In our book Anxious Kids, Dr. Jodi Richardson and I wrote about the “gut feelings” and “lump in the throat” children experience when nervous.

Far from being mere figures of speech, these sensations are the physical signatures of the vagus nerve—the longest and most influential nerve in the human body. Understanding how this nerve functions is essential to knowing how to calm an anxious child.

For parents navigating child anxiety, this internal superhighway acts as the ultimate reset button, shifting a child from panic to connection.

It serves as the brake pedal for the fight-or-flight response, physically slowing the heart rate and signaling safety to the brain.

Just like regular muscles, this nerve requires conditioning to maintain high “vagal tone,” which allows children to recover quickly from stressful events.

The good news is that you can actively strengthen this system.

By implementing specific vagus nerve exercises—such as slow, deep diaphragmatic breathing, humming, or cold-water splashes—you can instantly trigger a state of relaxation.

Furthermore, practising intentional co-regulation strategies allows your own calm presence to soothe your child’s nervous system, lending them your stability when they need it most.

It is the reset button that shifts a child from panic to calm and connection.

Share Michael Grose I Parenting Toolbox

What is the Vagus Nerve?

Think of the vagus nerve as a high-speed internal superhighway.

It starts at the base of the brain and winds its way down through the neck, heart, and lungs, all the way to the gut. Its primary job is to act as the commander of the Parasympathetic Nervous System—the rest-and-digest system.

When a child feels anxious, their fight-or-flight response takes over.

Their heart races, their breathing gets shallow, and their brain yells, “Danger!”

The vagus nerve is the brake pedal.

When it’s activated, it sends a signal to the brain saying, “It’s okay, we’re safe now,” which physically slows the heart and relaxes the muscles.

Tone is Everything

In the world of neuroscience, we talk about vagal tone.

Just like we exercise our muscles to keep them strong, we want children to have high vagal tone.

A child with high vagal tone can recover quickly from a stressful event. They might get a fright, but their body brakes effectively, and they return to calm within minutes.

A child with low vagal tone stays revved up long after the threat has passed. Being able to shift the vagal tone in children is a significant parenting and teaching tool.

The good news?

You can help your child tone this nerve through simple, daily habits.

5 ways to stimulate the calm command

You don’t need a medical degree to help your child manage their vagus nerve. You just need to know some vagus nerve exercises for anxiety.

Many of the tools we discussed in Anxious Kids work specifically because they stimulate this nerve.

1. Breathe low and slow

The vagus nerve runs right through the diaphragm.

When children take deep, belly-expanding breaths, they physically stimulate the nerve, sending an immediate message of safety to the brain. 

Here’s how: Encourage Box breathing or “blowing out the candle.” The key is to make the exhale longer than the inhale, as the exhale triggers the vagal brake.

2. Splash some cold water

A splash of cold water on a child’s face does more than make them shudder.

It acts as a biological circuit breaker.

Cold water activates a primitive reflex that quickly slows the heart rate through the vagus nerve to conserve energy and calm the system. 

Here’s how: If your child is spiralling into an anxious state, have them splash ice-cold water on their face or hold a cold, damp cloth to the back of their neck. It’s an instant physical reset for a racing heart.

3. Hmmmm, sing that song

Sounds strange, but humming works!

Because the vagus nerve links to the vocal cords and the muscles at the back of the throat, vibration acts as a strong stimulant.

That’s why humming often feels naturally calming during stressful times.

Here’s how: You don’t need to be a choir leader. Humming a low tune, gargling water after brushing your teeth, or even chanting “Om” together produces a vibration that directly stimulates the nerve.

4. Move mindfully

As we’ve long championed, movement is medicine to an anxious child (and adult).

Yoga, stretching, or simply hanging upside down on the monkey bars alters the pressure in the chest and abdomen, which the vagus nerve continuously monitors. 

Here’s how: When the worry bugs bite, get them moving. A few minutes of stretching, a bear crawl across the living room floor, or a rhythmic walk can be enough to shift the nervous system out of high alert.

5. Hug, laugh and connect

This is the part I love.

The vagus nerve is a crucial part of our Social Engagement System. Yes, it helps us connect to others. Build relationships. Forge friendships

It connects to the muscles in the face and middle ear, meaning it constantly scans for signals of safety from others. 

Here’s how: Laughter is a strong vagal stimulant because it involves rhythmic contractions of the diaphragm. Similarly, a long, heart-to-heart hug (holding for at least 20 seconds) releases oxytocin and tells the vagus nerve that it’s safe to reduce the stress response.

Co-regulation - your job as a parent

Perhaps the most important thing to know is that the vagus nerve is social. It is constantly scanning the environment—and you—for cues of safety.

When you stay calm, lower your voice, and maintain a steady gaze, your child’s vagus nerve reads your calm and begins to mirror it. It’s one of the best co-regulation strategies you can use.

This is why your own Parental Reset is so vital.

You aren’t just teaching them to be calm; you are literally lending them your nervous system until theirs is strong enough to take the lead.

Share Michael Grose I Parenting Toolbox

We’ve all experienced it!

The child who comes home from school and immediately starts spinning in circles, flopping onto the sofa, or perhaps—as I did as a boy—disappearing to their room to rock rhythmically for ten minutes on their bed.

As a parent, your first instinct is to tell them to “settle petal”, “find a calm charm”, or “take a chill pill”.

This approach so often misses the mark. Their movement continues, or it transforms into a petty argument.

Good intentions, but a lack of understanding results in an incorrect strategy.

In most cases, this movement isn’t a sign of hyperactivity but rather a brilliant, self-taught coping strategy.

I’ll explain.

Move beyond the five senses

You know about sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing. You heard about these senses in primary/elementary school.

But there is a hidden sixth sense that is arguably the most important for a child’s emotional well-being: The Vestibular System.

And it wasn’t something you were taught at school. And your parents wouldn’t have known about it either.

Tucked away in the inner ear, the vestibular system is your child’s internal spirit level.

It senses gravity and movement, telling the brain where the body is in space.

More importantly, it is directly hard-wired to the nervous system.

When the world feels too loud, too fast, or too demanding, the vestibular system is the volume knob that can turn the stress down.

How do kids turn the volume down?

Through movement….but not just any kind.

Remove the school day static

Modern childhood is high-pressure.

Between the sensory overload of a noisy classroom and the mental effort of behaving well and focusing all day, children often leave school with their brains full of static.

When a child rocks, swings, or paces, they are using rhythmic movement to:

• Lower their heart rate: Slow, repetitive motion acts like a natural sedative for the brain.

• Filter the noise: It helps them tune out the world and tune in to their own bodies.

• Reset their clock: It’s a transition ritual that says, “The school day is over; I am safe at home now.”

Rhythmic movement is the key to turning the volume down and removing the day's static. It provides instant and natural stress relief.

Build your child’s agency through self-regulation

One of the best gifts to give a child is agency—the sense that they have the power to influence their own lives and emotions.

Recognise that fidgeting or rocking (common forms of stimming) is actually a child’s way of managing their own stress.

Stop seeing it as a behaviour to be controlled and start seeing it as a competence.

By allowing them space for these movements, you teach them: “You know what your body needs. You have the tools to make yourself feel better.”

