Sensitive kids need careful discipline. Here’s how.

Toolbox Tuesday: Discipline is never straight forward but it's doubly difficult with kids who wear their hearts on their sleeves and take slights personally.

Does your child worry too much about what others think of them? Are they highly self-conscious? Do they easily become emotionally overwhelmed?

If your head is nodding vigorously then it may be that your child is highly sensitive by nature, and needs to be Handled with Extreme Care, especially when you are disciplining them.

Photo by Ashi SCB "ZZZPho" on Unsplash

Disciplining kids is never straightforward, but it’s doubly difficult with sensitive kids who wear their hearts on their sleeves and take the slightest criticism personally.

It’s tempting to avoid disciplining them altogether to avoid hurting their feelings. But sensitive kids need to learn to become social and likeable so they can reach their full social potential. They also like to feel safe and secure so a permissive ‘do whatever’ approach is not for this group.

Discipline to avoid

Some discipline techniques to avoid with sensitive children:

Shaming, naming, and blaming.

Comments such as “You should be ashamed of yourself”; “You’re a naughty girl” and “It’s all your fault!” should be left out of every parent’s armoury of responses as they often do more harm than good. They are often ineffective as some children learn to tolerate persona affronts, so they become water of the proverbial duck’s back.

But with sensitive types these put-downs can have a devastating impact on their self-esteem. Such comments uttered with emotional intensity (anger and frustration) don’t just sting – they have lasting impacts on kids who wear their hearts on their sleeves.

Physical discipline

This method should be off the table altogether but especially for this group.

Withdrawal of love and affection

There’s a difference between withdrawing affection and withdrawing attention. The latter is temporary and is aimed at specific behaviours that kids use to keep parents busy. The former is more permanent and can be accompanied by shaming or guilt-laden language and can be damaging to relationships and children’s sense of self.

Sensitive children often confuse the temporary withdrawal of attention with withdrawal of affection so it’s probably best to keep ignoring children’s behaviour to a minimum.

Isolation (time out)

Sensitive kids usually hate the isolation of time out. They tend to fret rather than reflect, which is the main purpose of this method.

Discipline to use

Discipline methods to use with sensitive children:

Set clear rules and expectations.

Most kids respond well to clear rules and expectations. Knowing where they stand gives even the most difficult of kids something to rail against.

Sensitive kids, like all kids, need to know what’s expected of them, so they are less likely to take reminders about transgressions personally. “It’s the rule that I broke that got mum upset, not me personally” is the thought pattern to instil in sensitive kids.

Give them a chance to make good.

Most sensitive kids crave adult approval so a stern look or a change in voice tone is often enough to communicate your disapproval followed by some advice about better behaviour next time.

Give them the chance to make good or to pick up their game and they will generally respond in kind.

Be friendly and firm.

While friendly and firm discipline sounds like a cliché it is very much a reality for sensitive kids. Move close, speak quietly in a neutral tone, and assure them your relationship is not harmed by their poor behaviour.

Use consequences sparingly.

If kids repeatedly break a rule or misbehave when the limits are clear, use a consequence but make sure you deliver it like a neutral cop.

Watch for a shame reaction and adjust accordingly. Importantly, try to work out why she or he is behaving poorly or breaking a limit or rule.

View poor behaviour as a mistake, not misbehaviour and help your child see it the same way.

Replace time out with time in.

Place sensitive kids close to you – on a chair or similar spot – when they need to calm down or spend some time pondering their behaviour.

Quiet time doesn’t need to be isolating time. It’s Bbest also that they use this time to reflect on what they’ve done and how they will behave differently next time.

Repair the relationship.

It’s always good to revisit your child after discipline to re-establish good will. In a practical sense it’s not always possible. However, if your child is the more sensitive, worrying type make it a rule of thumb to check in with your child after discipline to make sure that everything is okay.

You need to make peace even though you may not see the need.

A final word…or two

If you have a sensitive child, then don’t despair. It’s estimated that between 15-20% of children are sensitive by nature.

Be careful and caring with your discipline. And appreciate their strengths. They generally make very caring, nurturing, and empathetic adults. Everyone should have one as a partner!

They do however wear their hearts their sleeves, and they are easily hurt by comments that other kids simply brush off.

If they worry too much ask, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” Sometimes things aren’t as bad as they seem.

Wind their extreme thinking back (“Everyone is laughing at me’) with grey or moderate language (“Maybe one or two kids are having a giggle, but are you sure it’s the whole class!”).

Don’t let them dwell too much on the past as they are likely to do, rather pointing their attention towards a better, rosier future.

Quotes to help parenting sensitive kids

“Courage is like a muscle.  We strengthen it by use” Ruth Gordon

“Being brave isn’t about not feel scared. Being brave is what you do when you’re scared.” Anon

“Not everything is about you. People are too busy looking at themselves to be looking and worrying about you.” Michael Grose

An extra dash for dads

AI-generated image

I admire the current generation of fathers.

They are moving the fathering dial so much further down the towards the caring end of the fathering spectrum and away from the tough/distant spectrum.

It’s remarkable.

The dads I see are up to the task of caring for a sensitive child. They are less likely to shame, blame, hit or hurt a child’s feelings than fathers at any other time in history.

That’s wonderful.

If you do have a sensitive child you need to be careful that all that care doesn’t translate to wishy-washy fathering, where the kids don’t take any notice of you, or worse, feel unsure or unsafe, because you’re not willing to be firm.

Firm love

Make no mistake, discipline (teaching them how to behave and keeping them safe) is one of the ways we show kids we love them.

You care so much that you put your own feelings aside to stand firm, provide feedback, or use a consequence. That can be tough going!

If you have a sensitive child, follow the discipline steps outlined above, and don’t be afraid to be perceived as the bad guy or the villain of the piece.

And don’t take their less than savoury responses too personally. They don’t mean it when they say, “I hate you”, “You’re mean”, “You’re ridiculous”. (The latter is an adolescent utterance!)

Remember, most kids don’t get their adult filters until……. they’re 30, if they’re lucky. Some never do, but that’s another story.

So keep up the great work as a father, and remember that you’ll need to find your own way to manage each child, whether they are sensitive or not.

Thanks for reading.

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