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Of all the tools in a parent’s toolbox, there is one that stands taller than the rest.

It isn’t the ability to craft a perfect consequence, nor is it the knack for persuasive storytelling.

The skill I admire most—and the one that serves as the bedrock for all effective guidance—is composure.

In the heat of a child or family meltdown, composure is the circuit breaker.

Why Composure is A Parent’s Best Friend

Parents always achieve better results when they exert a steady influence rather than unnecessary pressure.

In a family context, composure is your greatest source of influence.

When a child is spiralling into a tantrum or a teenager is testing a boundary with red-hot intensity, they are looking for a steady point of reference.

If you meet their big emotions with high-volume reactions of your own, you give your child control over your emotions.

And yes, they’ll press those buttons as hard as they can.

But by maintaining your composure, you retain the lead.

You show them that while their feelings are big, they are not big enough to break the adult in the room.

Understand the Mechanics of a Calm Brain

Composure is not the absence of feeling; it is the mastery of it.

It’s a form of parental self-discipline that prioritises long-term relationships over the short-term impulse to win an argument, or not let your child get the better of you.

Parents who can maintain their composure adopt a leadership mindset. They know that the leader in any group is not the loudest, noisiest or brashest person, but the calmest and most composed.

When you stay calm, you operate from your prefrontal cortex - the logical, rational part of your brain.

This allows you to use emotion coaching, where you acknowledge your child’s frustration (”I can see you’re really upset that we have to leave”) without getting sucked into the vortex of the conflict or their upset.

When you lose composure, you operate from your limbic region, that part of your brain responsible for the fight-or-flight response.

And that’s when your rational thinking goes out the window (along with your dignity and empathy for your child’s plight)

There’s only one part of the brain to engage when you want composure - the pre-frontal cortex.

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The Building Blocks of a Composed Response

Developing this level of restraint doesn’t happen overnight.

It requires a commitment to a few core concepts and skills:

• The Pause: One of the most powerful tools in parenting is the three-second gap between a child’s provocation and your response. This pause is where composure resides. Develop the habit of stopping, looking away and taking a few deep breaths before responding to a child’s provocation. Practise this in non-stress situations.

• The Leaders’ Mindset: Instead of seeing a child’s behaviour as a personal attack, see it as a lack of skill. This shift in perspective makes it much easier to stay calm and helpful.

• Positive Discipline: Composure allows you to be firm and kind at the same time. You can enforce a boundary without the side-serving of anger that often causes children to shut down or rebel.

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Model for the Future

You are your children’s primary social teacher.

If you want them to handle stress with grace and composure, they need to see what that looks like in practice.

When you choose composure over impulsivity, you don’t merely solve a problem in the moment; you provide a blueprint for your child’s future resilience.

You teach them that power doesn’t come from who can shout the loudest, but from who can remain the steadiest.

Yes, it can be hard to maintain composure under pressure, especially when you're tired and stressed.

But composure takes practice, so it becomes your default response when the you-know-what hits the fan.

Finally…

Great parenting is rarely about being perfect.

It’s about doing the little things consistently well.

Next time the tension rises in your household, take a breath and remember: your composure is the greatest gift you can give your child in that moment.

It’s the silent signal that says, “I’ve got this, and I’ve got you.”

That’s exactly what your child needs when the heat is on.

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In my work, I meet many exhausted parents, but it isn’t from a lack of good intentions.

It’s from a lack of leadership.

They’ve traded their authority for never-ending negotiations, and the result is a generation of children who feel like they’re in charge of a ship they don’t know how to steer.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when negotiation is fine.

It can be a good management technique, particularly over non-essential issues - “Should we have tacos or pasta tonight?” or “What movie should we see?”

But important issues like behaviour, safety and values aren’t up for negotiation - this includes bedtimes, wearing safety belts and how we speak to each other.

If you feel like you’re working harder than your child to manage their behaviour, the balance is off.

Stop being the negotiator and start being the firm, authoritative leader.

Authoritative parenting isn’t about getting tough—it’s about being the sturdy lighthouse your child needs to find their way through the fog.

Here are five tools to help you lead the way and avoid negotiating the non-negotiables.

1. Use Declarative Language

Don’t ask your child for permission to lead.

When you frame every instruction as a question, you invite a power struggle that shouldn’t exist.

When giving an instruction, lower your pitch, use fewer words, and state the expectation as a fact. For example, instead of asking, "Can you put your shoes on now?" try stating: "It’s time to put your shoes on. We are leaving in five minutes." This subtle shift establishes you as the person in charge, removing unnecessary friction.

Provide your child with the structure they need to feel secure, rather than seeking consensus on house rules.

Here’s how: “It’s time to pack up. We are leaving in five minutes.” Lower your voice, use fewer words, and state the facts.

2. Be the Thermostat, Not the Thermometer

A child in meltdown is like a fire.

The flames spread quickly.

And you can’t put out a fire with more fire.

If you allow your own frustration to mirror theirs, you lose the ability to guide them back to calm.

Your stability is the anchor they need when their emotions overwhelm them.

Use your physical presence to lower the temperature. Be the mood you want to see in your child.

Here’s how: Stay physically still. Breathe. Move away momentarily if you still can’t calm down. Speak low and slow to reconnect with your child.

(An aside: Practise speaking low and slow in non-stress situations. If you want to be heard when your children are noisy, lower your voice. It’s anti-intuitive, but it works)

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3. Remember, “When/Then” is Your Best Friend

I’ve noticed over the years working closely with families that negotiation breeds nagging, while logic breeds responsibility.

Negotiation is hard work, particularly when dealing with young bush lawyers who are adept at turning everything into a deal.

Use logic to break the cycle. (It works gang busters with teens as well.)

By clearly linking a desired activity to a required task, you move from being a “nagger” to being a provider of opportunity.

It places the power—and the consequences—directly in the child’s hands.

Here’s how: “When your shoes are on, then we go to the park.” If the shoes stay off, the car stays in the driveway. No yelling required—reality does the hard work for you.

4. Step Back from the Rescue

Resilience and grit are built in the struggle zone, not in the comfort zone.

Fixing kids’ problems does them few favours.

Every time you swoop in to fix a minor problem, you rob children of a chance to develop their capacities. If you want a child to be resourceful, you need to give them a chance to develop their resources.

True confidence is built on overcoming challenges, not avoiding them.

Here’s how: Wait 20 seconds before intervening. If they’re stuck, offer a “micro-hint” rather than a total takeover. Let them feel the pride of saying, “I did it.”

5. Replace Punishment with Restoration

Arbitrary punishments, such as losing dessert for a messy room, create resentment and sneaky behaviour.

Restoration, however, focuses on the fix rather than the fail, teaching children that mistakes can be mended through effort.

This approach builds a bridge back to the relationship rather than a wall between you.

Here’s how: If they break a rule or hurt a sibling, the question isn’t “Why did you do that?” but “How will you make this right?” If they make a mess, they clean it. If they hurt a feeling, they perform a service.

Finally

Leadership isn’t about intensity; it’s about consistency.

You don’t need to overhaul your entire life by Monday. Pick one area where you’ve become a negotiator, or worse, a nagger. Maybe it’s bedtime, or maybe it’s how they speak to you. Hold that one line today with a calm, firm “no.”

Don’t explain yourself for the tenth time. Just be the firm leader.

Your kids won’t necessarily thank you for the change. Ultimately, they will feel safer and develop greater agency when you replace the mantle of management with the leverage of leadership.

If you know someone who would enjoy this article or find it valuable, please share it with them. It’s easy to share.

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Our daughter organised her six-month exchange to Denmark when she was fifteen.

She didn’t do this by us doing more for her. Driving her everywhere. Cooking every meal. Getting her up in the mornings.

She got there because we did less.

There’s a current version of parenting that’s very managerial. It’s efficient, clean, and very safe. Kids get to school on time. They are always fed the most nutritious food available and are heavily involved in after-school activities.

The parent-manager makes this happen.

This was us with our eldest, and they remained very dependent on us. Until we changed.

With our next children, we shifted from parent-manager to parent-architect, shaping an environment that builds real capability.

It involved moving away from doing for them and moving toward providing the scaffolding they needed to do for themselves.

The activities we engaged in became part of our family culture. So much so that the next generation is coming through, with in-built agency.

“Look out, world, we’re coming, but in a good way.”

The shift from efficient parent-manager to parent-architect starts with a “do less, not more” mindset. It also gives kids the chance to problem-solve, learn from mistakes, and develop inner confidence in their own capabilities.

Magic!

Here are seven easy ways to get started.

1. Delegate meal preparation

Hand over the kitchen tongs.

Cooking is more than teaching a life skill. It signals that you trust their competence.

When a child follows a recipe or experiments with flavours, they are making a series of decisions with immediate, tangible results.

Start with one night a week where your child is the head chef for a simple dish.

You become sous chef—you do the chopping if they aren’t ready, but they make the executive calls on seasoning and timing.

2. Let them build

Let kids be designers of their own play.

Provide children with loose parts—such as old crates, PVC pipes, timber offcuts, or tyres.

Research shows that when materials have no single defined purpose, children must rely on their own internal drive and creative problem-solving.

To start, clear a corner of the yard and stock it with inexpensive hardware store finds or recycled goods. Apartment-dwellers can give over part of a room to building on a smaller scale.

Step back and resist the urge to tell them what to build; let the environment be the teacher.

(An aside: Lego and other construction-type toys, which thankfully are still popular with kids, only tap into part of their creativity as they often come in follow-the-plan-type kits.)

3. Navigate the ‘hood.

Spatial awareness and the ability to find one’s way are foundational to independence.

On your next walk to the park or shops, hand the lead over to your child.

