Your child messes up - here's how to respond (so it won't happen again!)

Turn misbehaviour into a teachable moment with this brilliantly-simple 3 step approach.

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"I can’t believe he’d do that!”

This was Katie’s first thought when the primary school principal phoned to tell her about her son’s poor behaviour.

Ten-year-old Jai, along with some other boys, had mercilessly teased a classmate to the point that he refused to come to school.

Katie thanked the principal for letting her know, apologised on her son’s behalf, and said she’d handle it from there.

Katie experienced the full gamut of emotions, including: shock (“How could he?”), shame (“I'm ashamed of him?”), guilt (Where did I go wrong?), denial (“No, he wouldn’t do that!”), and finally acceptance (“Yes, he has made someone else feel unsafe.”)

What happened next was a masterclass in turning misbehaviour into a teachable moment for her son.

Katie wasn’t aware of it at the time, but she followed a 3-Step Teachable Moment Process that ensured her son felt listened to, was held accountable for his behaviour, and learned how to respond differently next time.

This process dealt with the past, present and future.

It’s non-accusatory, respectful and practical.

And it deepens rather than harms your relationship with your child.

Step 1: Explore what happened

Katie calmed herself and approached her son, who was playing quietly in his bedroom.

She sat down on the edge of his bed and told him what the principal had told her.

Jai’s first response was denial.

Katie was unconvinced.

His shoulders dropped, and he owned up to what he had done.

Katie then asked him to tell her exactly what had happened. She learned that her son joined two other boys in teasing their classmate unrelentingly, both inside the classroom and in the playground. While not the instigator, he happily followed along.

She knew her son was easily led, so his story made sense to her. He behaved less from malice and more to seek status among his peers.

Step 2: Make amends

Katie let her son know his behaviour was not okay.

She calmly reminded her son that everyone needs to feel safe at school and that his teasing had caused another child to feel unsafe.

What she said next was powerful.

“You need to make this right. You need to fix this.”

It was not about shaming him or punishing him.

It was about ensuring he takes responsibility for his actions through restitution.

In this case, Katie believed her son should make a heartfelt apology, stating what he did wrong, and reassuring the classmate that it won’t happen again.

Katie gave her son three suggestions to help him along: “You can either apologise by telephone, in person or record a video and send it to him.”

Jai chose to record a video.

Katie helped him work out what he should say and recorded his apology on her mobile phone.

Step 3: Workshop alternative responses

Katie found out what her son had done and made sure he made amends. It would have been easy for her to stop there.

But she went one step further to ensure Jai learns something positive from this situation.

Knowing her son could be easily led, she wanted to make sure he was equipped with some tools to help him respond next time he’s tempted (or invited) to join in and behave poorly.

Katie’s no fool. She knows there will be a next time.

They discussed different scenarios and possible responses Jai could use to avoid being drawn into situations he didn’t feel comfortable with.

They stopped when Katie was satisfied that Jai had several options to help him resist peer pressure to act up.

Recapping the process

Katie’s approach to discipline was pragmatic and educative.

It’s guided by the knowledge of two things.

First, good kids sometimes do bad/dumb/thoughtless things. So don’t be shocked or go into denial if your child doesn’t do something you're not proud of.

Second, children wear L Plates when navigating tricky social situations. To help your child navigate tricky social situations, take an educational, non-punitive approach.

When your child is involved in significant misbehaviour that harms another person’s rights, is unsafe, or is just downright stupid, take this pragmatic, educative approach.

Step 1: Explore what happened

Focus on the past. Discover the facts from your child’s perspective as well as from other people’s perspectives.

Key questions: What happened? What’s your child’s place in the misbehaviour? What were you thinking and feeling at the time?

Step 2: Make amends

Focus on the present. Help your child take responsibility and make amends. Put consequences in place.

Key questions: How can you make this right? How can you fix this?

Step 3: Workshop alternative responses

Focus on the future. Help your child learn from this mistake.

Key questions: What will you do differently next time? How can we help you make sure this doesn’t happen again?

Finally….

There is considerable confusion among parents right now about the role of discipline in parenting.

So let’s be clear.

Discipline has a prominent place on the parenting process.

However, discipline in 2026 is less about punishment and more helping your child be social, safe and fit into a civil society.

That’s a return to the essence of discipline - the term derives from the Latin meaning to teach.

Yes, discipline is a continuous educational process, and part of that process is turning misbehaviour into a learning opportunity.

And yes, some kids offer more learning opportunities than others.

That’s the way of parenting.

Frustrating? Yes.

But so rewarding when you see the results of your hard parenting efforts, usually much further down the track.

Hang in there, and the results will come.

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