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The natural instinct for most parents is to curate children’s lives.

That is, smooth their path, clear the hurdles, and do everything for them, ensuring they don’t experience hardship and difficulty.

The common thinking behind this parenting style is that by protecting and over-serving kids, we preserve their confidence and self-esteem.

But the opposite is true.

Fortunately, there is an effective, evidence-based way to build child confidence regardless of the circumstances.

The shift involves moving away from external protection and overdoing it for kids, and focusing on building a deep, internal sense of belonging.

Focus on Belonging through Contribution

Alfred Adler, a key founder of modern psychology, argued that a child’s confidence isn’t rooted in being told they’re special, but in feeling useful.

When a child feels they truly belong to a group—whether it’s a family, a classroom, or a sports team—they develop a strong psychological safety net.

And how to create a strong sense of belonging?

As Adler said, belonging is best cultivated through contribution, which is the essence of lasting confidence and happiness.

When you give children real responsibilities, you send a powerful message: “I need you. You have something of value to offer.”

And how they belong in their families sets the pattern for how they belong in all their various groups throughout their lives.

Three Practical Ways to Build Confidence

Parenting shelves bulge with tomes about building confidence in children.

I'll save you some reading time.

Here are, hands down, the three best principles for building lasting confidence in kids.

1. Never do for a child what a child is capable of doing for themselves

Do you do the ordinary things of life for children that they can do for themselves? (Get their breakfast? Get them out of bed? Unpack their school bags each day?)

It’s easy to fall for the trap of doing things for children that they can do for themselves.

Let’s face it, it’s often simpler, faster and less challenging to do things for kids - especially when you’re time-poor, and your kids drag their feet.

Every time we over-service a child, we inadvertently whisper that they are incapable.

Start stepping back.

Let them manage their own morning routine or pack their own bag.

The message should be: “I’m here if you’re stuck, but I know you’ve got this.”

2. Expect kids to contribute without being paid

Here’s a question I ask every child I work with. “What do you do in your family that someone else relies on?”

Unfortunately, this question is often met with a shrug.

If your child would answer this question with a similar shrug, perhaps it’s time to involve them in the household business and shift some responsibility their way.

Whether it’s help with meal planning, gardening, or basic maintenance, these acts of service create a sense of ownership.

And yes, that extends to chores. It’s their family, not just yours, so let them belong by making a regular contribution that matters.

And chores matter.

3. Let your kids experience HFDs-hardships, frustrations and difficulties.

In a perfect world, your child will navigate friendships with ease, win every game they play and handle homework with aplomb.

But… the world doesn’t work that way.

At least, not the world you and I inhabit.

The best way I know to prepare kids for the real world, where hardship, frustration and difficulty live, is to build their resourcefulness and adaptability.

This moves the child from a victim state to a state of agency- a state when they have some control over their own lives.

It reinforces the idea that while they can’t control what happens to them, they have total control over how they respond.

Finally….

Confidence isn’t a personality trait; it’s a muscle developed through use.

When a child feels a true sense of belonging, they don’t just survive setbacks—they learn from them.

Their confidence is supported by their competence, providing them with a lasting sense of control over their lives.

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Rules are meant to be broken.

Especially by parents.

Stick to routines.

Yes, but there are times when it’s good to shake things up for a day or two. School holidays, long weekends and busy periods call for a break from the daily routine.

Be consistent with boundaries.

Yes, but developmental transition stages (e.g. child to teen) often require some give-and-take with the limits we set.

Expect kids to do chores.

You bet, but there are times, such as when a child’s life is super stressful, when a temporary reprieve from chores is a much-appreciated circuit-breaker.

Kids aren’t robots, and neither are you.

There are times when your usual way of doing things goes out the window.

But there is one rule that’s not for breaking. Do as you say you will.

What Does It Mean to “Do As You Say You Will”?

Do as you say you will is the bedrock of firm, kind, reliable parenting.

It is the bridge between your words and your actions.

Whether you offer a reward for a job well done or establish a logical consequence for misbehaviour—you must see it to completion.

It is not about being rigid or harsh; it is about being predictable.

When you say something, it must be true. 

Doing as you say you will is not only about credibility; it’s the basis of the most important element in any relationship - trust.

The Heat of the Moment Caveat

There’s one exception.