Ask them to get the family there using landmarks or a basic map.

Get them to pay attention to their surroundings and take charge of the group’s direction.

Passive follower to active leader in a simple walk.

4. Solve problems collaboratively

The next time your child comes to you with a problem—a broken toy, a conflict with a sibling, or boredom—resist the fix-it reflex.

Instead, ask: “How can you handle this?”

Train their brain to look for solutions rather than obstacles.

Neuroscience teaches us that if they do this often enough, a pattern is created. Problem-solving becomes their default.

Start by making it a rule that they must bring a potential solution along with every complaint.

5. Facilitate family meetings

Replace the top-down managerial approach with a collaborative forum.

Use a weekly meeting to discuss chores, weekend plans, or recurring friction points. When children help draft the rules, they are far more likely to follow them because they have skin in the game.

Start with a simple agenda: what’s working, what isn’t, and what’s the plan for next week.

This teaches them that their voice can influence their community. That’s true agency.

6. Plan public transport routes

For older children, the ability to move through their city independently is a major milestone. It gives them something more valuable than money - autonomy!

Have them research the bus or train timetable for your next outing.

Let them check the platform numbers and signal the driver.

Feeling street smart is a powerful antidote to the anxiety of the unknown.

7. Make pocket money real

Do you get tired of your child always asking you to buy them ‘stuff’?

Hand over the decision-making on the purchase to your child. "Certainly you can buy that? You’ve got enough pocket money.”

This shift places the burden of choice squarely on their shoulders, moving from being a passive asker to an active decision-maker who is fully responsible for the outcome of their purchase.

That’s a powerful shift.

Finally…..

Building agency means less management of your child’s life and more designing for their independence.

By choosing to “do less,” you provide the scaffolding your child needs to build their own capability.

This shift from parent-manager to parent-architect trades daily efficiency for a family culture of grit, problem-solving, and genuine agency.

What’s one thing you can “do less” today to help your child do more?

Do you know someone who would benefit from reading this article? If so, it’s easy to share.

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In a recent post, I explored how the worlds of leadership development and effective parenting have essentially merged.

Raising a capable, resilient child is, in many ways, the ultimate leadership project.

Since then, my inbox has been buzzing.

Many of you reached out asking for the “how-to”—the boots-on-the-ground ideas to help bring these concepts into the living room, the backyard, and the car ride to footy practice.

As I’ve often said, fostering leadership starts with a shift in our own lens.

It’s about cultivating a leadership mindset. We need to move beyond just seeing good behaviour and start noticing—and naming—specific leadership habits.

What You Focus on Flourishes

There’s a simple truth in parenting: what you notice gets repeated.

When you shine a light on a child’s budding leadership, you aren’t just giving them a pat on the back; you are reinforcing a self-image.

This is particularly true for eldest children who often look to us for cues on how to navigate their world, but the impact ripples through the whole family.

The Power of a Shared Vocabulary

If you want to change a culture, you have to change the language.

When leadership terms become part of your family’s “kitchen table talk,” they become embedded.

Once they are embedded, they become a natural part of how your children operate.

Eventually, these habits are passed down to the next generation. That is the kind of legacy that truly sticks.

To help you catch your kids “doing it right,” try using these specific phrases linked to the Young Leaders’ five building blocks of leadership.

The secret is to praise the process and the specific block they are using.

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1. Mastering presence (Presentation Skills)

The Focus: Presence and clarity.

What to look for: Steady eye contact, upright posture, and a clear, audible volume.

• “I noticed how you looked the coach in the eye when you asked that question. That showed real presence.”

• “I love how you projected your voice just now. It made it very easy for everyone to hear your idea.”

• “You stood tall even though you were nervous. That’s what owning the room looks like.”

2. Stepping up (Responsibility)

The Focus: Ownership of actions.

What to look for: Admitting mistakes without prompts, proactivity with chores, and taking the initiative.

• “I saw you realised you forgot your water bottle and went back for it without me asking. That’s taking ownership.”

• “You owned that mistake instead of blaming your brother. “ That takes a lot of integrity.”

• “You saw a mess you didn’t make and cleaned it up anyway. That’s the ‘buck stops here’ mindset.”

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3. Staying ahead of the game (Organisation)

The Focus: Structure and foresight.

What to look for: Planning ahead, managing gear, and keeping personal spaces functional.

• “I love how you mapped out your morning so we aren’t rushing. You’re mastering your own map.”

• “You checked your checklist before we left the house. That preparation makes the whole day smoother.”

• “I noticed you laid out your gear for tomorrow. You’re definitely staying ahead of the game.”

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4. Moving from Me to We (Teamwork)

The Focus: Collaboration and empathy.

What to look for: Encouraging others, active listening, and navigating sibling dynamics smoothly.

• “It was great how you asked your friend what they wanted to play instead of just choosing. That’s lifting while you climb.”

• “I saw you encourage your teammate after they missed that shot. You’re building a stronger team.”

• “You listened to everyone’s ideas before making a plan. That’s exactly how great collaborators lead.”

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5. Taking charge of the inner CEO (Emotional Intelligence)

The Focus: Self-regulation and awareness.

What to look for: Naming feelings, pausing before reacting, and using self-calming strategies.

• “I noticed you took a deep breath when you got frustrated with that puzzle. You’re doing a great job leading your ‘internal weather.’”

• “You recognised that your friend was feeling sad and gave them some space. That’s high-level tuning in.”

• “I’m impressed by how you named your frustration instead of acting on it. Your ‘Inner CEO’ is definitely in charge.”

Finally

By naming these behaviours—whether it’s the Organisation shown in a packed school bag or the Emotional Intelligence used to handle a disappointment—you are giving your child a vocabulary for lifelong success.

You help them see themselves not just as good kids, but as capable leaders.

Leadership isn’t a destination they reach at age eighteen; it’s a muscle they build every time they choose to own a mistake or lift up a friend.

It doesn’t take a massive overhaul of your parenting to raise a leader. It just takes a keen eye for the small things and the right words to reinforce them.

By catching them doing it right today, you are preparing them to lead the way tomorrow.

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Parenthood is a state of mind as much as an activity. It’s an identity that takes some people time to grow into.

I’ve seen my three adult children grow into parenting, much as I did four decades ago. 

A significant part of the parenting mindset involves accepting that there will always be some struggle.

This is beneficial because growth occurs through struggle:

No Hardship. No Learning. No Growth.

Good intentions won’t get you through your parenting struggles. Learning and applying new tools will.

Of course, when you overcome one challenge, another takes its place; such is the nature of the parenting experience.

So you are always learning and adding to your toolbox.

These five struggles are universal but are often overlooked.

1. Time tensions

Lack of time to do everything you want as a parent is a modern phenomenon.

Two decades ago, Quality time was a popular parenting concept. This was a simplistic solution to a complex issue.

What makes up quality time? Is some time spent in the company of children better than other times? Is dressing a toddler less valuable than playing with a toddler? Is time spent driving a teen to a friend’s house a different quality than listening to music together? Does high quality make up for a low quantity of time?

It doesn’t make sense.

Viewing time spent with kids through the relationship lens reveals how to allocate it effectively. If you want a strong bond with a child, the key is to enjoy one-on-one moments with them. It doesn't matter much what you do together, but that you share each other’s company, whether playing, sharing a meal, or walking to school. It’s how children learn about you, and you learn about your child—their interests, personality, and fears.

• First-born and last-born children frequently spend more time one-on-one with a parent than a middle child, so you must be organised or sneaky to ensure that you spend time with this cohort.

One-on-one time is one of the keys to strong relationships between parents and kids.

2. Sibling Squabbles

Question: What causes sibling fighting?

Answer: Having more than one child.

Sibling fighting, arguing, and squabbling are part of the parenting story. Not all siblings fight, but most do at some stage in their relationship. It varies between girls and boys, with the former being more verbal and the latter more physical, as a rule of thumb.

I’ve held seminars, written countless articles, and even written a book on sibling rivalry and the subsequent conflict, but I do not recommend focusing on fighting to parents. It’s a better use of your energy to build strong family connections and a strong family.

• Rituals are vital to building close, harmonious families. Family rituals such as shared mealtimes, celebrations and the unique ways you come together help bond people—families break down when rituals are absent.

• Downtime is the unorganised time when family members are at home together for no particular purpose. Samoan families, like many Polynesian families, are incredibly close. Their strong bonds are attributed to family members spending a lot of time together just enjoying each other’s company. In the highly structured lives of today’s Western families, downtime is a rare commodity, so cherish it when it happens.

3. Behaviour Balance

When I began my career as a parenting educator four decades ago, parenting education was code for behaviour management. Most people who attended a parenting program wanted to know how to raise cooperative, respectful, well-behaved kids.

Parenting education is way more varied now, but poor behaviour remains a core issue for parents.

Who doesn’t enjoy it when your child cooperates with you? No arguing. No procrastination.

Most parents would take a cooperative, well-behaved child any day!

One of my favourite tools for combating poor behaviour and teaching kids how to behave in the moment is the “Quiet Word.”

When your child is less than perfect in public or in private, go close enough for you to talk in hushed tones, touch their shoulder, get down to their level, and let them know that you disapprove of their behaviour and tell them how to behave.

The “Quiet Word” maintains their dignity and helps to keep them calm.

Choose the time and place for the “Quiet Word”. If they are angry or upset, let them calm down on their own before speaking to them.

4. Anxiety Awareness

In my 2019 book Anxious Kids, coauthored with Dr Jodi Richardson, I outlined many reasons why childhood anxiety is going through the roof, including more anxious parents, tight schedules, lack of free play, high expectations and more. Now, you can add COVID-19 lockdowns and social media to this list.

