Giving kids social scripts to use when you're not around

Social scripting achieves the parenting trifecta of keeping kids safe, social and building their independence.

Recently, my daughter rebuked a male friend who complimented her about losing weight.

“You just can’t say that!”

Realising his mistake, the young guy said, “Okay. Sorry. What should I say instead?”

“Tell me I look healthy.”

“Hey, you look really healthy!”

“That’s better,” remarked my daughter, who has clearly inherited an assertiveness gene from her mother.

This young man was well-intentioned, but his scripting was askew.

He may have known that complimenting a woman about losing weight is no compliment at all, however he didn’t know what else to say.

My daughter gave him a new script, which he can use in similar situations in the future.

Social scripting is a great parenting tool.

Kids often don’t have the vocabulary they need to help them stay safe, tackle social situations or express themselves to the people they love.

You’re never too young or too old to be hugged. Just as you’re never too young or too old to receive a social script from a well-meaning friend or parent.

Social scripting develops independence.

There’s a real temptation to do all the talking and problem-solving for kids. Let’s face it, it’s easier and quicker sometimes to sort out their problems ourselves.

The job of parents is to wean kids off them, and social scripting is a big part of this process. Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Asking a teacher for help or assistance

Kids often coerce parents to do their bidding with teachers, coaches, siblings and other adults.

It’s easy to pick up the phone and arrange to meet a teacher or go into your child’s room and ask for something on behalf of your child.

Offer them a script instead. “Choose a time when your teacher is free, and then ask her if you can sit at the front of the classroom. You could say….”

2. Entering a game at school

Many kids struggle to enter into a game or activity at school, so they sit on the sidelines and miss out.

Social scripting involves timing, not just the words to use.

Consider coaching a child about how he or she may approach a situation.

Suggest that he or she looks for someone they know, and waits for a lull in the game before asking. Yep, script is as much about how to say things as what to say.

3. Telling a sibling to stop annoying them

“Jessica, please stop flicking the ruler while I’m watching TV. I find it annoying.” This may work.

If not, this child could try, “Jessica, could you flick your ruler elsewhere.”

It may work. It may not.

But it’s infinitely better than yelling, “Jessica, DOOOONNNN’TTTT!!!!”

Give kids scripts to help them negotiate their sibling relationships.

Kids practise on their siblings and take the skills and words they learn at home into their wider social worlds.

4. Saying no to a friend without losing face

Research shows that many teenagers struggle with peer pressure because they don’t know how to say no in a way that maintains their status.

One strategy is to use an excuse rather than say give an outright no.

“I don’t want to drink tonight because I’ve got football training in the morning.”

5. Expressing their emotions

Both genders can struggle to express their feelings, particularly if they haven’t been taught the words to use at home.

Recently, I saw a mother prompt her three year old when he was clearly annoyed.

“Are you frustrated Maxie?”

“Yes, I fusttated!!”

“Would you like a hug?

“Yessss!”

You’re never too young or too old to be hugged.

And you’re never too young or too old to receive a social script from a well-meaning parent…..and dare, I say, partner.