Your child is pushing every button you have, and in a flash of frustration, you blurt out something ridiculous: “If you don’t behave right now, I’m cancelling Christmas for you this year!”

You don’t mean it. You can’t do it, and you know it.

If you force yourself to “do as you say you will” in response to an outlandish threat, you end up being cruel or irrational, which damages your relationship.

When you do slip up, own it immediately: “I said that because I was angry, and it wasn’t a fair thing to say. What I am actually going to do is [state a reasonable, enforceable consequence].”

This shows your child that you are human, but also that you are a person of integrity who corrects their own mistakes.

Why You Should Never Break It

When you fail to do as you say you will, you inadvertently teach your child that your words are negotiable.

If a child realises that a “no” today might turn into a “yes” tomorrow if they push hard enough, they lose their sense of security. It’s also an invitation for young bush lawyers to step up to the plate and start doing a deal with you.

“If I have to miss tomorrow’s game, then it’s only fair that I get to watch two games next week.”

No, it’s not!

Life then becomes even messier for parents.

It doesn’t foster agency (your ultimate goal); it fosters manipulation and uncertainty.

By failing to stick to your word, you are creating a power struggle where one shouldn’t exist.

Doing As You Say You Will Has Many Benefits.

When you commit to doing as you say you will, you provide your child with a stable map to follow.

Following through is essential for your child’s healthy development because it:

1. Builds Trust

Integrity is the foundation of every relationship.

When your child knows that you mean exactly what you say, they learn to trust your guidance.

They don’t have to wonder if they can “talk you out of it.”

2. Encourages Responsibility

Children who understand that actions have consistent, predictable consequences learn to take ownership of their choices.

They stop blaming others (including you) and start to understand cause and effect.

Importantly, they learn through experience (as most boys do) that actions have consequences.

3. Reduces Emotional Volatility (better known as meltdowns)

Knowing exactly what to expect calms a child’s nervous system.

When the rules are consistent, they don’t waste their energy testing you.

Instead, they can use their energy to learn, play, and develop their own character.

4. Models Integrity

We often underestimate the long-term impact of conscious modelling, which is one of my favourite parenting tools.

It’s how kids learn about character and values.

By modelling the idea that your word is a commitment, you teach your child an important lesson in personal accountability and reliability.

Finally

You can be flexible with your schedule, show grace with chores, and change your mind about the small stuff.

But your word is ironclad.

That is the one rule that ensures your children feel safe enough to grow, confident enough to challenge themselves, and respected enough to eventually lead themselves.

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Exciting Changes Coming to Our Schools Program

To our valued principals and teachers:

Thank you for your interest in sharing my content with your school communities. While opportunities for this year are currently at capacity, I am busy behind the scenes refining our program to make your experience even better.

What’s coming in 2027: I’m thrilled to be launching an enhanced platform that provides you with greater flexibility. You’ll have access to:

• Ready-to-use formats: PDFs, Word documents, and accompanying images.

• Seamless digital sharing: Continued support for your online newsletters.

This revamped program will be limited to ensure quality, so you’ll want to secure your spot early.

Be the First to Know

I’ll be officially launching the 2027 Schools Program later this year. If you’d like to be on the priority list, please message me with your contact details below, and I will ensure you receive updates as soon as they drop!

Parents, like kids, experience peer pressure.

We’re always scouring the parenting landscape, looking for trends, ideas and yes, how other people raise their kids.

This is part benchmarking, making sure we’re on track and on trend, and part reassurance, looking for kids who are less assured (and worse behaved) than our own. “Phew! At least I’m doing better than that family!"

Parental peer pressure drives performative parenting- a current trend- where our prestige as parents is dependent on how we appear in the eyes of others.

It’s where hard paren ting decisions are shelved for fear of being seen as too strict, too firm, or too permissive by other parents.

Every decision seems to need explaining and justifying, leading to a drop in parental confidence in being the wise, firm family leaders kids need.

Social media adds fuel to the performative parenting pyre.

The result isn’t more confident children. It’s led to a generation of exhausted parents and anxious kids.

Let’s be clear.

Children don’t want to be in charge, although they want to feel in control of their environment and the events around them.

Don’t confuse the two.

When a ten-year-old realises they can negotiate their way out of a bedtime or talk a parent out of a consequence, they don’t feel powerful—they feel unsafe.

If the adults in a child’s life can be swayed by a tantrum or a clever argument, who is actually keeping their world steady?