There are many tools parents can teach their kids to help them manage their anxiety, including deep breathing, emotional regulation, spending time in nature, exercise, mindfulness and more complex tools such as meditation and diffusion.

• But the best tool is giving your child a Mega-dose of Independence (thanks to the Anxious Generation for this term).

Independence reduces anxiety by exercising the psychological muscles needed to counteract stress. Most importantly, it builds confidence by exposing individuals to real-life situations unrelated to their fears. For example, if someone fears the dark, they could be asked to walk to the shop to get some milk.

Overall, exposure to new situations involving challenges helps build resilience, confidence, resourcefulness, flexibility, and the ability to take intelligent risks.

5. Agency Advantage

Your job as a parent is to make yourself redundant.

Yep, your job is to work your way out of a job. It’s always been the way, and it should always be.

We’re failing badly.

There are many reasons for this, but we’ve forgotten that our crucial task is to build children’s independence from the earliest possible age.

As families have shrunk in size, we’ve taken on many tasks that kids can do for themselves. If you have a neurodiverse child, your task is still to build their independence from the earliest possible age. You may need a more nuanced toolbox, but your goal is the same.

Want to benchmark your independence-building? Check out how you're faring in one of my most popular articles.

Teaching is the best independence-building tool. My modus operandi for teaching goes like this:

• You watch me.

• You help me.

• I’ll help you.

• I’ll watch you.

This method can be applied to anything, from tidying a bedroom to cooking a meal to walking to school on their own.

There you go—five struggles, six tools.

1. Struggle: Not enough time to build relationships. Solution: One-on-one time.

2. Struggle: Continual conflict between siblings. Solutions: Rituals and downtime to bring your family together.

3. Struggle: Poor behaviour. Solution: The Quiet Word.

4. Struggle: Childhood anxiety. Solution: Build independence.

5. Struggle: Building independence. Solution: Teaching skills to build their capacities.

As usual, don’t take on too much change at once. Pick an area of concern ot importance and start from there.

Think about the obstacles you’ll face or the barriers you must overcome to put the solution in place.

Think about the best way to go about using the accompanying tool.

Start small.

Expect resistance.

Plan for it.

Go for it.

Stick at it.

Look for small improvements at first.

Then prepare for exponential improvement as change gains momentum.

Know anyone who is struggling in any of these five areas? It’s easy to share.

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For over thirty years, I’ve worn two hats: one as a parenting educator helping families thrive, and the other as a specialist in student leadership.

For a long time, these felt like two separate conversations.

But today, those worlds have merged.

Developing leadership in kids isn’t a job solely for teachers or coaches—it’s a fundamental part of modern parenting.

The good news 

You don’t need to sign your child up for expensive weekend seminars or “elite” boot camps. Leadership isn’t an extracurricular activity; it’s woven into the very fabric of your daily life.

From the way you handle a messy bedroom to how you debrief after a tough day at school, you are constantly laying bricks. You are the coach; they are the player. 

It helps to develop a leadership mindset as you navigate the “small things” at home.

Leadership is more than a nice idea.

According to research from the University of Illinois, leadership isn’t an innate “gift”.

Rather, it’s a set of skills cultivated through experiential learning—the kind of “learning by doing” that happens every day in a family home.

Their findings show that when you give kids the tools to manage themselves, their pro-social behaviour skyrockets. Their anxiety levels dip. They feel capable and ready for life.

These sound like pretty good parenting outcomes to me.

My leadership work focuses on five building blocks—presentation skills, responsibility, organisation, teamwork and emotional intelligence.

If you’d like to develop your child’s leadership potential using my five building blocks while you're managing their behaviour, developing their character, and teaching them essential success skills, these five ideas are a great place to start.

As a parent encourage your child to:

1. Speak with presence

Presentation Skills are about more than just public speaking. They are a set of skills used to project confidence.

Start by teaching your child to stand with their shoulders back and maintain eye contact. This sends a strong signal to their brains about their self-worth and capability.

Try it at the dinner table. Ask them to describe their day in a clear voice. No mumbling allowed. This builds the “outer shell” of leadership. It ensures their substance is actually heard. Small wins matter. Success leaves clues.

2. Own the results of your choices

Responsibility is the heavyweight among leadership capabilities.

In a world of “it wasn’t my fault,” you want to raise the person who says, “the buck stops here.” This means moving beyond just “doing chores.” It’s about fostering an ownership mindset.

When your child realises their soccer boots didn’t just “disappear” but were left in the park, let them feel that weight. Don’t rush to save them. They need to find the solution.

Responsibility is the bridge between being a passive observer and being in the driver’s seat.

It builds grit.

Ownership changes everything.

3. Map the path to the goal

Organisation is your child’s secret weapon.

They can have all the vision in the world, but if they can’t find their homework, that vision stays stuck in their head. You can teach this by respecting time and space in your daily routine.

Have them plan the steps needed for a weekend project. Or perhaps they handle the grocery list for one meal. This is how you turn a chaotic “maybe” into a structured “done.”

It is the discipline of preparation. It prevents the panic of the last minute.

Structure creates freedom. Simple beats complex.

(An aside: You may notice that boys need this type of assistance more than girls. They require a great deal of patient coaching in personal organisation. The use of visual aids such as charts, posters, and the like makes this easier for boys.)

4. Lift the people around them

Teamwork is where leadership meets the real world.

From a child’s perspective, teamwork is best expressed as developing a sense of ‘we’ rather than ‘me’.

There are many opportunities to reinforce this notion within a family, including

• Kids helping at home without being paid.

• A child helps a sibling who is struggling.

• A child joins a family activity, even when it doesn’t suit.

Helping your child recognise and bring out the best in siblings and peers is teamwork at its finest.

5. Tune into their internal compass

Emotional Intelligence is the final, and perhaps most vital, building block.

If your child cannot lead themselves, they cannot lead anyone else.

Help them label the heat of anger or the fog of sadness. When they pause before reacting, they demonstrate the highest form of intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is the building block that keeps the other four from crumbling when things get tough.

Self-awareness is powerful.

Help your child control the inside first.

Finally……

Raising a young leader isn’t about preparing the path for your child. It’s about preparing your child for the path.

By focusing on these five building blocks in your daily life, you give them a toolkit that works in the classroom, the boardroom, and everywhere in between.

Do you know someone who would benefit from reading this article? If so, it’s easy to share.

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Feeling time-poor?

Got too many things on the go?

Never seem to be able to make time for your partner or kids?

If you nodded your head to any of these questions, then you’re not alone.

Lack of time and competing priorities have long prevented parents from being the kind of parents we all aim to be.

But there’s a solution…..and it’s not Quality Time.

My research into busy working parents revealed four key strategies for building a strong, happy, and healthy family.

Let’s explore these four tools together and discover how you can apply them to your family.

Tool # 1: One-on-One Time

The best way to build relationships with kids is to spend time with them.

I’m not talking about grand gestures such as going to the movies, although, as I’ll mention further on, that has its part.

Rather, the ordinary, everyday interactions you have with kids are key to relationship-building.

In my work with Australian children, I heard repeated stories about the simple times they spend with a parent doing every day stuff.

Getting breakfast.

Playing a game.

Watching a program together online or on TV.

Going for a walk.

It was always the everyday, low or no-cost activities they enjoyed one-on-one with a parent. Not with the whole gang.

Don’t let your partner explain your kids to you

Some parents have relationships with their kids vicariously through their partners- who spend a great deal of their time explaining the kids to them (“You know, Benny had a bad day at school today….”) and vice versa (“Your father is very busy at the moment”).

That’s not how relationships work.

Some parents are permanently separated from their kids due to work or other circumstances, which is incredibly tough.

If this is you, then make the most of the time you are together. Look for opportunities to spend time with each child individually.

Establish personal rituals that link you with each child, even when you’re not around. (More about this below)

Remember middle children

The research shows that eldest children and youngest children receive more one-on-one time with parents than middle children.

You may need to intentionally ask middle children to accompany you to the supermarket, or invite them to play a game with you.

Don’t leave bonding to chance.

Expert tips for One-on-One Time

1. Choose the same place: Recall a place or space where you experience successful connections with your child. You will have one. It may be a chair, a couch or a play space outside. Return to this place when you want to talk or feel at peace with your child.

2. Understand their connection preferences: Dr. Gary Chapman's work on love languages is profound. My three kids prefer to connect in different ways, and understanding this has been a real bonus. One enjoys chatting, another loves doing activities together, and the third responds to acts of service. Aligning with their love languages makes bonding easier.

3. Do things you enjoy with your child: Two reasons for this. First, when you share your passions, things you love or the activities you want, you are more likely to loosen up, relax and show your human side. Second, kids love it when you share something of yourself with them. It builds their sense of belonging and deepens their connection to you.

Tool # 2: Family Rituals

Rituals bind families together.

Without them, families inevitably break down.

Popular Australian Parenting educator Maggie Dent says, “Family rituals are positive, which strengthen the sense of warm connectedness in families. This makes sense, given that the number one biological need for every human is the hunger to belong, and to be accepted, valued and loved.”

So what makes a family ritual?

It’s anything that brings a family together regularly, whether to celebrate something special, such as a birthday, or other celebrations.

Make rituals your own

My family has developed its own set of rituals, including how we celebrate birthdays - yep, they are weird, noisy, with a silly version of the Happy Birthday song, and we also celebrate Christmas and other times of the year.

Regular mealtimes are the most critical ritual your family can have. There’s a high correlation between families that eat together at least five times a week and good mental health in teenagers.

This is presumably because parents can monitor their teens’ mental health more easily in this setting.

