Speak Their Language: Best 20 Phrases for Raising Well-Behaved Boys

These Go-To Phrases Will Help You Guide Your Sons to Positive Behaviour

This week’s Parenting Toolbox newsletter comes from our Parenting Boys Toolbox and is ready for our School members to share with their parent communities! Graphics and links will be sent separately.

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Raising boys... it's a different gig!

Sometimes it feels like you're speaking a different language.

You speak, but you’re not sure they’re listening.

So, what works?

If you struggle to cut through when managing boys’ behaviour, keep the following tips in mind:

• Cut the fluff. Get to the point.

• Keep words to a minimum when managing. They will hear your first and last words.

• Deliver one or two instructions at a time. Any more, it becomes a memory test.

• Lower your tone of voice for credibility. Yes, low and slow indicates authority.

• Remind once, twice at most, then do something (respectfully). Boys usually learn from action rather than words.

• Cue rather than tell. Many boys hate to be told, but love a reminder.

• Use charts, rosters, and other visuals to remind. This plays to their visual strengths.

(For other ideas and more concrete, practical strategies, read my most popular post over the last two years Expert Tools for Successfully Managing Boys: A Guide for Parents. )

Go-to Phrases for Better Behaviour

Your language matters.

It must resonate with them, be delivered kindly and respectfully, and guide them to be well-rounded, decent, and capable young men.

Here are 20 Phrases to add to your Parenting Toolbox that help boys develop greater agency and self-control over their behaviour:

1. "That's not okay, and here's why..." (Clearly states boundaries and provides reasoning.)

2. "What's your plan to fix this?" (Encourages problem-solving and accountability.)

3."Your actions have consequences. What do you think a fair consequence would be?" (Involves them in understanding and determining outcomes.)

4."Let's take a break and return to this when we're both calmer." (De-escalates tense situations and promotes emotional regulation.)

5."I'm here to listen when you're ready to talk calmly." (This reinforces that communication is welcome when done respectfully. Boys don’t think straight when upset.)

6."Tell me what you need right now." (Focuses on identifying and addressing underlying needs.)

7."What would be a better way to handle that next time?" (Encourages reflection and learning from mistakes. Boys need space and time to reflect.)

8."Use your words to tell me what's going on." (Encourages verbal communication over acting out.)

9."What's one small step you can take in the right direction?" (Breaks down overwhelming situations into manageable steps.)

10. “What do you think she was thinking when she said…….?” (Encourage boys to think from another person’s perspective, especially in conflict situations.)

11."How can we make this right?" (Promotes reconciliation and taking responsibility for actions. Give boys a chance to make up when they muck up)

12. "What's one small step you can take in the right direction?" (Breaks down overwhelming situations into manageable steps.)

13."I appreciate how you ….. helped your brother/put your toys away/spoke kindly to me." (Focuses on the positive and specific behaviour.)

14."You're showing great self-control by ……waiting your turn/ taking a deep breath when frustrated/not pushing in." (Highlights their growing ability to manage themselves.)

15."I noticed you were really thoughtful when you shared your snack/asked if someone was okay/let that boy into your game." (Encourages empathy and consideration for others.)

16."That was a smart choice to clean up the spill right away/tell me what happened honestly/take a breath when you were mad." (Reinforces that behaviour is a choice.)

17."I trust you to handle this carefully/ make a good decision/do the right thing" (Trust is essential to boys so showing you trust them builds self-confidence.)

18."I understand you're feeling angry/sad/scared, and it's okay to feel that way. What can we do together?" (Validates feelings and offers support.)

19."I know this is challenging, and you're handling it really well." (Acknowledges difficulty while praising their effort.)

20."I'm so glad we talked about this." (Reinforces the value of open and honest communication.)

These tools share the following boy-friendly management principles. They are:

• non-judgemental

• emphasise emotional-restraint

• solution-focused rather than punishment-focused

• specific and positive

• play the behaviour, not the boy

Finally….

Our choice of language that we use with boys is the vehicle that drives their behaviour forward.

Boy-friendly language communicates confidence in their abilities and encourages them to rise to expectations.

By consistently using these kinds of phrases, we actively shape their internal narrative, reinforcing positive self-perception and motivating them to embody the best versions of themselves, contributing to their overall well-being and healthy development.

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Do you know someone raising a boy who’d appreciate reading this newsletter? Sharing is easy.

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Parenting Toolbox Wise Words

“Encourage children to try different activities (school subjects, sports, interests) rather than specialise in what they excel at. Specialisation comes later in adolescence when teens wrap their identities around their strengths and interests. Childhood is a stage of generalisation, not specialisation.”

Michael Grose.

Parenting Quiz

Put your parenting knowledge to the test with these three questions. Answers are below.

1. When a child is hesitant to try something new, the MOST encouraging response from a parent would be:

   a)"Just do it! It's not that hard."

   b) "Why are you so scared? There's nothing to worry about."

   c)"I understand you're feeling a bit unsure. How about we try it together?"

   d)"If you don't try, you'll never know what you're missing."

2. Family rituals are beneficial because they:

   (a) Ensure that every family member has the same routine.

   b) Create a sense of predictability, connection, and belonging.

   (c) Eliminate the need for spontaneous activities.

   (d) Primarily serve as a way for parents to maintain control.

3. Research suggests that first-born children, on average, may:

   a) Be less responsible than their younger siblings.

   b) Develop strong leadership skills and a higher need for achievement.

   c) Have fewer opportunities for parental attention.

   d) Be more rebellious and risk-taking.

Answers:

1.c)"I understand you're feeling a bit unsure. How about we try it together?"

2. b) Create a sense of predictability, connection, and belonging.

3. b) Develop strong leadership skills and a higher need for achievement.

Want to delve deeper?

Each question relates information and tools in one of our Parenting Toolboxes. For more information about:

Question 1: Read How to Encourage a Child

Question 2: Read Here’s the Key to Parenting Success

Question 2: Read Ten Facts about First borns every Parent Should Know

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