It’s time for a parenting reset.

1. Lead with your presence, not your voice

Many parents talk too much to their kids, either at the point of misbehaviour or when they want cooperation.

If you can relate to this, then consider talking less when cooperation is needed.

Don’t explain the "why" for twenty minutes, hoping for buy-in from a frustrated child.

True family leadership is generally quiet.

It’s a calm presence that says, “I’ve got this, and I’m not moved by your big emotions.”

When you stop over-explaining, you stop inviting a debate. You aren’t a lawyer presenting a case; you are a parent setting a standard.

Try this: Next time things get heated, say less. Stand tall, keep your voice low, and let your physical calm be the boundary.

2. Differentiate between needs and wants

It’s tempting to treat a child’s want (to stay up late, to have another snack, to avoid a chore) with the same urgency as a need.

If you do this, you lose your authority.

A leader’s job is to meet a child’s needs (safety, love, structure) while frequently disappointing their wants.

Yes, you may become unpopular in the short-term, but that is part of the parent-as-wise leader game.

Wear it. Your child will move on, so will you.

Try this: Acknowledge the feeling, but hold the line. “I know you want to keep playing, but the answer is no. It’s time for a bath.” No further justification required.

3. The power of a firm No

Is the word "No" a starting point for negotiation in your family?

Is it a “No, unless you cry loud enough” or “No, unless you give me a good reason?”

Hopefully No in your family is a complete sentence, not requiring a footnote or an apology.

When you give a firm No, your child learns that the boundary is firm, not elastic. This lowers the child’s stress because they no longer waste energy trying to find a loophole.

Try this: Practice saying No without adding “Sorry, but... “or “Maybe later.” Just No.

4. Build relational capital

Kids are more likely to accept firm leadership when your relationship with them is strong.

Distant parents usually meet constant resistance when they try to set boundaries.

Parents who adopt a leadership mindset build relationships with their kids through shared activity and one-on-one time when things are going well.

They proactively find pockets of enjoyable time—five minutes of playing a game, a joke shared in the car, or a quiet moment before bed.

When your relational bank account is full, your child is far more likely to follow your lead when the hard boundaries come down.

Try this: Aim for five positive interactions for every one correction.

5. Trade ‘gentle’ for ‘kind and firm’

There is a misconception that being a leader means being tough.

So, many parents have swung over to being gentle, which often ends up being permissive (a do as you want parenting style).

The parenting sweet spot is being kind and firm simultaneously.

Try this: Stop trying to make them happy with your decisions. Your job is to be their leader, not their constant cheerleader.

Finally

Leadership is a muscle.

If you haven’t used it in a while, it will feel heavy and awkward at first. Your children might even protest the change in the status quo. They may argue even more at first, or worse, do things at their own pace, not yours.

That’s okay. They’re testing you out to see if you really mean what you say.

Stay the course.

When you reclaim your role as the firm leader, you give your children the freedom to just be a kid, knowing that someone much more experienced is at the helm.

And it also gives them someone to blame when things don’t go to plan!!!!

But that’s a leadership story for another day.

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Ten-year-old Leo hasn’t been himself lately.

He used to be the first one at the front gate for basketball practice, and he was always considered resilient, possessing healthy social-emotional skills.

But lately he’d taken to lingering in his bedroom, moody and sullen, as if carrying an invisible weight. When his mother asks what is wrong, he shrugs and stares at the floor.

Modern family life is fast-paced, and it is easy to miss the subtle signs of anxiety in children when they are struggling emotionally. If you can spot the ripples early, you can prevent them from becoming waves.

Five mental health red flags to look out for

While all children experience ups and downs, recognising when these shifts become persistent is a vital step in supporting their wellbeing.

Below are five common red flags to monitor, each paired with an expert tip to help you navigate these moments with confidence and care.

1. Persistent changes in mood

A persistent, flat, or moody temperament is often the first sign that a child’s emotional tank is running low.

For instance, you might notice a child who once lived for their Saturday morning soccer matches suddenly losing interest, claiming they are “too tired” or simply don’t care about playing for several weeks on end.

This isn’t laziness or defiance; it is a clear indicator that their internal coping resources are tapped out.

• Expert Tip: Focus on the emotion rather than the behaviour. Instead of asking “Why are you being so moody?”, try “I’ve noticed you seem a bit down lately; would you like to talk about what’s on your mind, or would you just like some quiet time?”

