I first built a reputation in the parenting scene as the guy who helps parents get difficult kids to cooperate without telling them what to do.
People came to my parenting seminars to learn how to get cooperation from challenging, argumentative, power-seeking kids.
Those kids who would fight you every step of the way…to bed…to come to the meal table…to put down the screen…to be home on time.
It’s not just difficult kids who challenge your authority.
Most kids, at some point, fight with their parents over seemingly insignificant things like going to bed, being home on time, and getting ready for school.
The Problem
What kids fight with their parents over is rarely the real issue.
It’s never about bedtime/eating/screen time/being home on time.
The central issue is control.
Their thinking:
“You can’t make me!” or
“I’ll do it, but I’ll do it in my time and in my own way.”
Infuriating!
When we fight and argue with kids, we locked in a battle for control.
Bedtime/eating/screen time/being home on time are secondary to “I want to make you”/”I wish you would.”/”Just do it.”
When you recognise that you are locked in a battle for power, you are in the perfect position to do something about it.
The Solution
Don’t give your child a chance to refuse.
When you want a child to cooperate, focus on yourself, not them.
Don’t tell them what to do. Tell them what you will do.
Rather than “Go to bed” Try “It’s bedtime. I’ll start reading the story in five minutes.”
Rather than “Come and eat” Try “I’ve put the meal on the table.”
Rather than “Be ready by six o’clock” Try “I’ll pick you up at six o’clock.”
Where Does This Solution Come From?
Parents in large families use this strategy.
They naturally focus on themselves, or they outsource to an older child, but either way, they generally remove themselves from petty fights with kids.
Larger families create emotional space, so parents tend to worry less about the minutiae of each child’s life.
By focusing on the important stuff, they relinquish control over the inconsequential.
Apply The Solution
If you are sceptical, then this strategy is not for you.
If you think kids should always do what their parents say. Then good luck with that.
This strategy is not for you.
If you see sense in what I say, then give it a go.
Here are the keys to making it work. A heads-up: if my example doesn’t work for you, that’s fine. Think of an issue where it will.
Ready?
First, start with an issue where kids own the problem.
Perhaps, they’re not allowed to play sports with a dirty uniform. And you're sick of telling them to put it in the wash basket.
So tell them what day you’re doing the washing. The implication is that they should put their washing in the basket.
Second, say it in a nonchalant way. No threats. No yelling.
Just use an“I don’t care” type of nonchalance. Hint: If you care more than your child about the clean clothes, then it will become your problem.
Come laundry day, wash the clothes. If they’ve put their clothes in the basket on time! Great. They play
If not. Dirty Clothes. Either they play in them or their coach follows through with their clean uniform notion.
That’s the third key. Let kids experience the consequences of their decision.
Don’t rescue them.
No ‘five more minutes’ because you dawdled getting to bed.
No sitting around waiting for a child to come to the meal table. Take the meal away after a reasonable time.
Remove Yourself From the Fight
Kids throw an imaginary rope all the time, and we pick it up.
“I’m not going to bed.” A four-year-old just threw a rope.
“Yes, you are.” Their parent just picked up the rope. You’re locked in a battle you can’t win.
I could give examples for older kids and teens, but I think you get the picture.
Again, nonchalance and distance are your friends in these circumstances.
Remember, nothing works all the time.
If you don’t succeed at first, try again.
Lastly, it’s the principle that’s important.
“Don’t tell kids what to do. Tell them what you’re doing.”
Focus on you, not them.
Magic!