The power of saying Yes to kids.
Here's how you can turn Yes into a parenting juggernaut.
Saying No is part of the deal when you’re a parent. It comes with the territory.
With some age groups, (yes, two-year-olds and fourteen-year-olds, I’m talking about you) it can seem as if “No” is on automatic recording. It’s exhausting to refuse a child’s requests continually.
Before you had kids you probably swore that you wouldn’t be that person who always says No!
Saying No is okay; if you say Yes as well.
No is born from good intentions (You want kids to stay safe so ‘no you can’t stay out late’ is reasonable in the right circumstances.)
No teaches kids to fit in (‘You can’t lock yourself in your bedroom when we have family and friends around.’)
No shows strength (‘I said No to your request yesterday, it’s No today, and it will be No tomorrow’) but can be worn down by continuous pestering.
There is power to a Yes said wisely.
Being a parent places you in a position of power. Many parents feel uncomfortable with that term – but it’s true.
Families work well when someone is in charge and it’s a good idea if it’s a parent!
It’s easy to use that power negatively, by continually saying No to kids.
It’s harder, but more effective in the long run to balance No and Yes, and in doing so, develop kids’ agency and keep your relationship intact.
Yes, gives No legitimacy.
If you never say Yes, then No becomes tiring for kids to hear. They’ll inevitably ignore it, become deaf to it or rebel against it.
Yes, develops many wonderful qualities in kids if it’s used wisely.
Here’s how.
“Yes, when” develops responsibility.
Personal responsibility is a wonderful character trait to develop in children and young people.
Adding a condition to Yes promotes responsibility. Adding 'when' teaches kids that good things usually come with a condition attached.
A vital life lesson.
“Yes, you can stay out until after dark when you show me you can behave responsibly with your friends.”
“Yes, you can play with your toys when you clean away the last lot.”
“Yes, you can play outside when you’ve done your homework.”
“Yes, just” develops independence.
Independent kids are self-starters. They try new things. They’re not scared to fail. This is part genetic, and part learned. Many firstborns, who aren’t life’s biggest risk-takers, learn to refrain from initiative-taking to avoid disappointing their parents.
That’s not good.
Encourage kids to take more risks and develop the competencies needed for independence by using Yes, just.
“Yes, it’s great that you want to go to the shop on your own. Just make sure you contact me if you have a problem.”
“Yes, just a small step to start with.”
“Yes, that makes sense. Just remember to tell your friends about it too.”
"Yes, if " promotes good decision-making.
Responsible kids make their own decisions and accept the consequences of their choices. Encourage them to make their own decisions with the word "if" judiciously added to a yes to their request.
“Yes, you can go out to play if you think you can be home on time.”
“Yes, you can have that toy if you are willing to pay for it.”
“Yes, if you’ve thought it through then it’s okay to go.”
Note: If this strategy is to be effective you need to make sure kids wear the consequences of their poor choices.
"Yes, and " promotes generosity
In this high-consumption era, it’s hard to develop generosity in kids. Developing a benefit mindset (how they can help others) from an early age is the key.
Adding an 'and' to Yes helps to teach kids to think 'we' not 'me'.
“Yes, you can go to your friend’s house, and you can drop your little brother off at his mate’s house along the way.”
“Yes, you can have some cake and you can cut a piece for your mum as well.”
“Yes, you can have those sweets and it would be great if you can share.”
Use your parenting power wisely
Being a parent places you in a position of power.
Using Yes wisely develops greater autonomy, responsibility, generosity and competence in your kids.
It’s easy to use that power to say No.
It’s harder, but more effective to seek a balance between No and Yes.
Better still, err on the side of Yes. Just be prepared to use some qualifiers as well.
great reading Michael! thank you! I have been practicing more YEs with my kids and it's beautiful how proud they feel about themselves when we give them responsibility!