2. They pull back from their friends

We all need a bit of solitude, but a marked, long-term withdrawal from peers and activities that once brought joy is a red flag that warrants attention.

Take a child who used to thrive in after-school games with friends, for example; if they suddenly retreat to their room and decline every invitation, they are likely using isolation as a protective wall against a world that feels too demanding.

• Expert Tip: Gently encourage connection without force. Create low-pressure opportunities for social interaction, such as having a friend over for a simple snack, rather than pushing for high-stakes, big-energy events.

3. Changes in physical health and habits

The mind and body are constantly in conversation, and a child’s physical health is often the loudest indicator of their mental state.

You’ll often see this pattern on school mornings, when your child complains of a persistent stomachache despite being perfectly healthy—it’s their physical way of saying their nervous system is in “fight or flight” mode.

• Expert Tip: Prioritise the fundamentals of mental health: sleep, nutrition, and exercise. These are the foundations of emotional regulation. If physical symptoms persist, check in with a GP to rule out medical issues while simultaneously supporting their emotional wellbeing. Identify other avoidance behaviours.

4. Taking the easy road

Avoidance is a natural, yet self-defeating, reflex that kids use to keep themselves safe from the discomfort of failure or anxiety.

While skipping a task provides a moment of relief, it unfortunately reinforces the idea that they aren’t capable of handling challenges, effectively shrinking their world.

Think of the child who invents creative excuses to miss an oral presentation or refuses to go to a school camp; they aren’t just being difficult; they are trapped in a cycle where the fear of the event has become greater than their confidence in their own competence.

• Expert Tip: Normalise their feelings while encouraging small, manageable steps. Validate their fear (”I can see you’re really nervous about the camp”) while helping them identify a small part of the event they feel capable of doing, rather than letting them opt out entirely.

5. Inability to regulate emotions

The ability to recover from a setback is a key indicator of a child’s developing emotional intelligence and stability.

If you notice your child consistently reacting with an intensity that seems completely out of proportion to the situation, it’s a sign that their “brakes”—the internal tools used to self-regulate—aren’t engaging.

For example, if losing a simple board game triggers an hour-long, uncontrollable spiral of rage or despair, it is a clear sign that they lack the current skills to navigate disappointment on their own.

• Expert Tip: Model calm, rational thinking. When a child is in a high-arousal state, the part of their brain responsible for logic is effectively offline. Use your own calm presence and deep breathing to help “co-regulate” them before attempting to discuss solutions.

Practical Solutions for Families

Your long-term goal is to provide a stable environment that focuses on support. These five strategies form the basis of a healthy family environment for your child.

1. Create a Predictable Home Base

Children thrive when they know what to expect. Predictability is important for mental health, as it is for positive discipline.

During times of stress, lean into routines. Consistent mealtimes and bedtimes provide a sense of safety that anchors a child when their internal world feels chaotic.

Focus on transition times, such as the first ten minutes after school and the last ten minutes before bed, as these periods are most critical for emotional connection.

2. Focus on Physical Fundamentals

It is difficult to maintain mental wellbeing when the body is depleted.

Make sure your child is getting enough movement and high-quality sleep. Data from the Australian Student Wellbeing Framework suggests that physical activity is directly linked to a child’s ability to regulate their moods and bounce back from setbacks.

Replace late-afternoon screen time with a family walk or outdoor play to help burn off the day’s cortisol.

3. Practise Active Listening

When your child does open up, resist the urge to jump in with a fix or a lecture.

Simply being a calm, non-judgmental presence allows them to process their thoughts at their own speed. This builds the communication building block that is essential for long-term resilience.

Use parenting shoulder-to-shoulder-talk while driving, walking, or washing dishes—as many children find direct eye contact too confronting when discussing feelings.

4. Strengthen Your School Connection

You are not alone in this. Reach out to your child’s teacher to see if the behaviours you see at home are mirrored in the classroom. A unified approach between home and school ensures the child feels supported in every environment they inhabit.

Share specific observations with your child’s teacher rather than general concerns to help them know exactly what to look for in the playground.

5. Model Healthy Coping Habits

Children are world-class observers. Let them see you managing your own stress in healthy ways. If you have had a tough day, verbalise how you plan to handle it, such as taking a deep breath or going for a run.

