Transform your perfectionist child into a confident problem-solver

Eight everyday tools to turn around the young perfectionists in your life.

Photo by Stephen Walker on Unsplash

Do you have a perfectionistic child?

That is a child who is hard on himself, hates making mistakes and has unrealistically high expectations.

They can be incredibly hard to live with as they are invariably self-critical, low risk-takers and apologise too much.

They are likelier to be first-born as perfectionism is rampant among this cohort.

If you have a perfectionist, you instinctively know he is anxious and prone to bouts of self-doubt, even in primary school.

Do you know what to do?

According to a University of Singapore parenting study, parents of perfectionist kids need to step back and help their children become good problem-solvers rather than step in and solve their problems for them.

Furthermore, this study found that highly perfectionistic, self-critical kids are likely to have intrusive, over-controlling parents.

• This finding validates what many educators and mental health professionals have known for years. When parents do too much to help kids solve all their problems, we not only increase their dependency on adults but teach them to be afraid of making mistakes.

That’s fertile ground for anxiety and depressive illness.

So, how can we raise kids to be courageous problem-solvers rather than self-critical perfectionists? 

Here are eight practical ideas to get you started:

1. Turn requests into problems…. for kids to solve.

“Mum, my sister is annoying me?”

“Dad, can you ask my teacher to pick me for the team?”

“Hey, I can’t find my socks!” 

Kids quickly develop the habit of bringing their problems to you to solve.  If you keep solving them, they’ll keep getting them.

If you are in a time-poor family, it's tempting to jump in and help kids out.

• Taking a problem-solving approach is better than solving it.

•  “What can you do to make her stop annoying you?” “What’s the best approach to take with your teacher?” “Socks, smocks! Where might they be?”

2. Ask, “Can you do this yourself?”

A problem-solving approach relies on asking good questions, which can be challenging if you are used to solving your child’s problems.

• When a child brings you a problem, the first question should be: “Can you handle this alone?”

• Next should be, “What do you want me to do to help you solve the problem?”

These questions are not meant to deter children from coming to you but to teach them to start working through their concerns.

3. Coach them to manage their problems themselves.

Has your child ever felt unfairly treated at school and called on you to intervene?  The easiest solution may be to meet with the teacher and find out what’s going on.

You may solve the problem, but you teach your child to become dependent on you by doing so.

Alternatively, you can coach your child to speak to the teacher herself and try to sort out the issue. 

• Give them the needed scripts and discuss how best to approach the other person.

• This coaching approach can help kids sort out sibling, friendship disputes and other interpersonal problems.

NOTE: There are some situations, such as managing suspected bullying, when you need to advocate for your children. You'll need to go directly to the relevant teacher to resolve these situations' issues.

4. Prepare kids for problems and contingencies

You may coach your child to be independent – walk to school, spend time alone at home (when old enough), catch a train with friends - but does he know what to do if problems emerge? What happens if he comes home after school and the house is locked? Who does he go to?

• Discuss different scenarios with children whenever they enter new or potentially risky situations so they can cope when things don’t go their way.

Parents of neuro-diverse children should be familiar with this strategy, as these children are very capable when explicitly taught what to do.

Remember the Boy Scouts motto – Be Prepared!

5. Show a little faith

Sometimes, you must show faith in children, including perfectionists and self-critical kids.

Be careful not to sabotage children’s problem-solving with well-meaning but self-defeating comments, such as, “Now don’t stuff it up!” “You’ll be okay….won’t you?” “You’re not very good at looking after yourself!”

6. Applaud mistakes and stuff-ups

Which statements below would approximate your typical reaction to a child who broke a plate while emptying the dishwasher?

“That’s annoying. You can be so clumsy!”

“It doesn’t matter. Thanks for your help.”

• Hopefully, it would be the second response, as nothing shuts down a child's natural tendencies to extend themself quicker than an adult who can’t abide mistakes.

Remember: Problem-solvers make lots of errors. Perfectionists need to learn that mistakes are acceptable.

7. Review what they do well

If your perfectionist child takes a social or learning risk and is unhappy with the results, help them focus on what went well rather than poorly.

“Okay, I know you were expecting school camp to be difficult. How did it go mixing with the other kids?”

• Draw out the positive skills they can use in a similar situation next time. There’s always a next time.

• This is vitally important for neuro-diverse children as they need to know precisely what works in each situation they enter.

8. Develop the language of problem solving

If you want your kids to be independent problem-solvers, make problem-solving language part of your family’s proprietary or common language.

Focus on key phrases first and build on them as kids age.  Here are some phrases to get you started:

“What’s the first step?”

“Who can help you get around this?”

“Let’s work this out together.”

“Let’s think about plan B…… and C.”

Finally………

Regardless of your problem-solving strategies, your first step is to refrain from instinctively solving your child’s problems.

Your initial thoughts should be: “Is this something they can sort out themselves?” If yes, give them a chance to resolve the issue, which may be challenging if your child struggles.

However, life’s most essential lessons generally come from overcoming our struggles, which is valid for parents and children.

Parenting Toolbox Wise Words

“Perfectionists need to learn to settle for excellence and stop striving for a level they’ll rarely achieve. Excellence is perfectionism with the edges rubbed off.”

Michael Grose

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