The Secret to Raising Children with Strong Agency: An Expert Guide for Parents (and Teachers)
What Every Parent Needs to Know about Developing Genuine Confidence and Independence in Children.
Want your child to grow into confident, capable, independent adults?
Silly question.
Of course. That’s what every parent hopes.
However, developing capable (confident) kids is one of the biggest parenting conundrums of the lot.
It’s so easy to go down the simplistic praise/encouragement path, where you repeat “You’re so clever!” like a nervous tic every time a child gets out of bed/cleans their teeth/makes a sandwich, to build self-esteem.
The praise path is as helpful as a bucket full of holes in developing your child’s independence and confidence!!
Alternatively, you can try the minimalist parenting approach (laissez-faire), and do very little for your child in the hope that they will naturally develop the skills to care for themselves. That’s a recipe for neglect, so let’s pass on that approach.
High Agency is Key
A key ingredient in your child’s journey to confidence and independence is developing high agency – the ability to take initiative, make choices, and act on them.
High agency enables children to navigate challenges, pursue their goals, and shape their own lives.
By empowering your children, you are laying the foundation for their future success and well-being.
What is High Agency?
In simple terms, agency is the feeling of control over your actions and their consequences.
A child with high agency believes that:
Their efforts matter
They can influence their environment
They have the power to create positive change.
As babies and young children grow and develop a sense of agency in early childhood, they realise that they can contribute to, make their own decisions, and control their own lives.
Why is High Agency Essential?
There are many benefits to developing high agency in your child, best summed up by these five reasons. High agency:
1. Boosts Confidence
Children who see that their actions lead to results develop a strong sense of self-efficacy and confidence.
2. Encourages Resilience
Children with high agency are better equipped to bounce back from setbacks. They view challenges as opportunities for growth, not as insurmountable obstacles.
3. Fosters Independence
Agency is the foundation of independence. It enables children to take responsibility for themselves, make sound decisions, and solve problems creatively.
4. Motivates Learning
When children feel in control, they are more likely to be engaged and motivated learners. They exhibit curiosity, proactivity, and a willingness to take learning risks.
5. Promotes Well-being
High agency is linked to greater happiness and life satisfaction. Children who feel empowered are less prone to anxiety and depression.
How to Develop High Agency in Your Child
Developing high agency is a long-term approach that requires a combination of many strategies and ideas. A cultural perspective must also be considered, as some cultures use tools that naturally promote higher agency than others.
Significantly, developing your child’s agency is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and a genuine belief in a child's capacity for growth, wherever they are developmentally and whatever challenges they may face.
Here are ten research-backed tools that, when consistently and intelligently applied, will help your kids develop high agency.
1. Offer Choices
Start early by giving your child choices appropriate for their age. This could be as simple as choosing their clothes, selecting a book to read, or deciding what to have for a snack.
Expert tip: Give them a choice between two or three options, rather than open decisions, which can be overwhelming for them and impossible for you to deliver on.
2. Encourage Problem-Solving
Resist the urge to immediately fix your child's problems. Instead, guide them through the process of identifying the issue, brainstorming solutions, and evaluating the outcomes. For example, if a school lunch is left at home, that’s a problem your child can solve.
3. Support Their Interests
Help your child explore their passions and talents. Provide resources, encouragement, and opportunities for them to pursue their interests. Don’t become over-invested in their success and ensure that they follow their interests, not yours, which is a high agency killer.
4. Encourage Play
Play is a crucial way for young children to explore, experiment, and make sense of the world, promoting agency. Offer open-ended materials and imaginative play opportunities to empower children to take control of their learning experiences
5. Assign Responsibilities
Give your child age-appropriate chores and tasks. This helps them develop a sense of competence and contribution. Start early. Get them helping you, then gradually give over responsibilities to them.
Aside: Now sure where to start? Check out the post Parenting Alert: 20 Jobs to ditch before your child reaches double digits.
6. Focus on Effort, Not Just Outcome
Regardless of the final result, focus on acknowledging your child's hard work, persistence, and creativity. This teaches them that results are due to effort rather than talent or innate abilities.