Try these simple strategies at home

You don’t need a gym, a course or fancy equipment to help your child use their vestibular system to de-stress.

Here are three simple resets for a pressured day:

1. The 10-Minute Cocoon

If your child is prone to meltdowns after school, give them permission for 10 minutes of rhythmic time.

This might be on a swing, a rocking chair, or simply rocking to and fro on their bed.

No screens, no questions—just movement.

2. Get those big limbs working

If your child seems anxious, give them something to push or pull.

Carrying a basket of laundry or doing wall pushes (pushing against a wall as hard as they can) provides deep pressure that works alongside the vestibular system to ground them.

Jumping on a trampoline, swimming a few laps of the pool, or doing some intense sports practice also does the trick.

3. Go for a walk

Never underestimate the power of a rhythmic, steady walk.

The left-right-left walking rhythm is one of the most effective ways for people of any age to deal with a stressful day.

For many kids, walking home from school is enough to remove the stress of their day. That’s a luxury that not every child enjoys.

Final thoughts

The next time you see your child moving in a way that seems pointless or repetitive, take a breath.

They aren’t being difficult; they are likely doing exactly what they need to do to find their centre and reset.

When you understand the why behind the movement, you can stop managing behaviours and start raising children who are the masters of their own calm.

And you’re giving them the advantage of agency over their lives.

Do you know a parent, teacher or coach who would benefit from this article? If so, sharing is easy.

Share Michael Grose I Parenting Toolbox

This newsletter is available to Paid subscribers and Parenting Toolbox School Members. Please note that School Members are authorised by Copyright Permission to distribute it within their school community. We will send your linked graphics and texts shortly.

Four days left…

Please note: Enrolment for new Paid Members and new Parenting Toolbox School members for 2026 will CLOSE on 28th February.

Upgrade now

Developing and maintaining friendships is a dynamic process.

And that can present headaches for parents.

Most children experience some form of peer rejection throughout childhood.

One study found that even popular children were rejected about one quarter of the time when they approached children in school.

Most children experience social rejection and recover from it.

They move on and form constructive, worthwhile relationships with like-minded children, but some children benefit from additional support or coaching.

Several studies indicate that children can be coached in friendship skills; a supportive friendship coach can make a significant difference.

The strategies are simple and focus on teaching children a range of friendly behaviours, such as talking with others while playing, showing interest in others, smiling, offering help and encouragement when needed, being willing to share, and learning how to enter a game or social situation.

It is also useful to teach children alternatives to fighting and arguing when disagreements arise within groups.

Gender, giftedness and birth order matter

Gender impacts the ability to make friends. Girls are further advanced along the stages of friendship than boys during the primary school years.

Many boys need a parent to be their social coach, constantly reminding them of friendly behaviours and providing social scripts for tricky social situations, such as meeting a new friend, asking an adult for help and saying No to a peer or sibling who teases.

Gifted children are often further advanced along the continuum of friendship behaviours than their peers. They seek more intimate friendships at a much younger age than their peers. This challenges the perception that gifted children have poor social skills; it appears they have a different concept of friendship than those around them.

My birth order research reveals that second and middle children generally have more friends than firstborns. They are more adaptable and welcoming of children with different interests. Their negotiation skills, needed in the hurly-burly of playground politics, are more advanced, honed by years of practice of negotiating to get their needs met under the competitive eye of a firstborn.

Eldest children are more likely to be introverted, preferring to spend time with a smaller number of friends.

Regardless, all children benefit from exposure to supportive adults adept in coaching them in the art of making and keeping friends.

Coaching kids in the art of making and keeping friends

Here are ten ideas to help you coach your child in the art of making friends:

1. Put friendships on the conversation table

Establish a dialogue with your child about friendships so you can offer support when difficulties arise and provide ideas when needed.

Be upfront with your child and discuss the importance of building connections with children both inside and outside school.

Talk, don’t lecture.

Open lines of communication before children enter adolescence.

2. Identify what may be holding a child back

Identify and discuss any behaviour, such as teasing, bullying or self-centredness, that may prevent your child from making friends.

Sometimes a child’s remarks can irritate others to the extent that he or she is ostracised.

Others struggle sharing information about themselves, which is a no-no in the give-and-take game of friendships.

Don’t be squeamish. Be upfront with your child.

If they’re not great sharers, let them know, then set up situations that require them to share.

3. Put your coaching hat on

Teach social skills such as starting a conversation, being a good winner and loser, and holding others' interest during a conversation.

Playing games with family members is a great way for kids to pick up many of these skills.

Overt teaching - “Next time you want to play a game with……try……”

There are many ways to help kids acquire those skills. Including workshopping………

4. Workshop tricky scenarios

The social world for many children is far more challenging than the academic world.

Math is a breeze compared to meeting new friends, saying no to peer pressure or letting a friend know that their behaviour is annoying.

It helps to workshop different scenarios with kids, providing them with social scripts and alternative behaviours that they can try in sticky situations.

Next time they come to you with a problem, try workshopping different solutions with them.

5. Focus on soft power

Some children (okay, usually firstborns) struggle with keeping friends as they often use assertion (and aggression) rather than adaptability when they don’t get their own way.

Full-on assertion (”do it my way”) usually meets with rejection at some point.

Undoubtedly, soft power wins in the long run in the friendship arena.

Kids who can adapt, use humour, have a positive attitude, are helpful, and know how to stand up for themselves when behaviour is unjust or unfair do well with friendships.

These are all soft power skills that are the domain of firstborn girls, some secondborns and most youngest children.

6. Teach your child how to read the room

Children who struggle to make friends often charge in too quickly or hover too far away in play or social situations.

It helps to teach them to “read the room” in social situations. Encourage them to watch a group for 30 seconds to identify the game being played and the overall “vibe” before making an approach to join in.

This gives slow-to-warm-up personality types the chance to feel comfortable (and weigh different social options) in new situations and environments.

By coaching them to look for a natural entry point- like offering to retrieve a stray ball- you help them avoid the social friction that comes from awkward interruptions.

7. Leverage the “home ground” advantage

Social anxiety is often lower in a familiar environment.

Organise a “micro-playdate” with just one other child at your home, centred around a structured activity like Lego or baking. This controlled setting enables you to use friendship coaching in real time.

If a conflict arises over sharing, you can quietly pull your child aside to validate their frustration while helping them navigate the social “repair” needed to keep the play session going.

8. Develop a host mindset in your child

If your child likes to take charge and struggles with sharing, teach them how to be a good host.

Start by asking, “What does a good host do?” Make a list of behaviours that make others comfortable at home and in their company.

This shifts their focus from their own comfort to others’ comfort, building a foundation of empathy and emotional regulation.

9. Get them out and about

Encourage your child to participate in out-of-school activities or groups that offer opportunities to meet new people outside their school peer groups.

Friendships formed through shared interests are often very strong.

Birds of a feather flock together, so it’s more likely for children to find soul mates through shared hobbies and activities. Certainly, more likely than sitting at home in their bedroom………

10. Limit solitary activities

Alone time is really important for kids. It gives them the chance to process their day, relax, and feel comfortable in their own skin. However, it’s a balancing act.

Too much alone time means your child doesn’t have the opportunity to develop the basic skills they need to navigate the social world.