Avoid hiding all your stress; instead, show them the process of moving from a state of frustration to a state of calm.

Finally…

Stay observant and maintain a supportive, practical presence.

Provide some extra attention and treats so that they know they are loved and supported.

Primary school is a journey, with lots of ups and downs. With the right support, patience and care, your child can find their way back to their best self.

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If you feel like you are fighting a losing battle with your children over digital screens, you are not alone.

In 2026, the challenge of managing screen time has become the single most pressing concern for parents.

Your anxiety is well-founded.

Concerns about your digital screens and your child’s attention span, emotional regulation, and safety are backed by significant research.

A major 2025 meta-analysis published in the Psychological Bulletin confirms a “vicious cycle” between excessive screen use and emotional struggles.

When kids use screens to manage anxiety or boredom, they miss out on the vital face-to-face interactions, physical activity, and deep sleep necessary for healthy brain development.

Furthermore, research from the JAMA Network consistently links high levels of screen exposure to disrupted sleep and, consequently, lower emotional resilience.

And here’s the rub.

You are parenting in an era in which social media and AI safety concerns evolve faster than authorities can set boundaries.

Luckily, there’s a timely shift happening

But it’s not all gloom and doom.

They realise that screens are not going away, so their goal is no longer to eliminate them, but to manage the opportunity cost of using screens.

It’s not about how many minutes a child spends on a device, but about what activities that time displaces.

If your child’s screen time is crowding out sleep, outdoor play, and family conversation, you have a problem.

So the most successful parents are no longer just policing minutes; they are curating their home environment to make real-world activities easier, fun and more accessible.

Proven strategies for 2026 and beyond

Reclaim the balance in your home by shifting from reactive rule enforcement to proactive activity structuring.

1. Prioritise sleep hygiene

Sleep is numero uno for healthy child development.

It’s the single most powerful tool you have to support your child’s behaviour, mood, and cognitive health

The data is irrefutable: blue light and digital stimulation before bed have a measurable negative impact on brain health.

Your solution: No digital stimulation at least 45 minutes before bedtime. Make the bedroom a device-free sanctuary and move all charging stations to a common area, like the kitchen, overnight.

2. Create non-negotiable digital-free spaces

Out of sight, out of mind is the idea here.

There’s no doubt that visibility breeds desirability, especially when it comes to screens and technology.

Your solution: Protect these spaces, which provide your child with the consistent, device-free interaction they need to develop social nuance and emotional intelligence.

3. Collaborate on digital boundaries

I’ve found that most kids will stick to rules they’ve had a say in making. This applies to bedtimes, family routines, and yes, setting digital boundaries.

So, instead of imposing usage rules from above, involve your child in the process.

Ask them, “What is a fair way to ensure we have enough time for outdoor play and family games this week?”

Consider conducting a family meeting to discuss digital boundaries.

When children have a hand in creating their digital structure, they are far more likely to respect it.

Your solution: Stick to agreed boundaries and revisit them regularly. Rather than abandoning all hope if things aren’t going to plan, say to your children, “These boundaries aren’t working. What’s the problem? How can we fix it?” Keep working at getting things right.

4. Model the digital behaviour you want

Kids are astute observers of adult behaviours, especially those they live in close quarters with.

That can be a scary prospect as they see all our less desirable behaviours, as well as the behaviours we’re proud of.

If we are constantly distracted by our own devices, our instructions for them to “get off the screen” will inevitably ring hollow.

Conversely, modelling offers adults a valuable chance to influence children's habits in various areas, including their use of digital technology.

Your solution: Demonstrate that you, too, can step away from the digital world, and show them that a richer, more engaging life awaits them offline.

5. Use tools as support, not a crutch

There’s no doubt that the digital landscape just got a little easier in Australia, with new social media laws that recently made it illegal for children under 16 to open accounts.

This world's first social media ban for under-16-year-olds sends a powerful message to social media companies, and supports parents who increasingly feel overwhelmed by their kids’ social media use.

For younger children, parental controls and router-level scheduling are excellent tools for managing the flow of digital content, but they are only effective when used alongside open, honest conversations.

Use these tools to automate the boundaries so you don’t have to be the “bad guy” every single night.

Your solution: Take a real interest in what your kids are doing online so that you can stay in the digital parenting game.