So when life is busy and catching up with everyone is hard, it’s the simple family rituals you’ve put in place that pull you all together.

• Your rituals are the super-glue that bonds you together into a tight family unit.

Expert tips for family rituals

1. Establish negotiables and non-negotiables: Work with children to determine which rituals they must attend and which they can miss. This is important for teenagers, whose social and school lives are increasingly busy. For instance, being home for a sibling’s birthday is non-negotiable; however, attending an aunt’s birthday may be negotiable.

2. Be flexible: Adapt your rituals to suit your family’s lifestyle. For instance, for many years I spoke to parents in schools and the community up to three nights a week, which made shared evening mealtimes with my family difficult. Our solution was to “do” mealtimes at breakfast. Slow and leisurely…..to a point…was the go. They were more than a fuel stop, as most breakfasts seem to be.

3. Make sure they happen: One thing stood out in my research into family rituals - they rarely occurred by accident. It usually took a parent—usually a mother—to ensure they happened and that everyone showed up.

Tool # 3: Personal Rituals

What interactions with you do your kids look forward to? Which interactions can they rely on?

Is it a Saturday morning walk? An evening bedtime story? Watching a game of sport together each week?

While one-on-one time is generally random, built on the bedrock of good intentions, personal rituals are set in stone. By their nature, they always happen.

• Kids can rely on them. That’s their magic.

They bring predictability to your relationships. They show you are reliable. They help build their sense of security and safety.

Expert tips for personal rituals

1. Turn routines into rituals: Bedtime routines that include reading to children or singing special bedtime songs or even just lying beside your child do far more than help your child fall asleep. When these routines are repeated, they create neural pathways that enhance loving connection.

As a grandparent, I always made sure I was the one who bathed my grandkids when they were little, as it was the only chance I had to spend time with them alone. I was the ‘bathguy’ whenever they stayed over on visits. (Explanation: two of my kids live a long way from us, so they inevitably stay over on family visits.)

2. Make them special: If one-on-one is grounded in the everyday, personal rituals can be special events. A date with a teenager once a month, an ice cream with a young child each weekend, a special birthday movie once a year - are examples of special rituals that both you and your children will long remember.

3. Create greeting rituals: Welcoming and farewelling rituals for each child is essential. How you welcome and reconnect with children after a day away shows them that you have missed them and still love them.

With young children, leave a kiss on their palm. For others, there are special handshakes and or that oldie (but a goldie) “See you later alligator” to which they naturally reply, “in a while, crocodile.”

Tool # 4: Downtime

Pacific Islander cultures (e.g. Samoan, Tongan, Maori) are renowned for their strong family ties.

One feature they share is spending a great deal of time together, including extended family members. They don’t just gather for celebrations or special events; they go about their everyday lives, enjoying each other’s company.

My research on busy families found that close families in Western countries shared one factor that enabled the type of closeness evident in Pacific Islander families. They enjoyed downtime (also known as Mooch time) together.

Families who enjoyed some downtime together on a regular basis appeared happier and more tolerant of each other. They had closer ties, shared mutual interests and generally enjoyed each other’s company.

Downtime is the period spent together when little is happening. Family members are going about their lives, and interactions feel natural rather than contrived.

Lazy Sundays, easy evenings, do-nothing-much holidays here we come!!!

Expert tips for down-time:

1. Recognise its importance: Doing nothing can seem like a luxury, particularly when there are jobs to be done, or work is calling you. But regular time in the evening or at weekends, where nothing productive seems to be done, is good for your mental health and a boon for family relationships.

2. Guard it: Don’t be afraid to make a call on a child’s second/third organised activity for a day that takes you and/or them away from some downtime. Families in perpetual motion can easily grind to a halt and need someone to keep the guardrails up.

3. Organise it: If all else fails, call time on everyone being off in every direction and organise a family weekend away every so often so people can chill and enjoy each other’s company. The best parenting is intentional rather than accidental when it comes to building strong family bonds in this current era.

Putting It Into Practice

Okay, time get practical and create some change - if that’s what’s needed. Revisit the 4 tools above and answer these three questions:

1. What’s working?

Which of these tools is working for you at the moment? It may help to rank them by effectiveness.

2. What’s not working?

Which tools are either not in place or are not working for you? What are the barriers to success?

3. What will you work on?

Choose one tool to work on. Make it a focus of your attention over the next fortnight. Make a plan to put that tool into action. Plan how to handle any barriers.

Make a start

The most important part of forming a new habit is starting! If you want to start establishing family mealtimes, then start with one a week. Make it non-negotiable.

Start small. Experience success.

Repeat.

Then repeat and expand.

Now get cracking! You’ve important work to do.

Let me know how you went.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments or questions.

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I’ve been thinking about this a great deal lately:

“How can parents build the internal engine that allows their child to function without over-servicing them?”

The answer lies in a fundamental shift in how we view the parenting role.

Is it that of the mechanic who constantly tunes the engine, or the engineer who designs the engine to run on its own?

The mechanic role maintains a culture of Dependency, while the engineer role shifts to a culture of Redundancy.

It is a journey that requires parents to let go of the need to be needed.

Yes, it’s nice to be needed, but more satisfying to see your child develop autonomy and agency over their life.

Here are the five building blocks of the Redundancy Roadmap that will help you build your child’s strong, self-sustaining internal engine:

1. Build capacity through “safe struggle”

Struggle is a dirty word in the age of convenience and quick fixes.

But it’s through friction that real growth occurs.

Your child’s internal engine won’t start if it’s never had to overcome resistance.

Capacity is the emotional grit your child develops when they face a challenge and realise they didn’t break.

Try this: Apply the 10-Second Pause. When your child fumbles, don’t rescue. That silence is the ignition. It’s the moment they realise the solution must come from within them, not from you.

2. Install the “three before me” process

An engine needs a troubleshooting manual.

If your child’s first instinct is to yell for “Mum” or “Dad” the moment a problem arises, they aren’t using their own cognitive fuel.

They are passing their problem to you to own……..and fix.

As I’ve said so often…. “if you want your child to be resourceful, you need to put them in a position to develop their resources.”

That means giving them a chance to solve their own problems- whether social, learning or behavioural.

Try this: Teach them to breathe, brainstorm, and try before they seek a parental “consult.” This process shifts the labour from your shoulders to their brains, building neural pathways for self-sufficiency.

3. Shift to consultant leadership

A parent manager tells kids what to do; a parent consultant asks what the plan is.

To build an internal engine, you will need to stop being the “Command and Control” centre of your family.

That’s not about abrogating your authority.

It’s using a different method- questions and simple cues- to encourage kids to take charge of their own lives and reduce their dependency on you.

Try this: Use Consultant Language. Replace “Don’t forget your bag” with “What’s your plan for being organised for school today?” When you ask the question, you force them to engage their own internal drive.

4. Foster domestic competence

You can’t expect a child to feel powerful in the world if they are powerless in their own home.

True competence is built through contribution.

Yes, kids should help at home without being paid and start to take care of their own daily routines.

Try this: Apply the “Never Do” Rule to household life. If they can make the toast, clear the plate, or sort the laundry, then it’s time to teach them. These aren’t just chores; they are the “maintenance checks” that prove to the child they are a capable, contributing member of the family.

5. Hand over responsibilties one task at a time

Self-sufficiency isn’t a light switch; it’s a dimmer.

To build a reliable internal engine, you have to gradually increase the voltage.

Try this: Identify one area where you are currently “over-servicing”—perhaps it’s managing their homework schedule or their social calendar—and officially hand it over. Then build from there. Give them the Power to fail, to fix it, and eventually, to fly.

Finally……

Building your child's internal engine is a gradual process: one problem, one task and one job at a time. It requires self-discipline to step back so children have room to step up.

When we stop over-servicing, we stop growing fragile children and start raising “can-do” kids.

We also trade the exhaustion of being a 24-hour concierge for the deep satisfaction of seeing children stand on their own two feet.

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Most parenting advice is about how to keep our children close; I want to talk about how to let them go—one micro-habit at a time.

As parents, our greatest success isn’t in what we do for our children, but in what they can eventually do without us.

That means we need to make ourselves redundant (not irrelevant) as early as possible so kids can have agency over their own lives, relationships and emotions.

This is a strategic shift from being a manager who controls to a leader who mentors.

It’s about building the Triple C: Confidence, Competence, and Capacity.

• Confidence: Building self-belief by reducing anxiety and celebrating “glorious failures.”

• Competence: Equipping children with the technical and life skills to act independently.

• Capacity: Strengthening the emotional “muscles” required to navigate struggle and social complexity.

The easiest way to raise “can-do” kids is to follow the Redundancy Roadmap.

To get there, I encourage parents to develop these five essential habits:

1. Practice the “Never Do” Rule to Encourage Self-sufficiency

This is the cornerstone of the Redundancy Roadmap.

It’s simple but difficult to execute: Never do for a child what they can do for themselves.

When we tie the shoes of a child who is capable of doing it, we aren’t being “helpful we are communicating that we don’t trust their competence.

Every time you hold back and let them struggle through a task, you are depositing into their “Confidence” account.

“What are you routinely doing for your child that they can do for themselves?”

2. Use The 10-Second Pause to Build Capacity

When life gets busy, expediency takes over. We often take the path of least resistance.

When a child fumbles for a word, struggles with a zipper, or hits a snag in a sibling game, our instinct is to dive in.

Problem solved. Move on with life.

Well-intentioned, but not doing kids any favours in the long run.

Instead, count to ten.

That ten-second gap is where a child’s Capacity grows.

It gives them the space to think, “I can handle this,” before you offer a scaffold of support.