These skills don’t develop in a vacuum.

They develop through trial and error (and supportive coaching) in real-life, person-to-person situations.

So don’t be afraid to say “enough alone time.” Invite (or insist) them/they join the social world one interaction at a time.

Finally

Your goal as parents isn’t to collect friends for your children. It’s to help them develop the social “muscles” to connect when they want to, and the self-worth to be comfortable being alone.

Helping a child find their tribe is rarely about a single “grand gesture”; it is found in quiet, consistent social interactions in familiar and unfamiliar situations, as well as in supportive friendship coaching.

As you guide them through these challenges, remember that you aren’t just helping them find a friend for today—you are equipping them with the emotional intelligence to lead and connect for a lifetime.

Stay patient, keep the dialogue open, and celebrate the small “social wins.”

Their confidence will grow, one conversation, one interaction and one friendly gesture at a time.

Know someone who’d benefit from reading this article?

It’s easy to share.

Share Michael Grose I Parenting Toolbox

Become a Parenting Toolbox School

Many boys struggle to manage their emotions, making them vulnerable in school or social situations where emotional regulation is crucial for success.

They either mask up—nothing to see here—or lash out when they experience sadness, fear, anger, and frustration.

With the proper guidance, they can learn to navigate these powerful, confusing emotions in healthy ways.

Why It’s Hard for Boys

Society often discourages boys from expressing vulnerability, equating stoicism with strength. We do them no favours when we expect them to simply ‘man up’, when life gets tough.

Boys also battle their physiology.

With higher levels of testosterone, associated with aggression and possessing a larger amygdala - the brain’s threat centre responsible for the fight or flight response- boys are more likely to act out than girls when emotions run high.

This means boys benefit from direct, conscious guidance and boy-specific tools to develop agency over their emotions.

The following 10 expert-backed tools and strategies will help you successfully raise a boy who is emotionally intelligent, respectful, and able to navigate the challenges he encounters.

1. Develop Their Language of Emotions

For many boys, emotions are a confusing and overwhelming force.

They may not have the vocabulary to identify or express what they are feeling beyond "mad," "sad," or "happy."

The first step is to build their emotional language vocabulary.

There are many ways to build their emotional vocabulary, such as modelling, but perhaps the best way for boys is to catch them after an emotional moment.

Instead of asking, "Why are you so upset?" try, "It looks like you're feeling frustrated right now. Is that right?"

You can use a feelings chart with different emojis or pictures to help younger boys identify and express their feelings. This plays to a strength - their visual memory.

For older boys, introduce more nuanced words like "disappointed," "anxious," "overwhelmed," or "jealous."

Expert tip: Normalising these feelings in everyday conversation is a key to developing the emotional vocabulary of a boy. For example, "I'm feeling a little stressed after work today, so I'm going to take a walk to cool off," models healthy emotional expression.

2. Connect Before You Correct

When a boy is in the midst of an emotional storm—be it anger, frustration, or disappointment—his rational brain goes offline.

Trying to lecture or discipline them in that moment is a waste of time.

Instead, you need to connect with them first.

• Get down to their level, make eye contact, and offer a quiet, empathetic presence. A simple, "I can see you're really angry right now," validates their feeling without condoning the behaviour.

• A hug, a gentle touch on the shoulder, or a quiet moment of shared breathing can de-escalate the situation.

• Giving space and not crowding does the trick for some boys.

Once they have calmed down and feel seen and heard, they will be more receptive to a conversation about what happened and what they could do differently.

This process teaches them that emotions are manageable and that you are a safe person to turn to when they are struggling.

Expert tip: Set aside a quiet, safe space at home - a couch, a room - where quieter conversations can occur. Location carries memory, so make sure you don’t contaminate this safe place with criticism or arguments.

3. Build Emotional Competence Through Physical Activity

Boys often process emotions physically. When they’re happy, they jump about, and when they’re sad, they mope about!

Instead of seeing this as a negative, use it as a tool for emotional development.

Engaging in physical activities—whether it’s sports, a quick run around the yard, or wrestling with a pillow—can help boys release pent-up frustration and energy in a healthy way.

This physical effort helps to regulate their nervous system, making it easier for them to think clearly and calm down.

A simple suggestion, like "Let's go shoot some baskets to clear your head," can be more effective than a long chat when emotions are high.

Expert tip: Sports, in particular, offer a powerful lesson in emotional regulation. They teach boys how to deal with disappointment when they lose, manage frustration when they make a mistake, and handle the pressure of competition.

4. Provide a Safe Talking Space

Boys need a safe and private place to express their feelings without fear of judgment or consequence.

This doesn't have to be a formal therapy session; it can be a "car talk" on the way to practice, a moment while you're fishing together, or a quiet conversation while walking the dog.

These are moments where direct eye contact isn't necessary, which can make it easier for boys to open up.

The key is to listen without immediately trying to solve their problems or offer a lecture.

Ask open-ended questions like, "How did that make you feel?" or "What do you think you'll do about it?"

This teaches them that you are there to support them, not to control them.

Creating this space builds trust and encourages them to turn to you when they are struggling, rather than bottling up their emotions.

Expert tip: Many boys respond to think language rather than feeling language. For some boys, asking “What do you think about that?” rather than “What do you feel about that?” can help open up some conversations a little more easily.

5. Encourage Reflection, Not Reaction

When a boy misbehaves, avoid asking, "Why did you do that?"

He usually won't know why.

Instead, help him reflect on the moment of his poor choice to gain some insight into his thinking.

It’s more better to ask: "What were you thinking/feeling right before you did that?" "What was going on that made you want to react that way?" or "What will you do differently next time if you feel that way?"

These questions help them connect their feelings to their actions and develop a plan for the future.

This process moves them from a reactive state to a reflective one, building critical self-awareness.

Expert tip: Choose the time and place for reflection. Boys need space and silence for proper reflection. That’s why many boys go to their caves - their bedrooms - when they’ve had a bad day at school. They need a chance to process their day before they’re ready to talk.

6. Give Them Tools to Calm Down

Boys often struggle to regain composure when they’re overwhelmed with emotion.

They benefit from tools that help them calm down and have agency over their emotions.

The most appropriate tool is deep belly breathing, as it stops the fight-flight response that takes charge when emotions overwhelm them. They need to get the thinking part of the brain back online.

Other ways to calm down tools include mindfulness, clenching and unclenching fists to ease tension, counting to twenty, and going to a quiet space.

Expert tip: When your son is overwhelmed by emotion, sit with him and take some deep breaths together. Stop when his shoulders drop and he’s calmed down.

7. Help Boys Identify Their Emotional Triggers

Being forewarned is forearmed.

This old saying is particularly applicable to emotional smarts, as it involves giving boys a heads up on situations that can trigger their anger, anxiety, or frustrations.

If your son knows that, say, returning to school after the summer holidays always makes him nervous, he can then, with your help, put some coping strategies in place. Maybe he takes a break from after-school activities for a while, or his list of chores is reduced for a week or so as he gradually adjusts back to school.

Be frank with your son. Get to the point. No fluff.

Start the conversation about emotional triggers. “You know that every time you spend time with Tom, you come home angry. What’s going on?”