6. Provide attractive, fun, real-world alternatives

If there are alternatives to the digital world that are either boring or non-existent, then it’s little wonder screens have a powerful pull.

I’ve seen this first-hand with children in my family.

With few fun options, they’ll opt for a screen every time.

So, it’s out with the art materials, the sports balls, the board games and other activities they like, and on with the energy to join them, even if just to get them started.

Your solution: Offer them real-world activities that cater to their interests and provide the right level of challenge to keep them engaged. And if they don’t take your offer? Well, let’s just say some things in families are non-negotiable, and maybe 30 minutes or so of non-tech play a day could be one of those.

Final thoughts

Parenting in the digital age is not about being a perfect gatekeeper; it is about being a steady, present leader.

It’s up to you to set the climate for smart digital use in your own home.

Focus on your connection with your child. Prioritise real-world play and keep your expectations consistent.

Ensure that your child learns to use technology as a tool for growth, rather than letting it become the default setting for their life.

Stay the course—it is the most important investment you can make in your child’s future.

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I’ve never a met a parent who doesn’t want their child to do well at school.

But sometimes their focus is wrong.

It’s all about results, which isn’t the best indicator of success.

Doing well at school isn’t just about grades.

True, long-lasting success is found in academic resilience, which empowers students to thrive despite challenges.

When facing setbacks, the growth mindset for kids often wavers, leading to avoidance.

However, by intentionally teaching perseverance at home, you can transform these moments into learning opportunities.

The development of a resilient learner helps ensure long-term learning success- way beyond your child’s current classroom.

It builds the emotional stamina necessary for life’s complexities.

By implementing practical strategies for student success, you ensure your child not only navigates the school year but also gains the confidence to tackle any hurdle.

You help them understand that intelligence is dynamic, not fixed, allowing them to view obstacles as temporary rather than permanent limitations.

What is Resilience and Why Does It Matter?

Academic resilience is the capacity to maintain a positive, productive approach to learning, even when things become difficult.

It isn’t about being tough or ignoring feelings of disappointment; it’s about having the emotional tools to work through difficult feelings and find a solution.

This is vital in the early years of primary school, when children begin to form their identities as learners.

If they equate success only with being the smartest or the fastest, they will crumble the moment they encounter a task that doesn't come easily.

As psychologist Carol Dweck famously noted:

"The view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life. It can determine whether you become the person you want to be and whether you accomplish the things you value."

Resilience acts as a buffer against anxiety.

It allows a child to stay engaged, ask for help, and ultimately, find satisfaction in the effort of learning, not just the result.

Shaping a Resilient Learner at Home

As a parent, you are the architect of your children's learning environment. Here are some ideas to help you shape the psychological environment that builds resilience needed for learning:

1. Praise the Process, Not the Talent

When your child brings home a great result, resist saying, "You’re so clever!"

Instead, try, "I noticed how hard you worked on that draft," or "You really stuck with that math problem until you figured it out."

By focusing on effort, you teach them that their hard work drives results rather than their natural ability.

2. Normalise the Struggle

Don’t jump in to rescue your child the moment they feel frustrated.

When they hit a wall, encourage them to sit with the struggle for a moment to build the tolerance required for deeper learning.

This small pause allows their brain to switch from emotional reactivity to logical problem-solving.

3. Model Your Own Fails 

Children are acute observers of everything we do, including how we handle our own mistakes.

Use this to your advantage to teach them how you approach challenges.

If you are struggling with a project, talk through your thought process aloud: "This is frustrating, but I’m going to take a break and try a different approach. First, I need to make a list, then……”

Hearing you articulate your strategy gives them a roadmap to follow when they hit roadblocks.

4. Encourage “Yet” 

If your child says, "I can’t do this," add the word "yet” to the end of the sentence.

It’s a small linguistic shift that opens the door to growth and reframes the current challenge as a temporary hurdle rather than a permanent limitation. It’s also something you can try yourself, when you’re tempted to say in frustration, “I just can’t do this……. yet!”

5. Create a Supportive Debrief Ritual 

Instead of just asking, "How was your day?", ask, "What was the most challenging thing you encountered today, and what did you learn from it?"

This regular check-in normalises the idea that challenges are a healthy, everyday part of learning and helps children develop the reflective capacity needed to overcome future obstacles.

