We have more parenting advice, experts and information about child development than any generation before us.
And many parents work extraordinarily hard to put that knowledge into practice.
They organise, supervise, encourage, protect, negotiate and explain. They manage friendships, monitor homework and smooth the path ahead.
All with the best intentions.
But have we become so focused on being good parents that we give children too few opportunities to become capable people?
Perhaps the next advance in parenting won’t come from learning to do more.
Perhaps it will come from learning when to do less.
The gold standard has served us well
Authoritative parenting combines warmth and responsiveness with clear boundaries and appropriate expectations.
Be firm but fair. Listen. Explain decisions. Encourage independence.
It’s a sound foundation. Children need connection, emotional security and adults prepared to lead.
But much parenting advice still centres on adult behaviour. How should we respond, set boundaries and manage emotions?
Alongside those questions, we need another:
What are children becoming capable of doing for themselves?
The hidden cost of intensive parenting
Modern parents face enormous expectations: nurture children’s talents, supervise their online lives, support their learning and monitor their wellbeing.
It’s exhausting.
There’s also a hidden cost when adults anticipate every difficulty and organise every detail.
Children can become very good at being parented, without getting enough practice at managing themselves.
A warm, supportive home doesn’t automatically produce initiative or responsibility. Kids need opportunities to exercise both.
The more we think for children, the less practice they get at doing it themselves.
When helping becomes a hindrance
Picture an eight-year-old getting ready for school.
Their mother prepares breakfast, checks his bag, finds his shoes and reminds him about homework. By eight-thirty, they’re out the door.
A successful morning.
Except Mum has done most of the thinking, remembering and organising. Her son has followed along.
Repeat this daily, and Mum becomes the morning manager while he becomes the person being managed.
Start handing over one task. Teach him to pack his bag using a checklist. Practise together, then let him take the lead.
A smoothly running household is USEFUL. A child learning to organise himself is INVALUABLE.
The missing ingredient is agency
Agency is a child’s growing capacity to influence their own life: make decisions, take initiative, solve problems and accept responsibility.
It includes knowing when to seek help.
Agency doesn’t mean kids get their own way or adults leave them to struggle alone. It means providing opportunities to think and act within appropriate boundaries.
Children develop it through experience.
They need real decisions, manageable responsibilities and chances to discover, “I can handle this.”
Are we raising children or managing childhood?
Parents understandably want happy children who do well at school, enjoy friendships and participate in worthwhile activities.
But these hopes can become a pressure to manage childhood so thoroughly that little is left to chance.
Disappointment becomes something to prevent. Struggle becomes something to fix.
Yet childhood is preparation for life.
Kids need the satisfaction of solving problems and the confidence that comes from overcoming difficulties.
Our job is to help them navigate obstacles, with support matched to the challenge.
From managing behaviour to building capability
I believe parenting needs a greater emphasis on capability.
Help children become cooperative. Teach them to solve problems. Prepare them to handle difficulties.
Warmth, guidance and boundaries make this possible.
Think of teaching a child to ride a bike. Initially, you hold the seat. Gradually, you loosen your grip, offering encouragement as they wobble.
You measure success by their growing ability to ride independently.
Parenting requires similar judgement: when to hold on, when to loosen your grip and when to let go.
What the research tells us
Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan’s self-determination theory identifies three psychological needs: autonomy, competence and relatedness.
In everyday terms, children need some influence over their lives, opportunities to feel capable and strong connections with others.
These ideas sit comfortably alongside authoritative parenting, which already values developing independence.
My argument is that agency deserves greater prominence.
Within our warmth and boundaries, are children learning to think, decide and act responsibly?
Five ways to give children back some control
Agency grows through ordinary moments. You don’t need a new parenting program. Start with one small change.
1. Ask more. Tell less.
“Pack your bag” gives an instruction.
“What do you need before we leave?” invites thinking.
Try “What’s your plan for finishing homework?” or “What could you try next?”
Give children time to answer. If they’re stuck, offer a prompt.
The aim is to help them learn how to organise themselves.
2. Give children something real to own.
Helping when asked differs from having a responsibility.
Setting the table can become a child’s regular contribution, rather than a job requiring nightly negotiation.
Show them what’s involved. Practise together. Use a visual reminder if needed.
Then gradually hand it over.
Expect learning and occasional mistakes.
3. Don’t rush to rescue.
Your eleven-year-old comes home upset after an argument with a friend.
Before offering solutions, listen.
“That sounds difficult. What do you think you could do?”
Explore options together while leaving room for their ideas.
Bullying, serious distress and unsafe situations need adult intervention. Everyday disagreements may offer a chance to practise.
4. Help children become their own problem-solvers.
When a child gets stuck, try:
“What have you tried?”
“What else might work?”
“What would be a good first step?”
Offer direct help when they need it. Sometimes showing one step helps them try the next.
Over time, these questions can become part of their own thinking.
5. Step back as children step up.
Match responsibility to capability.
A younger child may need you alongside them during the morning routine. An older child might manage with a checklist.
Some children need ongoing support or adjustments. Independence develops differently for everyone.
Keep asking: “Which part can they manage now?”
Step back so kids have room to step up.
The courage to do less
It’s quicker to pack the bag yourself. Easier to settle the argument.
Let’s face it, it’s uncomfortable watching your child struggle when it’s much simpler to provide an answer.
Exhausted parents understandably sometimes take the quickest route.
But when you have the time, pause before stepping in.
Let your child think, attempt something and make a manageable mistake. Stay available.
The aim is to provide enough support for the next step, then allow them to take it.
A different measure of parenting success
Warm relationships, consistent boundaries and adult leadership remain essential.
But we also need to consider the destination.
Can children make decisions when nobody is directing them? Notice what needs doing? Handle a setback or ask for help?
These abilities develop through practice, with caring adults nearby.
Choose one thing this week that your child could begin doing for themselves. Teach it, support it and give them room.
Good parenting gives children roots. Great parenting gives them the confidence and capability to grow beyond us.
Ready to put this into practice?
Help your child take ownership of everyday responsibilities with my new Step Back, Step Up Kit, which gives you the tools to make it happen.
My Step Back, Step Up Kit helps you hand over everyday responsibilities, with worked examples, words to try, a flexible seven-day plan and printable worksheets.
Get the kit at the new Parenting Toolbox Resource Store, or upgrade to paid to receive it and access the resources included with your membership.
Paid subscribers receive the kit at no extra cost.
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