It’s a big step forward toward helping them regulate the emotions that overwhelm them.

Expert tip: A written or visual tool such as a diary or notebook can be very effective with boys who don’t talk much. This isn't a diary filled with prose, but a simple tracker. It can be a notebook where he draws a quick emoji or writes a single word to describe his mood each day. The goal is to help him identify patterns and connect feelings to events.

8. Use The "Detective" Method to Identify Triggers

When a boy is upset or angry, he often feels out of control.

Instead of focusing on the behaviour, encourage him to become a "detective" to solve the mystery of his own feelings.

Say something like, "Let's be detectives and figure out what's really going on." Ask questions such as, "What was the clue that told you something was wrong?" or "What happened right before you felt that way?"

This approach externalises the problem and gives him a sense of control.

It turns an emotional outburst into a puzzle to be solved, teaching him to identify triggers and connect them to his feelings in a calm, logical way.

Expert tip: Focus on the physical. For example, "When you feel nervous before a speech, where do you feel it? In your stomach? In your chest?" This helps him connect his emotional state to physical sensations, which is the first step in learning how to self-regulate.

9. Invite Boys to Forecast their Feelings

Just as we check the weather to prepare for the day, you can help your son learn to "forecast" his emotions.

At the start of the day or before a new activity, you can ask, "How do you think you might feel just before you give your speech?"

This proactive tool helps him anticipate potential emotional challenges and plan for them, rather than simply worry about them.

For instance, before giving a speech, he might say, "I think I'll feel a little nervous." You can then discuss strategies beforehand: "What's our plan if you start to feel nervous?"

This shifts the focus from reacting to emotions to proactively managing them.

Expert tip: When you check in, keep your questions short and to the point. A simple, "How's your feelings forecast looking for the test today?" is enough. The goal is to make it a quick, regular check-in, not a long, drawn-out conversation. This normalises the process and keeps him from feeling pressured.

10. Teach Empathy Through Action

While many boys are naturally empathetic, they may struggle to show it.

Their "move on" mentality after conflict can sometimes be perceived as insensitive or uncaring.

Encourage boys to repair and restore relationship breakdowns. This is more than simply saying "I'm sorry."

It's about creating a tangible act of kindness that demonstrates empathy. Such actions could include writing a note, making amends for a slight or misdemeanour, or simply spending time with the person they hurt.

Expert tip: Use storytelling and real-life situations to build their empathy. Ask questions like, "How do you think your friend felt when you said that?" or "Imagine you were in his shoes. How would you want someone to treat you?" This helps them develop the ability to see things from another person’s perspective.

Finally…..

When you teach your boys emotional intelligence, you are giving them a gift that will last a lifetime.

It’s an investment that pays dividends in their school life, their relationships, and their future careers.

Ultimately, emotional intelligence is the foundation for a life of purpose and happiness.

This journey requires patience, consistency, and a whole lot of love.

Start today, and watch with pride as your boy grows into a confident, caring, and capable man.

Know anyone who would benefit from learning how they can help the boys in their life build agency over their emotions?

It’s easy to share.

Share Michael Grose I Parenting Toolbox

Parenting Toolbox Wise Words

Many kids experience decision fatigue. Rituals reduce that fatigue.

“It‘s Friday night. Pizza night. Yey!”

Conscious thought: “I love pizza.” Unconscious thought: “Phew! I don’t have to decide.”

Rituals are the coat-hooks upon which kids hang their family memories. They bind people together. They make life simple and easy.

The perfect parenting trifecta!👍

Read our Top Posts about Raising Boys

Upgrade to Paid for the Full Experience

So, What Do You Think?

I’d love to hear your experiences, your questions or queries about raising boys. Perhaps you have a comment about this week’s newsletter? I’d love to read (and reply) to your thoughts or feedback.

Leave a comment

This newsletter is available to all subscribers as well as our Parenting Toolbox School Members, allowing them to easily extend their support beyond the classroom and directly into the homes of their school community.

Not a Parenting Toolbox School yet? Joining is quick and affordable.

Become a Parenting Toolbox School

As a parent, you’re wired to protect your child.

You want them to be happy, confident, and resilient.

You don’t want to see them struggle.

Even with something as innocuous as “butterflies in the tummy”, your internal alarm goes off.

Your breath shortens. Your shoulders tense. Your brow furrows.

You wonder, “Is this worry normal, or should I be concerned?” “How should I respond?”

Walking the Parenting Tightrope

How do you distinguish between normal childhood worries and something more significant – true anxiety that demands your attention and potentially, professional help?

It’s a question I get asked constantly, and for good reason.

Today, children are exposed to a diverse array of pressures.

Social media, academic expectations, even the news – it all contributes to a landscape where worry can easily take root.

But not all worry is anxiety, and knowing the difference is crucial. Anxiety left unchecked almost always rears its head at some stage. It may disappear after the anxiety-inducing event, but it will rise even stronger next time.

Critically, giving your child the tools and support they need to manage their anxiety is a significant investment in their future mental health and well-being.

Let’s explore the spectrum of worry, the tell-tale signs of anxiety, the three D’s that indicate it’s genuinely serious, and how to respond when it is.

Let’s go.

Subscribe now

The Spectrum of Worry: From Normal to Concerning

Let’s start by acknowledging that worry is a normal part of human development.

From the toddler who cries when you leave the room to the teenager fretting about their exams, children experience a spectrum of worries.

These are often healthy responses to new situations, challenges, or perceived threats. They learn coping skills, build resilience, and ultimately, grow.

Normal worries are:

• Temporary and specific: They’re usually tied to a particular event (such as a new school, a performance, or a visit to the doctor) and subside once the event is over or the child adapts.

• Mild in intensity: While they might cause some distress, they don't typically paralyse the child or significantly interfere with their daily life.

• Managed with reassurance: A hug, some comforting words, or a practical solution can usually help the child regulate their emotions and move past the worry.

• Developmentally appropriate: What’s normal for a five-year-old might be concerning for a ten-year-old. For example, a young child needing reassurance about separation is expected, but an older child showing extreme distress at brief separations could be a red flag.

However, when worry morphs into anxiety, it’s a different beast altogether.

Anxiety is an intense, persistent, and overwhelming feeling of apprehension or dread that goes beyond what’s typical for a child’s age and situation.

It’s when the "what ifs" become all-consuming, and your child struggles to switch off the worry circuit.

The Telltale Signs: How to Spot Anxiety in Your Child

Recognising anxiety isn't always straightforward. It’s as individual as the children it afflicts.

It can be subtle. It can be dramatic. It can be anything in between.

Knowing your child helps, especially knowing what’s normal behaviour and what’s not.

Here are some key indicators that your child’s worry is more than a fleeting concern

Here are some key indicators that your child's worry might be more than just a fleeting concern:

1. Physical Symptoms

Anxiety almost always has a strong physical component. Watch for:

• Frequent stomachaches or headaches, especially if there is no clear medical cause. These often appear before school, social events, or other anxiety-provoking situations.

• Changes in sleep patterns: Difficulty falling asleep, frequent night awakenings, or nightmares.

• Restlessness or fidgeting: An inability to sit still, constant movement, or nervous habits like nail-biting or hair-twirling.

