Megan, a mother of two daughters in primary school, was feeling depressed about her parenting and couldn’t understand why.
She was a fierce warrior for her neurodiverse eldest child, doing everything she could to ensure that she succeeded at school.
She stayed current with the latest information and tools for parenting neurodiverse kids and was actively involved in their school.
She was an exceptionally conscientious mother.
Yet, she still didn’t think it was enough.
She felt guilty that she wasn’t putting the same energy into her second child, breezing through school.
She felt like a failure!
The two games that parents must win
Megan was losing the inner parenting game.
I’ll explain.
Parenting is a two-part game we play simultaneously.
The outer game
There’s the outer game, which involves your children. It’s about meeting their physical and psychological needs and the daily interactions you have with them.
The outer game is not straightforward, as you’re dealing with a second party/another human being who needs your input (guidance, teaching, managing, yada yada).
Hopefully (but not always), you’ll play the outer game alongside a child’s other parent.
That can be tricky at the best of times.
Almost all parenting advice focuses on winning the outer parenting game.
The inner game
But the other game- the inner game- is the trickiest.
It’s the one we play inside our heads. Every. Single. Day.
Guilt, self-doubt, and uncertainty are common opponents we must slay for sustained outer-game success.
There is little advice about winning the inner parenting game, which is unfortunate as it is much harder to play.
Winning the inner game.
So how do you win the inner game? How do you develop the right mindset to win this game?
These six ideas form a strong framework to help you win your inner game.
1. Come to terms with your limitations.
What’s the message that you give to your kids?
“Try your best. That’s all I ask.”
Sound familiar. It should be, as it’s the message we want kids to take through life.
Take that message on board and be kind to yourself. You can only do so much. You have limitations.
You have limited energy and emotional reserves.
You’re playing a long game, so don’t expect to do too much for your kids.
2. Be realistic about how much you can achieve.
Parents can only do so much, and we all have finite influence.
We (experts like me, the media, and sometimes teachers) place so much emphasis on parents.
If something goes wrong, blame the parents.
“If only parents would do their job” is a common cry.
We overestimate parents' role in child-rearing.
Siblings play a part, and the broader family, schools, peers, and friends also play a role.
Also, kids have free will, so despite your best efforts, they can still choose outcomes that are less than you hoped for.
3. View parenting as a stage of life.
Many parents lose the inner game because parenting is the first time they’ve faced real challenges they can’t overcome.
Often people who are successful in the workplace, struggle at home raising children.
They run into unpredictability or challenges they can’t overcome, which is a new experience.
A friend, a successful lawyer used to winning court battles, suddenly found himself flummoxed by a child who wouldn’t bend to his will. He admitted to feeling frustrated, even humiliated.
Yikes! It happens.
It helps to remember that parenting is a stage, and you will have a different life after this.
4. Separate yourself from your children.
Here’s some advice I give my audiences in seminars: Raise your child as if it’s your neighbour’s child.
Seriously.
We can all raise our neighbour’s kids. We know what they need.
But raising our own is hard, as the emotional connection gets in the way. Our aspirations can easily be thwarted.
At times, we have so much skin in the parenting game that it’s as if our child and I are one.
Write this on a note and stick it where you’ll see it every day.
“I am not my child. “
Putting a psychological gap between you and your child helps you win that inner game.
5. Step back and let others in.
Don’t take on all the parenting yourself.
The saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” is true.
Parenting has never been a one- or two-person job. It never has and never will be.
It’s a high-energy, high-needs task that’s done best when others are involved.
These others can be family, friends, teachers, coaches, medical support,…….
But you must step back sometimes (reread ‘Come to terms with your limitations’ above) and let others in.
And that’s hard if you like to control everything.
Firstborns, I’m talking about you!
Opt out of control and opt for curiosity instead (“What’s behind that behaviour?” “Where did that come from?).
6. Remember, parenting is a lottery.
And yes, parenting is one big lottery.
You can’t control the genetics (although some would like to try- that’s a story for another time).
You can’t control the total environment your child is raised in, including the peers they play with and who teaches them at school. Some things, you just have to let go of, for your own sanity.
And you never know what life will be like, or rather how they’ll tackle life in adolescence.
Rebel with or without a cause, anyone?
As much as we’d like to control every variable, the outcome of all your parenting is a gamble.
So don’t sweat the small stuff or what's out of your control.
Finally…
Parenting is a game.
Sometimes, you win. Sometimes, you lose.
In my experience, you’ll win most of the time, and if you’re smart, you’ll learn from the losses.
That’s playing the inner game.
It’s a game played between the ears as much as it’s played out in your living room, kitchen, or car on the way to school, a sport, or a friend’s place.
You need tools to win the outer game.
But you also need tools (and experience) to win your inner game.
You’ll find almost every tool you need here to win.
Everyone wants to become a better parent.
That starts with winning the inner parenting game.
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