If you want your child to be resourceful, you need to give them opportunities to develop their own resources. That means stepping back rather than rushing in when difficulties emerge.

3. Point Your Feet to Build Connection

Parenting is about presence, not just verbal commands.

When your child comes to you, stop what you are doing and physically point your feet toward them.

This tiny shift in body language moves the relationship from a transactional “management” exchange to a deep “leadership” connection.

It tells them they are heard, which is the foundational soil where Confidence grows.

This simple skill enables you to listen, guide, mentor, suggest- whatever your child needs.

Giving your child space to solve their own problems is different to emotional distance. Maintaining a strong bond is reassuring when they struggle, so that they know they aren’t alone.

4. Move to “Consultant” Language to Promote Resourcefulness

Do you constantly give orders to your kids?

If so, reduce the number of orders and start asking for plans.

Instead of saying, “Put your coat on, it’s cold,” try asking, “It’s raining outside—what’s your plan for staying dry on the way to soccer?”

By using consultant language, you are handing the “cognitive load” back to the child.

Yes, you're inviting them to solve their own problems and develop vital agency over their own lives.

They tackle their own problems, rather than giving them to you to solve.

Step back from being the manager of their life; step up to the role of mentor, helping them navigate their own way.

5. Use Side-by-Side Communication to Build Emotional Capacity

One of the most difficult parts of family life is talking to kids on a deeper, emotional level.

Much of our language with kids is transactional -” What do you want for dinner? How was your day? Time for bed.”

If you want kids to open up about what they’re thinking and feeling, you need to use specific tools.

One of the best ways to have deeper conversations with kids, especially boys, is to speak with them while they are engaged with you.

Side-by-side. Shoulder-to shoulder. Doing things together.

Wash the car together, go for a walk, or shoot some hoops.

When their hands are busy and their eyes are focused on the activity, their tongues often loosen.

The pressure is off, and the real conversation begins. It’s where you find out what your child thinks and feels.

This simple activity builds their Capacity to articulate their internal world without feeling under a microscope.

It builds their self-knowledge and self-regulation, which are essential to their future success.

The Long Road to Redundancy

Raising “can-do” kids doesn’t happen by accident.

It happens when we intentionally work ourselves out of a job.

It’s about stepping back, so they have the room to step up.

Yes, it’s about becoming redundant as a parent, but not in one step.

It’s a gradual process, one problem, one process and one piece of personal power at a time.

Finally…….

My challenge to you. Pick just one area where you are currently “over-servicing” your child. Maybe it’s making their bed, packing their sports bag, or resolving a recurring argument for them.

Apply the Redundancy Roadmap.

Step back, use the 10-Second Pause, and watch what happens. You might be surprised at just how capable your “can-do” kid actually is when given the space to lead.

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What does it truly take to raise a good man in today’s world?

Shaping a child who is kind, confident, and capable is the ultimate parenting goal.

Raising boys, however, often comes with its own specific challenges—a blend of loud, boundless energy and sometimes maddening unpredictability.

Yet, buried beneath the noise is a crucial need for focused guidance and a strong connection.

The good news?

You don’t need to struggle alone or invent a complex parenting system. I’ve distilled the best advice into 13 simple, research-backed tools.

These strategies are designed to help harness your son’s natural energy, fostering a confident, happy, well-behaved boy who is ready to meet life head-on.

Tool 1: Play Dirty (and Rough).

The notion of roughhouse play has been around for a long time.

Little boys love it - as do many girls.

Roughhouse play - when you’re on the floor in a full-on wrestle with a boy - is more than having fun.

When done safely, roughhouse play teaches boys about boundaries, self-control, and reading social cues.

As Dr Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play in the US, has found, rough-and-tumble play helps boys develop the “social brain” and can be a powerful antidote to aggression.

Expert Tip: Before you start, set a clear boundary. “We’re going to play wrestle, but when I say ‘stop’ you have to stop immediately.” This simple rule teaches him to respect boundaries and control his impulses in the heat of the moment.

Tool 2: Build their Emotional Literacy

”Big Boys don’t cry!”

Oh, please. Yes, they do.

And they should.

Raising an emotionally intelligent boy means teaching him to identify and express his feelings in healthy ways.

Don’t shut down healthy emotions such as tears (when they’re appropriate and not attention-seeking).

Instead, create a safe space for the tears to flow.

Research from the University of Sussex in the UK found that parents who discuss emotions with their sons have children who are more socially competent and empathetic. This involves giving emotions a name, helping them recognise different emotions, and providing them with tools to regulate their feelings.

Take a deep breath, anyone!

This longitudinal study found that boys who can identify and express their feelings are less likely to act out in aggressive ways because they have a healthy alternative for dealing with strong emotions.

Expert Tip: Use a “feeling check-in” at the dinner table. Ask each family member to share one high point and one low point of their day, and name the feeling associated with it. This normalises talking about emotions and provides him with a safe space to share.

Tool 3: Give your Son Real Responsibility

Anyone who has followed my writing would know my strong penchant for assigning chores to boys and girls, without paying them.

This is more than expecting kids to pull their weight - and think “We” not “Me’.

Research from the University of New South Wales in Australia found that chores are essential for a boy’s development.

Their study found that boys who regularly participate in household chores from an early age are more likely to have a stronger sense of social responsibility and agency, which are key predictors of later success. It builds his confidence and a sense of contribution to the family unit.

This, in turn. gives a boy a sense of belonging and purpose.

Expert Tip: Give your son a job that other people rely on. Whether it’s setting the meal table, feeding a pet or taking over the family garbage system as an early teen, these tasks make them feel important and elevate their sense of contribution.

Tool 4: Allow Him to Mess up… and Learn

You may have already discovered that your son is a highly heuristic learner.

That is, he learns many of his prime lessons from experience, whether positive or negative.

You can tell your son all you like not to touch the wet paint, but he’s more than likely to find out for himself.

“Yep, it’s wet. Now my hand is full of wet paint.”

He may do it several times until the lesson sinks in.

When he messes up, don’t rush in to fix it (or roll your eyes). Let him experience the natural consequences of his actions, like forgetting his homework or leaving his lunch box behind.

As Dr. Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessing of a B-Minus, argues, allowing boys to experience setbacks and disappointment is essential for their long-term well-being and happiness. Fixing mistakes, she says, robs a boy of the opportunity to develop grit and resourcefulness.

Expert Tip: When he fails, instead of offering solutions, ask questions. “What do you think you can do about this?”, “How can you fix this?” or “What did you learn from this?” This encourages him to find his own solution to the problem, rather than relying on you.

Tool 5: Expose Him to Positive Role Models

Boys learn how to be male from the men in their lives.

It’s that simple.

This is why having a positive male figure in their life is essential.

As the renowned Australian psychologist Steve Biddulph highlights, there is a “father stage” of boyhood, around ages 6 to 14, when a boy’s father becomes the primary parent in terms of interest and activity.

This relationship provides a blueprint for what it means to be a good man. When a father is absent, a positive male mentor (an uncle, a grandfather, a family friend) can fill this vital role.

A good role model provides a blueprint for healthy masculinity, showing boys how to manage their emotions, relate to others, take care of their well-being, and much more.

The presence of healthy role models has been shown to reduce the incidence of risky behaviours. A longitudinal study from the University of Melbourne in Australia found that a strong, positive male role model is a significant protective factor against dangerous behaviours in boys, including aggression and substance abuse.

Expert Tip: Deliberately expose him to positive male role models. This could be through a sport you both enjoy, a hobby like fishing, or simply spending time with a trusted male family member.

Tool 6: Use Boy-friendly Discipline

Yelling, nagging, and punishments often backfire.

Instead, focus on clear boundaries and positive reinforcement. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, advocates for “connect before you correct.”

His brain research shows that a child is more receptive to a parent’s guidance when they feel understood and connected to them.

This makes him more likely to cooperate and learn from his mistakes.

Expert Tip: When a behaviour needs correction, get down to his level, make eye contact, and speak in a calm voice. A simple phrase like, “I’m going to wait until you are calm to talk about this,” can do wonders.

Tool 7: Encourage Healthy Risk-Taking

Most boys have a natural urge to push boundaries and test limits. Yep, it’s a kid-thing, but it’s more common for boys than girls.

Just watch two seven-year-old boys involved in some free play (that is, free from adult eyes) and eventually they will dare each other to….. well, you can use your imagination on that one.

The point is, boys are prone to pushing each other — and themselves — higher, faster, lower, deeper, and yes, sillier.

Instead of squashing this, channel it into healthy risk-taking.

A 2017 study from the University of Washington found that boys who were allowed to engage in “risky” outdoor play had a lower risk of anxiety and phobias. This is true for both genders.

Nothing new there.

However, the researchers found that boys who engaged in risky outdoor play were also less likely to engage in risk-taking behaviours as teenagers, having learned to assess risk during childhood. That is significant!

Expert Tip: As a boy climbs, don’t hover and shout “be careful!” from below. Instead, offer quiet support. “You can do it. I’m here if you need me.” This tells him you trust his ability and judgment, which builds his confidence.

Tool 8: Practise Patience.

Raising boys requires a deep well of patience.

They can be slow to listen, quick to act, and prone to messy mistakes.

A study from the Max Planck Institute in Germany showed that mothers and fathers who practice patience raise boys who are more emotionally secure and have fewer behavioural problems.

They also don’t raise their eyebrows, inhale or turn away when boys are slow to pick things up, annoy them or just cbs (can’t be stuffed).

They know that their sons have L plates when it comes to learning new things, behaving well and adjusting to new social situations.

A patient parent responds to a boy’s needs rather than reacts emotionally to their behaviour.

And patience, like any habit, takes practice, so you won’t always get things right.