• Muscle tension or aches: Often in the neck, shoulders, or jaw.

• Shortness of breath or rapid heartbeat: The "fight or flight" response kicks in.

• Changes in appetite: Either overeating or a significant loss of appetite.

2. Behavioural Changes

Anxiety often shows itself through a child’s behaviour. Look for:

• Avoidance: This is a hallmark of anxiety. Your child might refuse to go to school, avoid social situations, or shy away from new experiences that they once enjoyed.

• Increased clinginess or separation anxiety: This is extremely common, even in older children. It manifests in various ways, including a sudden reluctance to be away from you, attention-seeking behaviour, or asking numerous questions.

• Irritability, tantrums, or meltdowns: When feeling overwhelmed, children may struggle to regulate their emotions, leading to big emotional outbursts, ranging from “Woe is Me” to “I’m hopeless” type reactions.

• Difficulty concentrating or focusing: An anxious mind can rarely settle on one thing. It always goes back to the source of worry, making study and concentration difficult.

• Perfectionism or excessive self-criticism: A fear of making mistakes can drive anxious behaviour. There’s a strong link between perfectionism and anxiety, with the former heightened in an anxious moment.

• Seeking constant reassurance: Repeatedly asking "Are you sure?" or "Will it be okay?" If you find yourself in a dance with your child where you feel you’re constantly reassuring them every five minutes, then it’s a sign that they are experiencing anxiety.

• Social withdrawal: Pulling away from friends and activities they once enjoyed.

3. Emotional Indicators

Emotional signs are harder to spot, particularly among children who are adept at keeping their cards close to their chests. However, keep a lookout for:

• Excessive and persistent worry: This occurs when the worry is disproportionate to the actual situation and is difficult for them to control.

• Catastrophic thinking: Always jumping to the worst-case scenario - “This is going to be a disaster!”

• Fear of making mistakes or being judged: Leading to a reluctance to participate.

• Panic attacks: Sudden, intense bursts of fear accompanied by physical symptoms like rapid heart rate, sweating, and shortness of breath.

• Generalised anxiety: Worrying about a wide range of everyday things without a specific trigger.

• Excessive shyness or social anxiety: Fear of social situations and being judged by others.

• Phobias: Intense, irrational fears of specific objects or situations (e.g., spiders, heights, storms).

When to Know It's Real and Serious: The "Three D's"

Recognising the signs is the first step, but how do you know when it's genuinely serious and warrants professional intervention?

I use a simple framework I call the "Three D's":

1. Duration

How long has this been going on?

Normal worries are usually temporary. If the worrying behaviour or physical symptoms have been present for several weeks or months and aren't subsiding, it's a significant red flag.

Persistent anxiety isn't something a child can simply "grow out of" without support.

2. Distress

How much distress is it causing your child? Are they genuinely suffering? Are they tearful, agitated, irritable, or withdrawn for extended periods? Are they expressing feelings of overwhelming fear or sadness?

The level of emotional pain your child is experiencing is a crucial indicator.

3. Dysfunction

How much is it interfering with their daily life? Is it impacting their schooling, friendships, family life, or ability to participate in activities they once enjoyed? Are they avoiding situations that are developmentally appropriate?

If anxiety is causing significant disruption to their normal functioning, it’s a clear sign of a more serious issue. A particular sign I look for is if kids stop doing activities that normally love or look froward to such as playing sport.

If your child is experiencing one or more of these "Three D's" consistently, it’s time to take action.

Share Michael Grose I Parenting Toolbox

What to Do When You Suspect Serious Anxiety

First, it’s important to distinguish between your immediate response to a child’s anxiety and a long-term approach.

Responding to a child’s anxiety appropriately in the moment is different to managing it long-term.

I recommend a dual approach that helps you the parent or professional stay calm, while activating an anxiety response plan for an anxious child.

You can learn about this approach in this recent newsletter.

1. Validate Their Anxiety

The worst thing you can do is dismiss their worries with "Don't be silly" or "There's nothing to worry about."

Instead, say, "I can see you're really worried about this," or "It sounds like you're feeling a bit scared."

Validation is the cornerstone of building trust and encouraging them to open up.

2. Be a Detective

Take a step back and observe their behaviour, listen to what they say (and don’t say), and try to understand the triggers and patterns of their anxiety.

Keep a diary if necessary. Stay rational. Think of your child in the third person, which helps you be more objective.

3. Offer Practical Support and Coping Strategies

Teach them calming techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or progressive muscle relaxation.

Encourage them to discuss their worries, draw them out, or write them down.

Help them break down overwhelming tasks into smaller, manageable steps.

4. Model Healthy Coping

Children learn by watching us. If you manage your own stress in healthy ways, they’re more likely to adopt similar strategies. You must prioritise self-care.

5. Limit Exposure to Triggers (Where Appropriate)

While we can't shield them from everything, we can manage their exposure to overly stimulating environments, excessive screen time, or certain news stories if they are clearly contributing to their anxiety.

6. Prioritise Sleep, Nutrition, and Exercise

These are the foundations of good mental health. Ensure they're getting enough quality sleep, a balanced diet, and regular physical activity. If you’re child has trouble sleeping, which goes hand in hand with anxiety, then plan your schedule around your child’s sleep routine.

7. Seek Professional Help

This is perhaps the most important step if the "Three D's" are present. Don't hesitate to consult your GP, who can then refer you to a child psychologist, therapist, or counsellor specialising in child anxiety.

Early intervention is key.

A professional can assess the severity of the anxiety, diagnose any specific anxiety disorders (such as Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, or specific phobias), and develop a tailored treatment plan, often involving Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) which are highly effective for children.

Finally…..

Recognising true anxiety in your child is a challenging but critical parenting (and teaching) task.

It requires empathy, observation, and a willingness to seek help when needed.

By understanding the difference between normal worries and serious anxiety, and by acting decisively when the "Three D's" appear, you can equip your child with the tools they need to navigate their emotional landscape and build a foundation of resilience and well-being.

Remember, you’re not alone in this, and a wealth of support is available to help your child thrive.

Do you know a parent or professional who would find this information valuable? Sharing is easy.

Share Michael Grose I Parenting Toolbox

Parenting Toolbox Wise Words

“Kids who experience anxiety benefit from two parenting approaches. One that is initially empathetic says, “I get it.” They also benefit from an adult who says, “I think you can do this”, and encourages them to face their fears while giving them the tools to manage their anxiety and making the environment easier for them to succeed.”

Michael Grose, co-author Anxious Kids

Upgrade to Paid

Subscribe now

In today's fast-paced, fully connected world, children's mental health has become a pressing concern for parents and experts alike.

Recent statistics paint a sobering picture: over 53% of children aged 3-17 with a mental health condition received treatment or counselling from a mental health professional within the past year. In comparison, 43% were prescribed medication for various mental health issues.

These numbers highlight a significant gap in care, as many children who need support are not receiving adequate attention.

As parents, nurturing our children's positive mental health from an early age is crucial.

The foundations we lay today will shape their emotional resilience and well-being for years to come.

10 Essential Tools for Your Child’s Mental Health Toolbox

This guide offers ten practical, research-backed tools that you can start using today to super-boost your child's mental health and wellbeing.  And yes, they work.

