Build a Positive Family Atmosphere That Your Kids Will Love
The Secret's Out! Families thrive on this...........
This masterclass article is the third in the six-session Special Series -How To Build A Strong, Resilient Family (Especially When You're busy).
Catch the previous two sessions.
Strong families thrive on……..good feelings.
That doesn’t mean that such families are devoid of conflict or criticism, but that they are generally pleasant environments to be part of.
One way to boost positive feelings in your family is to increase the number of compliments kids hear at home.
As a general rule, the ratio of compliments to criticism should be around five to one. That is, there should be five times more positive, affirming comments than negative comments.
In unhealthy families, this ratio is often reversed. Five negative comments for every one positive comment makes for a pretty toxic environment.
How does your family rate on this scale?
If you think about how your family might rate on this scale, be careful about how much weight you put on your children’s comments, especially to each other.
Siblings can be unkind to each other, struggling to share a kind word, which can significantly skew the positive-to-negative ratio (and sometimes make family life quite awful for everyone).
However, this can change over time.
That’s why building a positive family atmosphere is so important. It’s building good feelings on steroids.
Here are Six Tools to build a fabulous atmosphere in your family:
1. Increase your number of affirmations and compliments.
Affirmations, along with affectionate phrases and kind remarks, will begin to shift the negative balance to the positive.
Aim for a seven-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions.
Not only is this good modelling for your kids, but it will also make family life more harmonious by creating a more supportive and encouraging atmosphere.
This isn't about ignoring problems; it's about making sure that the good stuff far outweighs the bad.
2. Keep a check on your use of ‘good feeling killers’ (and self-esteem killers).
Avoid comments like, “Typical boy!” “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a 1,000 times, don’t…” or “What a stupid thing to say to your brother/sister!”
Bite your tongue.
If you catch yourself thinking a criticism, keep it to yourself. This kind of negative framing can be incredibly damaging to a child's self-worth and creates unnecessary friction within the family.
Instead, take a moment to rephrase your thoughts into constructive feedback or, if it's not a big deal, let it go completely.
3. Make kids aware of their language.
Remind kids of the potential harm to self-esteem, not to mention family harmony, that constant criticism can cause. Use ‘I’ statements to let kids understand the impact their negative talk has on you.
For example, you could say, "When you talk so aggressively, I feel quite scared about what you are going to do next." This approach makes it clear that their words have real consequences for others' feelings.
Kids can't disagree with 'I' statements because you're simply sharing your own feelings, not making a judgment about them.
This helps them learn empathy and gives them a clear path to changing their behaviour without feeling attacked.
4. Make it a habit to follow a negative with a positive.
When I was teaching, I always tried to follow a student's discipline with a compliment or some positive feedback so that we could maintain a good relationship.
It’s a way of showing that while you might disapprove of a specific behaviour, you still value and respect the individual.
Do the same in your family. Follow discipline, a rebuke, or a negative comment with a positive act or comment.
Then, teach your kids to do the same! This approach helps keep communication open and reinforces that your love and support are unconditional, even when you're correcting a mistake.
5. Let the bad feelings out.
Sometimes, there can be such a build-up of ill will between siblings that you need to find a way for them to let the bad feelings out.
One way to do this is to let a child vent to you about their sibling.
This needs to be done in a safe environment, with you guiding the way.
“What would you like to say to me about your brother?”
“I hate him. He’s always picking on me. He’s a +&%%$ !”
Be warned that you might not like what you hear, but clearing the air can do wonders for improving the family atmosphere.
6. The family that plays together…..
While it may sound a bit cliché, the old saying "the family that plays together stays together" holds a surprising amount of truth.
As a family and parenting educator, I've seen firsthand how shared activities and playtime can strengthen family bonds.
When you play together, you're not just having fun; you're creating a shared history of positive experiences.
These moments build emotional capital, which you can draw on during more challenging times.
Play is also a fantastic way for parents to connect with their kids on their level, to see their personalities shine, and just to enjoy being with them without the pressure of discipline or daily chores.
It's in these moments of shared laughter and low-stakes collaboration that families really become a team.
Playing together fosters a sense of belonging and teaches kids that they're a valued part of something bigger than themselves. 👨👩👧👦
Finally….
Building a family environment where everyone feels loved and valued isn't about eliminating all negative feelings.
It's about ensuring the good stuff vastly outweighs the bad. By actively working on the ratio of positive to negative interactions, you can create a family atmosphere that is not only pleasant but also incredibly resilient.
Think of it as building an emotional bank account.
Each compliment, each shared laugh, and each moment of connection is a deposit. When challenging times or disagreements arise, you'll have a healthy balance to draw from.
Put These Ideas into Practice
The tools you've just read about aren't just theories; they're actionable strategies you can implement right away.
Start small—maybe with the seven-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions.
Notice the comments you make to your children and see if you can increase the number of affirmations.
Catch yourself before you say a "good feeling killer" and rephrase it into something more constructive.
Even small changes can have a huge impact.
By being intentional about the atmosphere you're creating, you're investing in your family's long-term health and happiness. What's one tool you can start using today to build a more positive and loving home?