Expert Tip: When your patience is wearing thin, try the “three-second rule.” Before you react, take a deep breath and count to three. This gives your brain time to switch from an emotional response to a thoughtful one.

Tool 9: Practise Shoulder-to-Shoulder Communication

Boys usually communicate differently from girls.

For many boys, communication works better when it’s shoulder-to-shoulder rather than a face-to-face conversation.

It also works better when it’s activity-based.

They might open up while you’re working on a car, throwing a ball, or fishing.

Instead of forcing a chat, look for these moments of “side-by-side” communication. As Dr Michael Gurian, a leading US expert on raising boys, suggests, understanding this communication style is key to building a strong relationship and getting them to open up.

Expert Tip: If you want to have a difficult conversation with your son, don’t sit him down and stare at him. Take him for a drive, go for a walk, or throw a frisbee around. The activity creates a comfortable space for him to talk without feeling put on the spot.

Tool 10: Teach Him to Respect Himself, Others and His Environment

Respect is a big issue at the moment—especially when it comes to boys. It starts with respecting himself, spreading to others and to the environment in which he lives (including his bedroom)

Respect forms the basis of every healthy relationship.

Every relationship.

Boys must learn this at home first. Yes, schools teach it, but parents generally have more currency than teachers when it comes to this vital relationship skill.

Respect is a two-way street.

It’s not about respecting your elders any more. Treat your son with respect, and expect him to treat you with the same respect.

It’s a mutual arrangement.

Expert Tip: Expect your son to use good manners. Manners are respect in action. Good social manners (please, thank you, you’re welcome) are powerful door openers at all levels of society because they epitomise respectful behaviour. Teach them to your son and he’ll go a long way.

Tool 11: Prioritise Physical Activity

Boys need to move. They need to burn off energy.

Also, many boys think better when they move.

Whether it’s sports, hiking, or just running around the yard, physical activity is vital for their physical and mental health.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends at least 60 minutes of moderate-to-vigorous physical activity for children each day.

Research from the University of Copenhagen in Denmark has consistently shown a link between regular physical activity and a reduction in symptoms of ADHD and anxiety, as well as improved cognitive function.

I suspect you know this stuff, but sometimes it’s good to be reminded that your son “should go outside and play.”

Expert Tip: Make it fun, not a chore. Instead of saying “You need to exercise,” say “Let’s see who can run to that tree the fastest!” or “Let’s have a family dance party.”

Tool 12: Create a “No Phone” Zone

As our lives become more digital, it’s crucial to create boundaries around screens and other electronic devices.

I know you’ve heard this before, but screen time limits are essential for boys, as they develop face-to-face social skills more slowly than girls do, which are crucial for success in all areas of life.

Yes, girls’ early brains are geared toward developing social, fine-motor, and verbal skills, while boys’ early brains focus on gross-motor, visual, and spatial abilities.

For girls, social niceties are caught, while for boys they’re often taught.

Expert Tip: Make family dinner a “no phone” zone for everyone, including you. When you put your phone away, you’re not just setting a rule—you’re showing him that he and your family are more important than what’s on your screen.

Bonus Tool 13: Don’t Just Love Him, Like Him.

Tell your boy that your love is unconditional. No matter his mistakes, struggles, or successes, your love remains constant.

More than this, let your son know that you like him. That he is a likable soul. Tell him you enjoy spending time with him. You enjoy his company.

Want to cut straight to your son’s heart?

Tell him you’re proud of him — and why. That will stop him in his tracks, particularly if it comes from his father.

Boys ache for parental approval, so give it to him in words and actions. You don’t need research to tell you that.

Expert Tip: Tell him you love him, but also show him through your actions. Give him a hug when he’s had a tough day, leave a note in his lunch box, and be his biggest cheerleader. These small gestures reinforce that your love is an enduring force in his life.

Finally………….

Raising a boy to be kind, confident, and capable doesn’t require complex strategies—it needs a good heart and a clear mind.

The thirteen tools you’ve just read are not just good ideas; they are research-backed practices that build the foundational skills your son needs: from the emotional regulation taught during roughhouse play to the self-reliance fostered by meaningful responsibility.

Your son is watching and learning, absorbing lessons about emotion, effort, and what it means to be a good person from the role models and environment you provide.

By choosing to step back and let him mess up and learn, to prioritise shoulder-to-shoulder communication over a face-to-face interrogation, and to like him for who he is, you are actively shaping his future success and happiness.

Putting into practice

You don’t have to implement all thirteen tools at once.

To start building a stronger, more connected relationship with your son today, pick one tool from this list—perhaps scheduling ten minutes of safe roughhouse play or implementing a simple feeling check-in at dinner—and commit to practising it for the next week.

Which simple tool will you choose to implement today to make the most significant positive difference in your son’s life?

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One of the most common conversations in family homes nowadays revolves around two big topics: children’s feelings and their screen time.

Managing both is the new parenting tightrope!

You want your kids to be confident, resilient, and ready for the modern world, which means they need to be digitally savvy.

However, you also see that constant digital stimulation can make managing their “big feelings”—or emotional regulation— harder.

The good news is that emotional regulation is a learned skill, not an inherited trait.

That means parents play a significant role in developing their children’s emotional and digital smarts.

In this article, I’ll show you exactly how to kids develop your child’s emotional smarts, especially when screens are involved.

Let’s go.

1. Know the Screen’s Secret Drawcard

Think of screens as the ultimate emotional pacifier.

They’re fast, stimulating, and immediately rewarding. This is why kids often reach for them when they are bored, frustrated, or stressed.

The problem?

When your child uses a screen to avoid a negative feeling, they miss an opportunity to practice dealing with it.

Emotional regulation is like a muscle that gets stronger through use.

If you use a device to soothe every instance of boredom or frustration, that muscle stays weak.

When kids are constantly stimulated or entertained by a device, they’re not engaging those critical brain pathways needed for problem-solving, waiting, or dealing with boredom.

It’s not about screens being “bad,” but about making sure they don’t replace the active practice of managing emotions.

Expert Tool: The “Boredom Box” Strategy 🎁

To help your child manage their emotions without reaching for a screen, try the “Boredom Box” Strategy. Fill a container with engaging, low-pressure activities, such as LEGO, puzzles, or simple craft challenges. When your child feels bored or frustrated, encourage them to pick an item from the box to play with for a set period of time.

2. Teach Your Child to Put the Hand Brake on Emotions

If you’ve ever dealt with a child’s tantrum, you’ll know that once an emotion takes over, it rapidly escalates to the point that it’s almost impossible to rein in.

Kids need to be able to apply a hand brake before the emotional rollercoaster ride gets out of control.

This is where you take up the role of emotion coach, giving your child the tools they need to put the brakes on emotions that can overwhelm them, such as anger, fear and annoyance.

Here’s how:

• Be a Detective: Emotional self-control starts with self-awareness. When your child is upset—perhaps after losing a game—help them identify the physical feeling. “I can see your hands are balled up and your face is red. That tells me you must be feeling incredibly frustrated right now.”

• Empathise, Don’t Fix: Validate the feeling first. “It is really annoying when you put so much effort into a game and then lose.” Then, gently shift to problem-solving.

• Introduce Tools: Instead of letting them dive straight back into the screen (and the frustration), teach them a calm-down technique. This might be:

  • Deep Belly Breaths: Teach them to breathe in for three seconds, hold for one second, and breathe out for five seconds. Deep breathing is the quickest way to calm their amygdala (the brain’s panic button).

  • Movement: A short burst of activity releases those ‘feel-good’ endorphins. Suggest they jump on the trampoline or kick a ball outside for five minutes before trying the game again.

Expert Tool: The “Emotion Meter” Tool 🌡️

Use the “Emotion Meter” (a visual scale from 1/calm to 5/furious) to help your child recognise feelings before they escalate. When frustrated, ask, “Where are you on the meter?” If they land in the Yellow Zone (3 or 4), validate their feelings and prompt them to choose a coping tool (such as deep breaths or movement). This simple, visual strategy empowers them to take control and select calm before hitting the Red Zone.

3. Craft a Balanced Digital Day

The battle over screen time often happens because the rules aren’t clear, or the limits are sprung on children without warning. The Australian 24-hour movement guidelines are an excellent guide, suggesting we balance screen time with plenty of physical activity, creative play, and downtime.

• Plan Together: Involve your children in creating a “digital day” plan. When will screens be used? For how long? What activities need to happen before screen time (e.g., homework, outdoor play)? When children have a say, they’re more likely to buy in.

• Be Present with Screens: Instead of just handing over a device, sometimes engage with them. Watch a show together, play a game, or talk about what they’re seeing. This “co-participation” turns screen time into a connecting opportunity, helping you guide them through content.

• Screen-Free Zones/Times: Consider establishing screen-free mealtimes, bedrooms, or certain hours before bed. This provides natural breaks and encourages other forms of connection and relaxation.

Expert tool: The “Green Time First” Rule 🌱

To ensure digital interaction doesn’t completely overwhelm physical activity, implement the “Green Time First” Rule. This means outdoor play or physical activity must be completed before any recreational screen time begins. This simple, non-negotiable routine ensures your child’s body gets the movement and natural brain stimulation it needs to regulate stress hormones and maintain focus.

4. Cultivate the Inner ‘Off Switch’ (Agency)

Ultimately, we want children to develop their own internal ‘off switch’ and to be responsible digital citizens.

Your aim isn’t to control their screen use forever, but to help them control it themselves.

This is building agency—the feeling that they are in charge of their own choices and emotions. These two tools will help:

• The Power of Choice: Give them control over when they finish. Instead of saying, “Stop now!” say, “You have 10 minutes left. Do you want a 5-minute warning or a 2-minute warning?” This simple choice respects their autonomy and encourages them to take ownership of the end time.