Upgrade from Free

1. Mindfulness Practices - Cultivating Calm and Awareness

Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment without judgment, helping children manage stress and improve emotional regulation.

• Try simple exercises like guided breathing: have your child imagine blowing bubbles, inhaling deeply, and exhaling slowly.

• Introduce mindful walking: Encourage your child to notice the sensation of their feet touching the ground during a bush walk.

• Practise body scan meditation before bedtime: Guide your child to focus on relaxing each part of their body, from toes to head.

  ---

2. Physical Activity - Boosting Mood Through Movement

Regular exercise is crucial for mental health. The Australian Department of Health recommends 60 minutes of daily physical activity for children.

• Engage in fun family activities like bike rides or scavenger hunts in local parks

• Organise backyard ball games or footy kick-to-kick sessions

• Encourage outdoor play to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, such as building obstacle courses in the backyard

  ---

3. Open Communication- Fostering Emotional Expression

Creating a safe space for your child to express their feelings is vital for emotional development.

• Practice active listening: Put away distractions and give your full attention when your child wants to talk

• Share age-appropriate experiences to normalise emotional discussions: "I felt nervous on my first day at a new job too"

• Use "feeling words" to help children articulate their emotions: Create a feelings chart with faces and words to reference

  ---

4. Consistent Routines- Establishing Security Through Predictability

Structured routines provide a sense of stability that's essential for children's mental health.

• Maintain consistent bedtimes, even on weekends, to regulate sleep patterns

• Establish regular mealtimes and involve children in meal planning or preparation

• Create predictable daily schedules to reduce anxiety, using visual calendars for younger children

  ---

5. Growth Mindset - Embracing Challenges as Opportunities

Teaching children that abilities can be developed through effort and perseverance is crucial for long-term resilience.

• Praise the process rather than innate talent: "I'm proud of how hard you worked on that maths problem".

• Encourage learning from mistakes: Discuss what can be learned when things don't go as planned.

• Model resilience in the face of challenges: Share your own experiences of overcoming obstacles.

  ---

6. Balanced Screen Time - Managing Digital Exposure

Excessive screen use has been linked to increased anxiety and depression in children. Implement strategies to promote healthy digital habits.

• Set clear limits on daily screen time (1-2 hours for children over 5, excluding educational use).

• Create tech-free zones in your home, such as bedrooms and dining areas.

• Model healthy digital habits to reinforce boundaries, like putting phones away during family time.

  ---

7. Family Bonding - Strengthening Emotional Connections

Strong family relationships are a cornerstone of children's mental health, providing a secure base for emotional development.

• Create plenty of down-time to give people a chance to connect with each other and enjoy each other’s company.

• Share regular family meals, using conversation starters to encourage meaningful discussions.

• Create family traditions to foster lasting connections, such as holiday rituals or monthly outings to local attractions.

  ---

8. Creative Expression - Unlocking Emotional Outlets

Engaging in creative activities can be a powerful tool for emotional expression and stress relief.

• Encourage exploration of various artistic media: Set up an art corner with diverse materials.

• Provide materials for drawing, painting, or crafting: Keep a well-stocked craft box accessible.

• Support musical interests or creative writing: Enrol in classes or provide instruments and journals.

  ---

9. Quality Sleep - Prioritising Rest for Emotional Regulation

Adequate sleep is essential for optimal mental health. Children aged 6-12 need 9-12 hours of sleep per night.

• Establish a calming bedtime routine by incorporating activities such as reading stories or gentle stretching.

• Create a sleep-friendly environment: Ensure the bedroom is dark, quiet, and at a comfortable temperature.

• Limit stimulating activities before bed: Avoid screens and engaging games for at least an hour before bedtime.

  ---

10. Emotional Intelligence - Developing Emotional Regulation Skills

Help your child identify and manage their emotions effectively to build strong interpersonal skills.

• Introduce deep breathing techniques: Teach "balloon breathing" - inhale to inflate an imaginary balloon, exhale to deflate.

• Teach counting to ten for self-regulation: Practice this technique during calm moments to use when upset.

• Use feelings charts to aid emotional recognition: Create a visual guide with emojis or faces representing different emotions.

  ---

Finally….

Implementing these strategies consistently can significantly enhance your child's mental health landscape.

Every child is unique, so approach these tools with patience and flexibility. If you notice persistent changes in behaviour or mood, don't hesitate to seek professional guidance from your local GP or mental health professional.

By investing in these mental health tools today, we're not just addressing immediate concerns but building a foundation for lifelong emotional strength and resilience. As parents, we have the power to positively shape our children's emotional well-being, setting them up for success in all areas of life.

Ready to take the next step in supporting your child's mental health? Consider trying one strategy today and gradually incorporating others. For more in-depth resources, explore these reputable sources:

• Beyond Blue - Children's Mental Health

• Headspace - For Parents and Carers

• Raising Children Network - Mental Health Resources

Remember, by nurturing our children's mental health, we're investing in a brighter, more resilient future for the next generation.

Your efforts today will have a lasting impact on your child's emotional well-being for years to come.

Start small, be consistent, and watch as your child develops the tools they need to thrive emotionally and mentally throughout their life.

Share Michael Grose I Parenting Toolbox

Quick Notes: This issue of the Parenting Toolbox newsletter is available for our school members to share with their parent communities. School members will receive the graphics and links separately.

Become a Parenting Toolbox School

Friendships can be a rollercoaster for kids, filled with soaring highs and frustrating lows.

As parents, watching our children navigate these social dynamics can be tough.

We want to swoop in and fix things, but the real magic lies in equipping them with the tools to navigate these bumps themselves.

Think of yourself as their guide, not their rescuer

According to Alfred Adler, the father of Individual Psychology, managing friendships is one of the three life tasks that everyone encounters. The other two are work/school and family.

Adler maintains that all three tasks are problematic but pivotal to our contentment and life satisfaction.

Our early social experiences and the relationship skills we develop in childhood influence our future friendships.

Adler urged parents to recognise that a child’s friendship capacities are central to their (a child’s) wellbeing and a significant contributor to school (future work) success.

• Unresolved friendship problems = unhappy child = poor learning outcomes.

So, what to do?

As a parent guide and teacher, you need tools to help your child resolve their friendship issues.

Aim to build your child’s agency to manage their friendship issues—not right away but in the long run.

To do this, you must draw on your array of relationship skills to help your child.

Here are ten time-tested tools to add to your parenting toolbox to help your kids become expert friendship problem-solvers.

1. Listen First, Judge Later (or Never!)

When your child comes to you with a friendship woe, your first instinct might be to offer solutions or take sides.

Resist this urge.

Instead, create a safe space for them to vent.

Put down your phone, point your feet in their direction, make eye contact, and truly listen to their perspective.

You might hear about a playground squabble over a toy, feeling left out during recess, or a misunderstanding about a playdate.

Feeling heard and understood is the first step in them feeling empowered to tackle the issue.

Listen to understand, not to advise.

Avoid starting with "Well, maybe you..." or "Did you think that..." Instead, try phrases like "That sounds upsetting" or "Tell me more about what happened."

2. Help Them Identify the Problem

Once they've shared their story, gently guide them to pinpoint the core issue. Sometimes, what seems like a huge drama is a simple misunderstanding. Ask open-ended questions like:

• "What exactly made you feel upset/angry/left out?"

