The Unflappable Parent! How to Master the Competencies That Matter.
In a chaotic world, the secret to raising thriving kids doesn't lie in rigid parenting philosophies—it’s about consistently doing the little things well.
There’s something reassuring about watching a parent in full control of their emotions and actions.
In a world run by people who, temperamentally and intellectually, aren’t far from the sandpit, there’s a craving for competence that showcases craft, calm and care.
That’s why it’s so special to see a parent in full command when faced with a sticky situation.
You may be paddling like mad beneath the surface, but because you’ve mastered basic parenting skills, you appear unflappable.
Competency isn’t accidental.
Elite athletes put in the work to develop competence in their sports.
They practise skills until they’re second nature - the basketballer who can dribble with their eyes closed; the tennis player with a volley that always goes over the net; and the gymnast who lands every dismount.
Competence, pure and simple.
Okay, parenting does demand the precision required by elite sports. No one is competing for gold medals.
But let’s face it, the stakes are high.
High enough to make competency a worthy aim for every parent.
The Big 5 Competencies
So what competencies should we aim for?
Studies repeatedly outline five competencies essential for effective parenting. Let’s call them the Big 5.
1. Showing love and affection
It comes as no surprise that warmth consistently ranks as the most important competency in research into child development and parenting. Love and affection act as a protective shield against behavioural and emotional issues.
It involves being physically and verbally affectionate, spending one-on-one time with children, and expressing unconditional support.
It doesn’t involve taking love away for poor behaviour, shaming or being purposefully distant when you're going through a tough time.
This competency can be challenging for parents who come from family or cultural backgrounds where closeness wasn’t practised, or parents were absent for significant periods.
2. Managing stress
Your ability to manage your own stress is one of the strongest predictors of your child’s well-being.
That’s a sentence worth rereading.
When you master techniques for emotional regulation and stress reduction, you not only create a more stable environment, but you prevent the “trickle-down” effect of anxiety onto a child.
Yep, anxiety is catching, and it’s often caught by kids from their elders.
This skill is built through consistent effort rather than sporadic attempts, such as occasional weekend trips or unhealthy habits like excessive drinking or overwork.
It’s developed through a regular, routine self-maintenance regimen that places you at the family's apex. It also means working hard on emotional control so you don't have angry outbursts, petty pouting, or cold-shouldering.
This competency requires strong inner resources to help you act like a mature adult in the middle of a child-induced skirmish.
3. Building relationships
If you’re the strong, silent type who likes to keep your distance, then this competency may take some work. I’ll explain.
A parent’s ability to maintain healthy relationships with their spouse, partner or co-parent is of paramount importance to a child’s sense of self and their ability to relate to others.
Research indicates that modelling effective communication, conflict resolution, and mutual respect provides a blueprint for a child’s future social interactions.
Each of those relationship-building skills is encyclopaedic in scope and breadth, but whatever you do to build and maintain your relationships now, do it well.
Give them the time and space they need to succeed. Near enough isn’t good enough when it comes to building relationships.
4. Supporting autonomy and agency
Studies consistently emphasise the importance of treating children as individuals with their own goals.
Quite simply: “You are not your child (and your child is not you).”
In the days when large families were the norm, this competency happened naturally. It was hard for parents to keep track of a large brood’s whereabouts, let alone tie their ambitions to those of their kids.
In a small family, it can be hard for a parent to separate their hopes and dreams from those of their children.
But wanting the best for your child usually means cutting ties at some point and allowing them to make their own choices, which may differ from yours.
Yep, it’s tricky.
To develop your child's autonomy, you need to allow them to do the ordinary things of life themselves:
Self-help skills.
Problem-solving abilities.
Self-reliance.
Agency, the ability to impact your own life and the environment in which you live, is developed by providing kids with choices, encouraging self-initiation and giving them opportunities to contribute to their families.
Controlling parents struggle with this competency.
5. Managing behaviour
This is the most fascinating competency of them all. Your success in this competency is often determined by the nature of your child, at least to outside eyes.
If you have a malleable, easy-going child, you hardly raise a sweat. When “Yes, mum/dad” is a child’s default reply, you can sit back and bathe in the riches that genetics ditched up.
When you have a child who, for whatever reason, challenges you/ the status quo/limits and boundaries, then developing this competency takes effort, practice and patience. But it’s important that you do so, for your own sanity and to create better outcomes for your child.
Current research on behaviour management (also known as discipline) supports the authoritative approach as the gold standard. This style balances warmth (relationship-building) with firmness (consequences).
I’ve written extensively about behaviour management in these pages, but the most popular guide by far ( with 37,000+ downloads and counting) is this one here.
My advice for this competency is simple: Be predictable. Be personable. Be positive.
Forty years of working with parents on five continents have given me unique insights into what good parents consistently do well. In addition to the BIG 5, there are 3 competencies that stand out. I call them the Smart 3.
The Smart 3 Competencies
Now for the Smart 3 Competencies:
1. Anticipating moods
“Know thy child” is a wise parenting adage.
When you know your child, you can easily anticipate their moods and responses to different situations.
You don’t get flummoxed if they act out of character a few days before the start of the new school. You know that new situations can make them anxious, so you’re not surprised at all. In fact, preempting their anxiety, you accept that they may act a little unusually. You don’t stress. You don’t argue. You even lighten their load temporarily to make life easier.
This is an underestimated competency that often goes under the radar.
2. Understanding what’s behind poor behaviour
We’ve all been there.
Same misbehaviour, different cause requiring a different response. It sounds easy, but in reality, when you’re time-poor and under stress, it can be hard to step back and figure out what on earth is driving this behaviour.
The key is to trust your gut instinct. It’s usually right. It also helps to know your kids and what makes them tick.
My daughter, a parent of three primary school-aged boys, is a master of this competency. She’s able to know when a misbehaviour is a play for attention, a power play, a call for help or simply a sign her kids are tired and hungry. Then she responds accordingly.
This competency saves a great deal of grief for both parents and kids.
3. Differentiating needs from wants
The ability to sidestep a child’s wants and recognise their real physical or emotional needs is significant.
It requires you to see the bigger picture, which is no small feat when a child is coming at you with “I want/Can I/You’re not fair”.
It’s even harder when kids, denied a request, reach for your guilt gland and give it a good old squeeze: “You never buy me anything. You love (insert sibling’s name) more than me.”
This universal competency is so much harder to develop in consumer-oriented countries like Australia, where there is no shortage of stuff for kids to acquire.
Get good at differentiating kids’ needs from wants and respond accordingly.
Now that’s a competency for the ages.
The hierarchy of competencies
Love and affection are consistently identified as the strongest predictors of a child’s long-term health and happiness. So if there’s one competency to focus on, this is it.
However, it’s worth noting that Managing Stress and Building Relationships are the hidden drivers of success, as they shape a family's emotional climate.
When you master the internal competencies of stress management and relationship-building, the external competencies such as behaviour management, supporting agency and love and affection naturally fall into place.
Mastering these internal skills ensures that you don’t just react to a child’s behaviour, but create an environment where you and your child can naturally thrive.
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