Expert Tools for Successfully Managing Boys' Behaviour: A Guide for Parents

Find disciplining boys a challenge? These 7 expert tips will have them eating out of the palm of your hand......well, almost!

Boys’ physical nature, boisterousness and propensity to push boundaries can be challenging, especially if you’re used to managing girls.

However, managing boys’ behaviour becomes easier when you use the correct tools and are mindful of their psychology.

The following strategies will help you successfully raise a boy who is eager to cooperate, able to adapt to most of the social situations he encounters, and, significantly, treat others with dignity and respect.

1. Boys like rules, limits and expectations.

Boys like to know who’s in charge and what the rules are.

This helps them feel secure. They also want to know that someone will enforce those rules.

They are hierarchical by nature too, so don’t be too wishy-washy with who’s in charge.

You don’t have to use the same authoritarian methods as your parents may have used, but don’t be afraid to take a firm lead with your sons.

2. Boys learn from consequences (natural & logical)

Boys are more likely to be heuristic learners than girls. That is, they are more likely to learn from experience.

Protecting boys from their poor choices doesn’t develop responsibility or independence.

Telling them they need to improve their behaviour doesn’t work either.

If you allow them to experience the negative consequences of poor behaviour, they will be more likely to change their ways. Some boys take way longer for the messages to sink in, so persistence is needed.

Boys will accept most of your discipline if it’s fair and reasonable. They have a built-in fairness radar that detects injustice, disrespect or going too far with consequences. If they think you’ve been unfair, then expect resistance or an argument.

Fairness is not just about being even with your discipline. It is more about being just, about not going too far with your consequences and respecting their dignity.

To help maintain fairness stick to the 3 R’s of discipline, particularly when implementing consequences.

Make sure consequences are:

• Related: The consequence is related to what they have done. (For example, if they are late home, they won’t go out next time.)

• Reasonable: Don’t go too far with a consequence. (‘You’re grounded for a day’ rather than ‘You’re grounded for a month.’)

• Respectful: Allow boys to maintain their dignity throughout the discipline process. (Consequence given in a friendly, calm way.)

This is following sentence is important.

Make sure you keep the emotion out of it when you use consequences. Deliver like a neutral cop and they’ll become mad at themselves, not at you!

3. Boys love consistency.

Boys love consistency in their parents. Parental predictability helps boys feel that they are in control. However, parents' extreme emotional highs and lows can also make life difficult for boys, as all their energy is spent dealing with fear or the uncertainty of life.

Boys also like to know that their parents mean what they say and say what they mean.

Follow through with consequences rather than threaten or shout at boys. They’ll respect you for it and know that you love them.

Story aside: My daughter is the mother of three boys (3 to 9 years old), and her consistency on essential issues is fantastic. She always pulls them up on disrespectful behaviour, being a bad sport, and lack of manners. Consistency is one of her signature parenting strengths. It was never mine as a parent, as my mood too often dictated how I reacted to their behaviour.

4. Manage visually.

Many boys don’t listen to our instructions, which is frustrating. Usually, it means we repeat ourselves many times to ensure we’re heard.

Rather than continually repeat yourself, use lists, checklists, rosters and body language to remind and manage.

This takes authority away from us and places it elsewhere - on the chart or list. (Rather than “Set the table please” Say “Check the roster to see whose turn it is to set the table.”)

Visual management also plays to boys' natural advantage—their heightened visual awareness. Yes, boys are usually better visual learners than verbal learners, so it’s smart parenting to play to their strengths.

Visual management also applies to families, although many parents still rely on their language skills to influence, manage, cajole and persuade their children to behave better and be more responsible at home.

In particular, most boys and all kids on the autism spectrum like the constancy and consistency of visual messages and reminders that support and reinforce verbal communication.

5. Teach them how to cool off

Many boys struggle with impulse control, anger and aggression. This is part of nature, as the parts of the brain that manage emotions are different for boys and girls. This is an article for another time. However, many boys need practical assistance to manage their emotions.

Start emotional management with boys by teaching them how to cool off, when they are upset.

Methods such as time out, cuddling, and comforting help young children learn to cool down.

As boys reach school age and beyond, help them understand the triggers that lead to anger and discuss various methods for regaining calm.

Deep breathing, exercise, doodling or thinking about something different are simple ways of relaxing.

Please work with your son to find many tools he can use to cool off when they’re upset.

6. Get them to reflect on what they’ve done

If a boy misbehaves, don’t ask him, “Why?”

He usually won’t be able to tell you.

Instead, get him to revisit the moment of his poor behaviour and gain some insight into his thinking or motivation at the time.

It’s better to ask: “What were you thinking about when you did...?” “What was going on to make you want to do that?” “What will you do differently next time?”

These types of questions help ensure that boys learn from their experiences and behave differently the next time they are in similar situations.

7. Encourage boys to repair and restore relationship breakdowns

Many boys naturally move on after conflict. It’s often perceived as a strength or a positive compared to girls, who can make conflict linger far longer than necessary.

However, it can mean they neglect to repair relationships so that they can be perceived as insensitive or uncaring.

Encourage boys to make amends with an aggrieved person (often a sibling) by offering an apology or an act of kindness.

Alternatively, consider sitting down with them and the aggrieved person to discuss what happened and what they may do differently next time. Sometimes, listen to how the other person feels about their behaviour.

Some boys need assistance to develop empathy and see how their remarks or behaviour can adversely impact others.

Finally…..

Boys generally need careful management. They are incredibly impressionable, so be careful that you don’t use methods—physical punishment, sarcasm, and put-downs—that will lead to resentment. They will most likely repeat these methods on you, their siblings, their friends, and in their own families as adults.

Also, boys can easily live with shame and guilt, so steer clear of comments such as “You should be ashamed of yourself” or “Look what you’re doing to your mother.” Comments like these have an intergenerational impact - they are passed on so they’re bound to be repeated down the family line.

Above all, boys respond to fair treatment that keeps their dignity intact. Maintaining dignity, like loyalty, is a strong driver for boys’ behaviour.

When there are boundaries, children feel safe and secure. They will push against them and sometimes cross over them, but that’s okay. It’s your job to set them up and follow through with' a quiet word’ or a consequence if they cross them. That’s how you show them you love them.

And boys of all ages want to be loved.

Parenting Toolbox Words of Wisdom

“Quiet time and downtime allow boys to let their thoughts wander. It also helps them get to know and even like themselves. Boys usually do their best thinking on their own. They retreat to their caves (bedrooms) when things go wrong at school or in their relationships. They need to go within to find their own answers.”

Michael Grose, Parenting Toolbox

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