• "What do you think the problem is here?"

• "What did your friend say or do that bothered you the most?"

This process helps them move beyond just expressing their feelings to analysing the situation.

3. Brainstorm Solutions Together

Now comes the good part – exploring possibilities!

Resist the urge to offer quick fixes, unless they are truly stuck.

Instead, ask your child:

• "What are some things you think you could do?"

• "Have you seen other kids solve problems like this before?"

• "What would happen if you tried talking to your friend about it?"

Encourage a range of ideas, no matter how silly they might initially sound.

This teaches them that there isn't always one "right" answer and that they have the ability to generate options.

4. Use Behaviour Rehearsal

Once you've brainstormed some potential solutions, it's time to implement them in a safe space.

Let your child practise what they’d say in different social situations and scenarios.

You can pretend to be a friend, and your child can practice what they want to say or do.

This builds their confidence and helps them feel more prepared when they face the real situation.

For instance, if the problem concerns sharing, ask politely, "Can I have a turn when you're finished?"

5. Focus on Things They Can Control

Kids must understand that they can only control their actions and reactions, not their friends'.

If a friend is consistently unkind, the solution might not be to change the friend, but to learn how to set boundaries or decide how much time they want to spend with that person.

Help them identify what they can do in the situation.

6. Discuss Different Friendship Levels

Help your child understand that not all friendships are the same. Friendships fit three different levels:

1. Close friends—typically, children have between one to three close friends at any one time.

2. Casual friends are children your child knows well, but don’t always form a tight group with.

3. Acquaintances are a broader circle of friends who may share similar interests, be in the same class, or know each other through after-school activities.

It's okay if some friendships have more bumps than others and if they change over time.

• Remove the expectation that every peer relationship needs to be perfect.

7. Emphasise Empathy

Friendship problems often arise from a lack of understanding of each other's perspectives.

Encourage your child to think about how their friend might be feeling. Ask questions like:

• "How do you think your friend felt when that happened?"

• "Why do you think your friend might have done that?"

• “How did it affect your friend, do you think?”

Developing empathy is key to resolving conflicts and building stronger relationships.

8. Help Your Child Understand How Good Friends Act

Help your child understand what a good friend looks like and how they behave so they can be good friends and recognise unfriendly behaviour from others.

For instance, good friends:

• Share information, time and possessions. They give of themselves but understand the boundaries of disclosure.

• Allow their friends to have other friends and don’t expect exclusivity.

• Know how to keep secrets and will stick up for their friends.

Use this list to guide a conversation with your child around friendships.

9. Recognise Their Efforts, Not Just the Outcomes

Solving friendship problems is a learning process. Sometimes, despite their best efforts, things might not work out exactly as they hoped.

As the saying goes, you can’t win ‘em all!

Acknowledge their courage in resolving the issue, regardless of the outcome.

Focus on the skills they used – communicating their feelings, brainstorming solutions, or standing up for themselves. This reinforces that the effort is valuable, even if the immediate problem isn't resolved.

10. Handle Friendship Changes

Best friends forever!

Nice idea, but not practical for most children.

Kids change. Friends drift apart.

They develop and mature at different stages and can leave each other behind.

That doesn’t excuse unfriendly or mean behaviour, but knowing that can help children understand why yesterday’s friend is no longer close.

Hurtful? Yes.

But natural nonetheless.

Resilient kids cope with this minor loss and form friendships with other children based on shared interests, hobbies, or school subjects.

Know your role

Your role is to empower your child to navigate the social world. So you’re part guide, part emotional supporter and part teacher.

By listening, guiding, and encouraging their problem-solving skills, you're equipping them with essential life skills that will serve them far beyond the playground.

You're teaching them resilience, communication, and the ability to build and maintain healthy relationships—invaluable life skills.

Do you know someone who’d benefit from reading this post? If so, please share this positive parenting message.

Share

Parenting Toolbox Quiz

Put your parenting knowledge to the test with these multiple-choice questions. Let’s go:

1. When supporting the emotional development of boys, it’s MOST helpful to:

   a) Encourage them to suppress their softer side.

   b) Provide them with a wide vocabulary to express their feelings, both ‘strong’ and ‘vulnerable’.

   c) Assume they are naturally less communicative than girls.

   d) Focus primarily on physical outlets for their energy.

2. For neurodivergent children, providing clear and predictable routines is beneficial because it:

   a) Forces them to conform to external expectations.

   b) Reduces anxiety and provides a sense of safety and control.

   c) Limits their spontaneity and creativity.

   d) It appeals to their focused interests.

3. Which of the following describes a natural consequences approach to discipline?

   a) Imposing a punishment that is directly related to the misbehaviour.

   b) Explain to a child why their behaviour was wrong and apply a logical consequence.

   c) Ignoring minor misbehaviour in the hope that it will extinguish itself over time.

   Reduces anxiety and provides a sense of safety and control.

Answers

1.b) Provide them with a wide vocabulary to express their feelings, both ‘strong’ and ‘vulnerable’.

2. b) Reduces anxiety and provides a sense of safety and control.

3.c) Ignoring minor misbehaviour in the hope that it will extinguish itself over time.

Want to discuss these solutions? Please message me with your queries or thoughts.

Want to delve deeper to learn more?

Each question relates to one of our Parenting Toolboxes. For more information about:

Question 1: Check out the Parenting Boys Toolbox.

Question 2: Find out more at the Neurodiverse Kids Toolbox.

Question 3: Discover more at Behaviour Toolbox.

Upgrade to Paid

Upgrade to Paid

Hello Everyone,

I’ve received many enquiries lately about addressing kids’ fears and anxieties, so hopefully, this article will be helpful.

It’s about giving kids strong agency over their well-being.

Strong agency is the engine that drives kids’ sustained success and well-being. My recent masterclass newsletter provides more information about building strong agency.

In the meantime, enjoy this article and share if you know a parent who could benefit from reading this piece.

Share

Twenty-first-century families need a big mental health toolbox to help their kids manage anxiety and other difficult emotions.

When life throws curveballs, some kids take things in their stride, while others go straight to anxiety, anger or fear.

But even easygoing kids need a variety of tools to shift their emotional states.

Feeling emotional extremes is part of life, but that doesn’t mean they must stay in those states.  Kids don’t have to stay hostage to their moods. They can shift from a sour mood to a more pleasant and productive space with the right tools.

These ten practical tools help kids have agency over their emotions, allowing them to shift to more pleasant feelings when they feel low.

1. “Take a breath….take a few actually”

The simplest way for a child to feel better, whether it’s to calm their nerves before a talk or reduce anxiety before meeting new friends, is to take three or four deep breaths. Breathing grounds kids in the moment and is central to every child’s wellbeing toolbox.

Deep breathing triggers dopamine release, initiating the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes physical calm and contentment.

2. “Picture yourself….”

Anyone who carries a picture of a loved one with them will know how powerful a visual reminder can be. Encourage your child to carry a picture of their favorite person, pet, or holiday to help them feel better when needed.

Pictures and photos have a deep emotional impact as the visual mode is powerful.

3. “Let me entertain you….”