• Encourage Independent Breaks: When you see them getting heated or frustrated while playing, challenge them to manage their emotions independently. “I can see that the game is making you angry. What’s your calm-down strategy going to be?” When they choose to walk away and take a break on their own, be sure to praise the self-control they demonstrated.

Expert Tool: The “Stoplight” 🚦

To build your child’s inner ‘off switch’, use the “Stoplight” when setting screen rules. Ask your child to define what Green means (when screen time is okay), Yellow (warning signs that a break is needed), and Red (the voluntary action they will take when feeling out of control, like putting the device away). By having them pre-define their own boundaries and actions, you empower them to manage their own impulses, shifting accountability from you to them.

Finally…..

Raising emotionally intelligent, resilient kids is a fantastic challenge.

By being an effective emotion coach—teaching your child to name, understand, and manage their feelings—and setting clear, thoughtful boundaries around digital devices, you are actively equipping them with the vital life skills they need to thrive.

These skills extend beyond mere discipline; they foster self-awareness, agency, and internal regulation, enabling your children to navigate the inevitable challenges of frustration, boredom, and stress.

Ultimately, you are fostering the capacity for them to put their own “hand brake” on impulsive reactions and make positive choices, creating a foundation that allows them to flourish both online and off.

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More On Raising Savvy Digital Citizens

Do you have a question about fostering savvy digital citizens that you’d like answered? Do you have a comment or query you’d like to share with me?

This masterclass article is the third in the six-session Special Series -How To Build A Strong, Resilient Family (Especially When You're busy).

Catch the previous two sessions.

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Strong families thrive on……..good feelings.

That doesn’t mean that such families are devoid of conflict or criticism, but that they are generally pleasant environments to be part of.

One way to boost positive feelings in your family is to increase the number of compliments kids hear at home.

As a general rule, the ratio of compliments to criticism should be around five to one. That is, there should be five times more positive, affirming comments than negative comments.

In unhealthy families, this ratio is often reversed. Five negative comments for every one positive comment makes for a pretty toxic environment.

How does your family rate on this scale?

If you think about how your family might rate on this scale, be careful about how much weight you put on your children’s comments, especially to each other.

Siblings can be unkind to each other, struggling to share a kind word, which can significantly skew the positive-to-negative ratio (and sometimes make family life quite awful for everyone).

However, this can change over time.

That’s why building a positive family atmosphere is so important. It’s building good feelings on steroids.

Here are Six Tools to build a fabulous atmosphere in your family:

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1. Increase your number of affirmations and compliments.

Affirmations, along with affectionate phrases and kind remarks, will begin to shift the negative balance to the positive.

Aim for a seven-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions.

Not only is this good modelling for your kids, but it will also make family life more harmonious by creating a more supportive and encouraging atmosphere.

This isn't about ignoring problems; it's about making sure that the good stuff far outweighs the bad.

2. Keep a check on your use of ‘good feeling killers’ (and self-esteem killers).

Avoid comments like, “Typical boy!” “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a 1,000 times, don’t…” or “What a stupid thing to say to your brother/sister!”

Bite your tongue.

If you catch yourself thinking a criticism, keep it to yourself. This kind of negative framing can be incredibly damaging to a child's self-worth and creates unnecessary friction within the family.

Instead, take a moment to rephrase your thoughts into constructive feedback or, if it's not a big deal, let it go completely.

3. Make kids aware of their language.

Remind kids of the potential harm to self-esteem, not to mention family harmony, that constant criticism can cause. Use ‘I’ statements to let kids understand the impact their negative talk has on you.

For example, you could say, "When you talk so aggressively, I feel quite scared about what you are going to do next." This approach makes it clear that their words have real consequences for others' feelings.

Kids can't disagree with 'I' statements because you're simply sharing your own feelings, not making a judgment about them.

This helps them learn empathy and gives them a clear path to changing their behaviour without feeling attacked.

4. Make it a habit to follow a negative with a positive.

When I was teaching, I always tried to follow a student's discipline with a compliment or some positive feedback so that we could maintain a good relationship.

It’s a way of showing that while you might disapprove of a specific behaviour, you still value and respect the individual.

Do the same in your family. Follow discipline, a rebuke, or a negative comment with a positive act or comment.

Then, teach your kids to do the same! This approach helps keep communication open and reinforces that your love and support are unconditional, even when you're correcting a mistake.

5. Let the bad feelings out.

Sometimes, there can be such a build-up of ill will between siblings that you need to find a way for them to let the bad feelings out.

One way to do this is to let a child vent to you about their sibling.

This needs to be done in a safe environment, with you guiding the way.

“What would you like to say to me about your brother?”

“I hate him. He’s always picking on me. He’s a +&%%$ !”

Be warned that you might not like what you hear, but clearing the air can do wonders for improving the family atmosphere.

6. The family that plays together…..

While it may sound a bit cliché, the old saying "the family that plays together stays together" holds a surprising amount of truth.

As a family and parenting educator, I've seen firsthand how shared activities and playtime can strengthen family bonds.

When you play together, you're not just having fun; you're creating a shared history of positive experiences.

These moments build emotional capital, which you can draw on during more challenging times.

Play is also a fantastic way for parents to connect with their kids on their level, to see their personalities shine, and just to enjoy being with them without the pressure of discipline or daily chores.

It's in these moments of shared laughter and low-stakes collaboration that families really become a team.

Playing together fosters a sense of belonging and teaches kids that they're a valued part of something bigger than themselves. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

Finally….

Building a family environment where everyone feels loved and valued isn't about eliminating all negative feelings.

It's about ensuring the good stuff vastly outweighs the bad. By actively working on the ratio of positive to negative interactions, you can create a family atmosphere that is not only pleasant but also incredibly resilient.

Think of it as building an emotional bank account.

Each compliment, each shared laugh, and each moment of connection is a deposit. When challenging times or disagreements arise, you'll have a healthy balance to draw from.

Put These Ideas into Practice

The tools you've just read about aren't just theories; they're actionable strategies you can implement right away.

Start small—maybe with the seven-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions.

Notice the comments you make to your children and see if you can increase the number of affirmations.

Catch yourself before you say a "good feeling killer" and rephrase it into something more constructive.

Even small changes can have a huge impact.

By being intentional about the atmosphere you're creating, you're investing in your family's long-term health and happiness. What's one tool you can start using today to build a more positive and loving home?

Do you know someone who’d benefit from reading this masterclass article? It’s easy to share.

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Want your child to grow into confident, capable, independent adults?

Silly question.

Of course. That’s what every parent hopes.

However, developing capable (confident) kids is one of the biggest parenting conundrums of the lot.

It’s so easy to go down the simplistic praise/encouragement path, where you repeat “You’re so clever!” like a nervous tic every time a child gets out of bed/cleans their teeth/makes a sandwich, to build self-esteem.

The praise path is as helpful as a bucket full of holes in developing your child’s independence and confidence!!

Alternatively, you can try the minimalist parenting approach (laissez-faire), and do very little for your child in the hope that they will naturally develop the skills to care for themselves. That’s a recipe for neglect, so let’s pass on that approach.

High Agency is Key

A key ingredient in your child’s journey to confidence and independence is developing high agency – the ability to take initiative, make choices, and act on them.

High agency enables children to navigate challenges, pursue their goals, and shape their own lives.

By empowering your children, you are laying the foundation for their future success and well-being.

What is High Agency?

In simple terms, agency is the feeling of control over your actions and their consequences.

A child with high agency believes that:

• Their efforts matter

• They can influence their environment

• They have the power to create positive change.

As babies and young children grow and develop a sense of agency in early childhood, they realise that they can contribute to, make their own decisions, and control their own lives.

Why is High Agency Essential?

There are many benefits to developing high agency in your child, best summed up by these five reasons. High agency:

1. Boosts Confidence

Children who see that their actions lead to results develop a strong sense of self-efficacy and confidence.

2. Encourages Resilience

Children with high agency are better equipped to bounce back from setbacks. They view challenges as opportunities for growth, not as insurmountable obstacles.

3. Fosters Independence

Agency is the foundation of independence. It enables children to take responsibility for themselves, make sound decisions, and solve problems creatively.

4. Motivates Learning

When children feel in control, they are more likely to be engaged and motivated learners. They exhibit curiosity, proactivity, and a willingness to take learning risks.

5. Promotes Well-being

High agency is linked to greater happiness and life satisfaction. Children who feel empowered are less prone to anxiety and depression.

How to Develop High Agency in Your Child

Developing high agency is a long-term approach that requires a combination of many strategies and ideas. A cultural perspective must also be considered, as some cultures use tools that naturally promote higher agency than others.

Significantly, developing your child’s agency is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and a genuine belief in a child's capacity for growth, wherever they are developmentally and whatever challenges they may face.

Here are ten research-backed tools that, when consistently and intelligently applied, will help your kids develop high agency.

1. Offer Choices

Start early by giving your child choices appropriate for their age. This could be as simple as choosing their clothes, selecting a book to read, or deciding what to have for a snack.

Expert tip: Give them a choice between two or three options, rather than open decisions, which can be overwhelming for them and impossible for you to deliver on.

2. Encourage Problem-Solving

Resist the urge to immediately fix your child's problems. Instead, guide them through the process of identifying the issue, brainstorming solutions, and evaluating the outcomes. For example, if a school lunch is left at home, that’s a problem your child can solve.

3. Support Their Interests

Help your child explore their passions and talents. Provide resources, encouragement, and opportunities for them to pursue their interests. Don’t become over-invested in their success and ensure that they follow their interests, not yours, which is a high agency killer.