7. Allow for Mistakes
Create a safe space for your child to make mistakes and learn from them. Help them understand that failure is a part of growth.
8. Foster Independence
Gradually increase your child's autonomy as they mature. Allow them to make more decisions for themselves and take on greater responsibilities.
Expert tip: When children ask to do new things, such as walk to school independently, look for ways to make them happen safely. Asking and pushing boundaries are signs that children are ready for greater independence.
9. Model Agency
Demonstrate high agency in your own life. Show your child how you set goals, overcome challenges, and take initiative. Talk to them about why you do some of the things you do - e.g make lunches the night before school- so children understand the thinking behind agency.
10. Teach Process Thinking
Everything worth pursuing in life has numerous steps, which makes process thinking a learning essential. Examples of simple processes include:
Setting up a tent (rather than staying in a holiday house).
Cooking a meal (rather than heating a pizza in the microwave).
Growing vegetables is a process (rather than buying them at the supermarket).
Invite your child to watch/help you get breakfast, make a shopping list, or paint their bedroom so they can experience process thinking at close quarters and learn that everything worthwhile takes effort and several steps to achieve.
Finally………
Developing high agency is harder now than it was in the past when families were bigger, labour-saving devices were rare, and communities were closer (and felt more child-friendly). Kids were expected to help at home, and they had greater freedom to develop autonomy within their neighbourhoods.
Now you must be conscious of implementing strategies that promote agency in your children.
But it’s not as difficult as it may seem.
By providing your child with opportunities to make choices, solve problems, and take responsibility, you are equipping them with the essential skills and mindset they need to thrive in all areas of their lives.
In the long run, that’s a huge pay-off for your children.
Do you know someone who’d benefit from reading this post? If so, please share this positive parenting message.
Parenting Toolbox Wise Words
Two ways to love your child.
Parenting can be hard because we love our children so much. But we can love our kids helplessly by doing too much for them, over-protecting them and taking on their problems.
Alternatively, we can love them confidently by developing independence skills, encouraging autonomy and leaving them some problems to solve.
Parenting Toolbox Quiz
Put your parenting knowledge to the test with these multiple-choice questions. Let’s go:
Which of the following is a key indicator that your child may be struggling with their mental health?
a) Occasional sadness or irritability.
b) A significant and persistent change in mood, behaviour or sleep patterns.
c) Expressing worries about school performance.
d) Preferring to spend time alone sometimes.
Which of these sentences fosters a growth mindset in your child?
a) “You’re so smart!”
b) “That’s easy for you!”
c) “I’m impressed by how much effort you put in.”
d) Not everyone is good at everything.”
Research on family size and child development suggests:
a) Children in larger families always have better social skills.
b) Only children are always more independent and achievement-oriented.
c) Family dynamics and parenting styles have a greater impact on child development than family size alone.
d) Smaller families always provide more individual attention.
Answers
b) A significant and persistent change in mood, behaviour or sleep patterns.
c) “I’m impressed by how much effort you put in.”
c) Family dynamics and parenting styles have a greater impact on child development than family size alone.
Want to delve deeper?
Each question relates information and tools in one of our Parenting Toolboxes. For more information about:
Question 1: Check out the Wellbeing Toolbox.
Question 2: Take a look at the Better Parenting Toolbox
Question 3: Find more information at Siblings & Birth Order Toolbox
12 Ways to Immediately Build Independence In Your Child: A Parenting Masterclass.
This masterclass article uncovers the twelve most significant tools for building independence and autonomy in children. It includes 12 examples of the language you can use and covers the big-picture principle behind each tool.
Please Note this article is for Paid Subscribers.
Arrgh. Agency exists in a space in an independent sphere. People nowadays are treating this word as though it's something new and so there's this invention on how to use it when in fact, it is free will personified.
Better to teach children that there are consequences according to actions - many that they cannot control - so they can develop resilience & reverence for life, a compass for good and the ability to understand evil .
Stop trying to reinvent what has always been.
Good stuff. I got the praise and degrade paths growing up. I think the effects are similar to what you describe