Watching a movie, reading a book and playing a favourite game are great ways to move moods to more desirable places.

These distractions are great for kids’ mental health and super mood shifters as well.

Entertainment conquers the scourge of anxiety-inducing rumination by fast-tracking kids out of their heads and into the present moment.

4. “DO something….”

Boys are action-oriented, acting out their feelings more than girls. When they are happy, they dance and gig around; when they are mad, many become aggressive or more active.

Help boys use their preference for action to dissipate emotion or shift their moods to better places.

If they are angry, insist they play an active game or sport to get the energy out.

Lethargy, boredom and other passive emotional states too can be shifted through physical activity.

PLEASE NOTE: This movement strategy works well for action-oriented girls too.

5. “Listen to the music…”

Have you ever experienced that sudden change in background music from happy to suspenseful in a movie scene?

Music will shift an emotional state quicker than anything else, which makes it a brilliant mental health tool.

Encourage kids to change their moods by listening to music that will help them feel better, more relaxed, or even inspired.

Playing music and singing can have the same effect.

6. “They get by with a little help from their friends….”

It’s natural for kids to seek solitude when they feel down or have experienced unpleasant events. They need time to process these events internally.

Some kids prefer to visit their caves (aka bedrooms) to process their emotions, while others use a keyboard (formerly it was a diary) to help them work through difficult feelings and events.

At some point, they need to emerge and seek the company of others, whether for distraction or to share their worries.

Seeking the support of family and friends is a fabulous long-term mood changer and a valuable life skill.

7. “Think yourself to a different mood…”

I remember my mother saying to me as a child, “For goodness’ sake, stop moping about. Stop that ridiculous brooding!”

“Ouch!”

While her take-no-prisoners approach may not be everyone’s cup of tea, her message resonates with every parent.

My mother believed that if I could think myself into a negative mood, then I could also think my way to a better mood.

She was right.

Kids can cultivate positive thoughts by reminiscing about happy times, delightful places, and cheerful occasions.

Their thoughts impact their feelings, so they should use them to their advantage.

8. “Talk yourself into a better frame of mind…..”

Sustained positive self-talk is one of the best ways to move from a place of anxiety to a place of optimism and hope.

The trick is for kids to catch their negative self-talk and replace it with a mantra such as “I can do this. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.”

Change your self-talk, change your moods!

The hard part is remembering to do it.

9. “Mind the meditation….”

It’s fabulous to see many schools now add mindfulness and meditation to their well-being programs.

(An aside: My granddaughter, who lives in Sweden, is adept at mindfulness and uses it regularly to calm herself down or put herself in a better mood. Mindfulness is part of everyday school life in Swedish schools.)

Mindfulness and meditation are terrific strategies to help kids relax and ease the tensions and stresses of life.

Both involve managing the mental clutter that can overwhelm individuals, impacting how they feel.

Mindfulness and meditation can easily be incorporated into everyday family life, and they don't have to be lengthy to be effective.

10. “Get a good night’s sleep…”

Parents of past generations told children and young people, “"Remember to get a good night's sleep, and things will be better in the morning.”

There’s loads of evidence that links sufficient sleep to good emotional and mental health outcomes.

With the high number of children currently experiencing anxiety and depression, a great place to start is – get a good night’s sleep.

If your child appears to be consistently unhappy or out of sorts, a visit to the doctor may be a good starting point.

If that doesn't help, prioritise sleep as the number one factor in maintaining long-term mental health.

Finally…..

Yes, this post is about building your toolbox, so I invite you to take action. I suspect you already practice many of these. If so, that’s great.

Hopefully, there will be something here to challenge you. If so, start with the tool or idea that you feel is most appropriate for your child and the easiest for you to implement and teach.

Whatever you choose, involve your child - invite rather than impose. Introduce in low-stress situations, if possible. Start in low or no-stress situations until they become automatic.

When a tool or strategy is effective, practice it repeatedly until it becomes automatic.

Be ready to experiment. Know when to persist and make sure you have some fun with them.

Share Michael Grose I Parenting Toolbox

A Note for School Leaders and Professionals:

Please feel free to share this newsletter on social media. If you wish to share articles from the Parenting Toolbox with your parent community in your newsletter or other media, please contact me directly.

Feedback is motivating! I’d love to hear your comments (positive or otherwise) about the content in this newsletter. No need to be shy.

Leave a comment

Recently, my daughter rebuked a male friend who complimented her about losing weight.

“You just can’t say that!”

Realising his mistake, the young guy said, “Okay. Sorry. What should I say instead?”

“Tell me I look healthy.”

“Hey, you look really healthy!”

“That’s better,” remarked my daughter, who has clearly inherited an assertiveness gene from her mother.

This young man was well-intentioned, but his scripting was askew.

He may have known that complimenting a woman about losing weight is no compliment at all, however he didn’t know what else to say.

My daughter gave him a new script, which he can use in similar situations in the future.

Social scripting is a great parenting tool.

Kids often don’t have the vocabulary they need to help them stay safe, tackle social situations or express themselves to the people they love.

You’re never too young or too old to be hugged. Just as you’re never too young or too old to receive a social script from a well-meaning friend or parent.

Social scripting develops independence.

There’s a real temptation to do all the talking and problem-solving for kids. Let’s face it, it’s easier and quicker sometimes to sort out their problems ourselves.

The job of parents is to wean kids off them, and social scripting is a big part of this process. Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Asking a teacher for help or assistance

Kids often coerce parents to do their bidding with teachers, coaches, siblings and other adults.

It’s easy to pick up the phone and arrange to meet a teacher or go into your child’s room and ask for something on behalf of your child.

Offer them a script instead. “Choose a time when your teacher is free, and then ask her if you can sit at the front of the classroom. You could say….”

2. Entering a game at school

Many kids struggle to enter into a game or activity at school, so they sit on the sidelines and miss out.

Social scripting involves timing, not just the words to use.

Consider coaching a child about how he or she may approach a situation.

Suggest that he or she looks for someone they know, and waits for a lull in the game before asking. Yep, script is as much about how to say things as what to say.

3. Telling a sibling to stop annoying them

“Jessica, please stop flicking the ruler while I’m watching TV. I find it annoying.” This may work.

If not, this child could try, “Jessica, could you flick your ruler elsewhere.”

It may work. It may not.

But it’s infinitely better than yelling, “Jessica, DOOOONNNN’TTTT!!!!”

Give kids scripts to help them negotiate their sibling relationships.

Kids practise on their siblings and take the skills and words they learn at home into their wider social worlds.

4. Saying no to a friend without losing face

Research shows that many teenagers struggle with peer pressure because they don’t know how to say no in a way that maintains their status.

One strategy is to use an excuse rather than say give an outright no.

“I don’t want to drink tonight because I’ve got football training in the morning.”

5. Expressing their emotions

Both genders can struggle to express their feelings, particularly if they haven’t been taught the words to use at home.

Recently, I saw a mother prompt her three year old when he was clearly annoyed.

“Are you frustrated Maxie?”

“Yes, I fusttated!!”

“Would you like a hug?

“Yessss!”

You’re never too young or too old to be hugged.

And you’re never too young or too old to receive a social script from a well-meaning parent…..and dare, I say, partner.