4. Encourage Play

Play is a crucial way for young children to explore, experiment, and make sense of the world, promoting agency. Offer open-ended materials and imaginative play opportunities to empower children to take control of their learning experiences

5. Assign Responsibilities

Give your child age-appropriate chores and tasks. This helps them develop a sense of competence and contribution. Start early. Get them helping you, then gradually give over responsibilities to them.

Aside: Now sure where to start? Check out the post Parenting Alert: 20 Jobs to ditch before your child reaches double digits.

6. Focus on Effort, Not Just Outcome

Regardless of the final result, focus on acknowledging your child's hard work, persistence, and creativity. This teaches them that results are due to effort rather than talent or innate abilities.

7. Allow for Mistakes

Create a safe space for your child to make mistakes and learn from them. Help them understand that failure is a part of growth.

8. Foster Independence

Gradually increase your child's autonomy as they mature. Allow them to make more decisions for themselves and take on greater responsibilities.

Expert tip: When children ask to do new things, such as walk to school independently, look for ways to make them happen safely. Asking and pushing boundaries are signs that children are ready for greater independence.

9. Model Agency

Demonstrate high agency in your own life. Show your child how you set goals, overcome challenges, and take initiative. Talk to them about why you do some of the things you do - e.g make lunches the night before school- so children understand the thinking behind agency.

10. Teach Process Thinking

Everything worth pursuing in life has numerous steps, which makes process thinking a learning essential. Examples of simple processes include:

• Setting up a tent (rather than staying in a holiday house).

• Cooking a meal (rather than heating a pizza in the microwave).

• Growing vegetables is a process (rather than buying them at the supermarket).

Invite your child to watch/help you get breakfast, make a shopping list, or paint their bedroom so they can experience process thinking at close quarters and learn that everything worthwhile takes effort and several steps to achieve.

Finally………

Developing high agency is harder now than it was in the past when families were bigger, labour-saving devices were rare, and communities were closer (and felt more child-friendly). Kids were expected to help at home, and they had greater freedom to develop autonomy within their neighbourhoods.

Now you must be conscious of implementing strategies that promote agency in your children.

But it’s not as difficult as it may seem.

By providing your child with opportunities to make choices, solve problems, and take responsibility, you are equipping them with the essential skills and mindset they need to thrive in all areas of their lives.

In the long run, that’s a huge pay-off for your children.

Do you know someone who’d benefit from reading this post? If so, please share this positive parenting message.

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Parenting Toolbox Quiz

Put your parenting knowledge to the test with these multiple-choice questions. Let’s go:

1. Which of the following is a key indicator that your child may be struggling with their mental health?

   a) Occasional sadness or irritability.

   b) A significant and persistent change in mood, behaviour or sleep patterns.

   c) Expressing worries about school performance.

   d) Preferring to spend time alone sometimes.

2. Which of these sentences fosters a growth mindset in your child?

   a) “You’re so smart!”

   b) “That’s easy for you!”

   c) “I’m impressed by how much effort you put in.”

   d) Not everyone is good at everything.”

3. Research on family size and child development suggests:

   a) Children in larger families always have better social skills.

   b) Only children are always more independent and achievement-oriented.

   c) Family dynamics and parenting styles have a greater impact on child development than family size alone.

   d) Smaller families always provide more individual attention.

Answers

1. b) A significant and persistent change in mood, behaviour or sleep patterns.

2. c) “I’m impressed by how much effort you put in.”

3. c) Family dynamics and parenting styles have a greater impact on child development than family size alone.

Want to delve deeper?

Each question relates information and tools in one of our Parenting Toolboxes. For more information about:

Question 1: Check out the Wellbeing Toolbox.

Question 2: Take a look at the Better Parenting Toolbox

Question 3: Find more information at Siblings & Birth Order Toolbox

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Most parents want their children to become independent. But so often we do too much for them because of expediency.

We have good intentions, life gets in the way, and doing a job yourself is easier. After all, this way, you can avoid an argument and ensure that the job is done well, right?

As a teenager told her father when he asked for help, “You’ve done pretty well without my help until now. Why do you suddenly want me to help now that I’m fourteen?”

Yikes!

But Ms 14-year-old has a point.

The key to independence-building in kids is to start young with small tasks and build from there.

Where to start?

In the spirit of building autonomy, here are twenty tasks that children could and should do for themselves by age ten.

20 jobs kids should do before they turn 10.

1. Get themselves up in the morning using an alarm.

2. Pack their own school bag each morning.

3. Make telephone calls about simple requests, such as asking if a store has an item in stock.

4. Look after the rubbish, including putting bins outside, emptying rubbish and recycling.

5. Prepare healthy snacks before, during and after school.

6. Make their own breakfast.

7. Cook one evening meal a week.

8. Walk to the shops on their own.

9. Tidy their own bedroom and make their bed.

10. Clean their part of the house, including tidying, sweeping and vacuuming.

11. Keep clothes and shoes clean including using a washing machine and an iron. At the very least, put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

12. Care for personal items such as toys, technology, sports and leisure equipment.

13. Take messages to school, including delivering excursion notes and other important messages to the front office.

14. Take responsibility for personal hygiene, such as brushing teeth, bathing, and keeping their face and hands clean.

15. Feed and look after pets on a regular basis.

16. Pack and unpack the family dishwasher or, alternatively, wash and dry the dishes by hand.

17. Prepare the weekly family chores roster.

18. Choose clothing each day within suitable limits.

19. Make their own in-store purchases and shop for some personal items.

20. Manage their own simple expenditures such as lunch money, entertainment expenses and personal items.

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So far so good?

Okay, so how are you looking?

I suspect that this may vary for different children. Birth order, parenting strategies, and other factors play a role.

If ten is a fair way off for your children; I suggest you work toward it by creating junior versions of each task above. Adopt a similar approach if your child is neuro-diverse or has special challenges.

Your aim as a parent is to make yourself redundant at the earliest possible age.

The best place to start this process is at home. Learning to do things for themselves provides kids with agency and tremendous satisfaction.

More importantly, it prepares children for the autonomy needed to thrive when you’re not with them.

PS: Keep this list handy so you can refer to it often.

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Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

We’ve all received personal advice that makes us jump through hoops before we see any benefits.

Get at up at 5.00am and run 10 kilometres to get fit. Fast two days a week to lose weight.

Take your children on a two-week holiday to build better bonds. So much hard work to implement.

The Japanese concept of Kaizen states that small habits are easy to do as they require no willpower.

In time, they become a natural part of what you do, and you’re performing better, in this case parenting better, before you know it.

Following are five micro-habits that will impact positively your relationship with your child. You are encouraged to create your own micro-habits, but this list will get you started.

1. Greet your child with a smile every day

“Make a good first impression as first impressions count.” There’s incredible wisdom in this saying as your first interaction with someone will set the tone for all the interactions that follow. 

Make your first interaction with your child each day a happy, positive one by greeting them with a smile.

Make your eyes light up and not only will you put yourself in a good mood, but you’ll establish an atmosphere of warmth for your child at the start of the day.

2. Point your feet toward your child when they have something important to tell you

Next time you are standing with someone at a party, social or networking event, glance down to see where their feet are pointing.

If they are pointed your way, then you have their full attention.

If they are pointed elsewhere, then you’d better talk quickly as they’ll soon be heading in the direction that their feet are pointing.

This principle applies doubly to family life. When you know your child has something to say, point your feet toward them and they’ll know that you’re giving them your full attention. If you are sitting and can’t swing your toes around, point your nose in their direction to achieve the same result.

3. When your child is upset, acknowledge their feelings first

When a child is annoyed, angry, or visibly upset, focus on their feelings before their behaviour. Often, we parent down heavily on behaviour (“Stop that yelling!” “Sit down before you hurt someone.” “That’s an outside noise.”) as we are programmed to control or bring order to a situation.

This focus is often ineffective as it’s meeting our needs rather than the immediate needs of the child.

When we focus on feelings first, the behaviour will often improve because you’re meeting a child’s needs, or they finally feel understood. “I can see you’re angry at the moment.” “You seem very excited.” “I get it that your annoyed.”

4. Refer to good and bad behaviour as a choice

The advocates of respectful relationships rightfully say that all behaviours are a matter of choice, and aren’t driven by others, the environment or substance abuse. (There’s a caveat here for people experiencing severe mental health disorders where choice for many is not a sound option.)

Parents can reinforce the idea of choice by consistently referring to a child’s positive or negative behaviour as a choice.

“Good choice, sharing your toys with your brother.” “You could make a better choice and come home on time when your visit a friend.”

5. Look away and breathe when you want to yell

We’ve all experienced it.

You’re at the end of your tether and you ask your child to clean up/help out/stop annoying a sibling and they flat out refuse. Before you know it, you’ve given your child some parenting advice that doesn’t come from any parenting books, only to regret it a few minutes later. Yes, you’ve just turned into a child yourself.

When you are about to get upset with your child step back, look away (taking your senses away from the source of stress) take three or four deep belly breaths through your nose before you speak.

These small steps will instantly relax, and help you think from your pre-frontal cortex (the thinking part of the brain), rather than the reactive lizard brain, which is responsible for the fight/flight response. The key is to practise this micro-habit in low or no stress situations, so it becomes automatic when you’re under stress.

The last word...or two.

Behaviours become habits become patterns. You practise a behaviour once and it’s just that – a behaviour.

Practise it repeatedly and it becomes a habit, which can easily be broken. Keep the habit up for long enough and it becomes a pattern that becomes an entrenched part of the way that you parent.

Better parenting, one micro-habit at a time.