Final thoughts

Building a resilient learner doesn't happen overnight; it is a gradual process of shifting focus from the destination to the journey.

By normalising struggle, celebrating effort over innate ability, and encouraging self-leadership, you empower your children to face the academic world with confidence.

The goal isn't to prevent your child from failing, but to ensure they have the courage and tools to bounce back stronger every single time.

Imagine stepping into your home and instantly feeling a sense of calm, connection, and cooperation.

Great parenting isn’t an elusive talent; it is a dynamic set of practical, learnable skills, including positive discipline, overcoming power struggles and building resilience.

Backed by cutting-edge neuroscience and developmental psychology, these ten essential parenting skills are your roadmap to moving past daily power struggles and building a deeply resilient family.

1. Active Listening

Active listening is the cornerstone of psychological safety in families.

The Gottman Institute demonstrates that validation through listening is a primary driver of secure attachment.

When you master this as a parent, your child feels emotionally safe, which boosts self-esteem and reduces anxiety.

Expert Tip: Use the Get Low and Repeat rule. Physically drop to your child’s eye level. Before offering advice, paraphrase their feelings: “It sounds like you felt really left out at lunchtime today, is that right?”

2. Emotion Coaching

Emotion coaching involves leaning into a child’s feelings rather than dismissing them.

And yes, I’m a fan. Have been for decades.

Dr John Gottman’s research found that children of emotion-coaching parents are more resilient and possess stronger social skills.

It fosters high emotional intelligence by teaching kids that all emotions are acceptable. Emotions aren’t good or bad.

They’re comfortable or uncomfortable.

By learning to name their feelings, children gain the vital self-awareness needed to navigate complex interpersonal relationships later in life.

Expert Tip: Separate the emotion from the behaviour during a meltdown: “It is okay to feel angry that the tower fell. It is not okay to throw your toys.”

3. Consistent Boundaries

Children thrive when they know where the lines are drawn. As boring as it may sound, kids like the predictability of routines, rituals and rules. That doesn’t mean that they won’t push them, but that’s an article for another day.

Developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind maintains that Authoritative parenting—balancing high warmth with clear, firm boundaries—yields the most socially competent individuals. Limits provide a safety fence that lowers baseline anxiety.

Expert Tip: Establish boundaries during calm moments. Sit down during a relaxed time to clearly outline family rules and the automated consequences that follow.

4. Positive Discipline

Positive discipline focuses on teaching rather than fear-based punishment.

This approach is strongly supported by extensive research, most notably Australia’s internationally acclaimed Triple P (Positive Parenting Program).

Decades of Triple P research show that proactive discipline significantly reduces childhood behavioural issues while lowering parental stress. It shifts the parental role from a punisher to a supportive guide, helping children understand the natural impact of their choices.

Expert Tip: Shift entirely to immediate, logically related consequences tied to the behaviour. Deliver them calmly: “Because you refused to put on your shoes, we have lost our time to play at the park.”

5. Role Modelling

Kids are natural mimics.

They’re hardwired to copy what parents do long before they follow what we say.

Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory shows that children constantly mirror the actions and stress responses of caregivers, internalising their coping mechanisms.

Expert Tip: Practice narrative self-regulation aloud so they hear the process: “I’m feeling really frustrated by this traffic right now, so I’m going to take two deep breaths to help myself calm down.”

6. Encouraging Independence

Fostering autonomy is vital. It’s the best parenting game in town.

Self-Determination Theory emphasises that autonomy is a core psychological need.

Overparenting correlates with higher anxiety and lower self-efficacy in young adults, whereas encouraging independence builds genuine resilience.

Allowing children to navigate small, safe failures gives them the confidence required to tackle major life challenges independently.

Expert Tip: Make it your guiding parenting principle— never do for a child what they can do themselves—whether it is packing a school bag or pouring cereal. Step back and let them try.

7. Clear, Positive Communication

Linguistic studies indicate that the human brain processes positive directives faster than negative ones.

When a child hears “Don’t,” their brain must first visualise the forbidden act, creating a mental delay and increasing confusion.

Framing instructions positively reduces behavioural friction and helps children clearly understand exactly what is expected of them.

Expert Tip: Replace “Don’t” with action-oriented verbs. Instead of “Don’t run inside,” say, “Please use your walking feet.” Instead of “Stop yelling,” use “Please use your indoor voice.”

8. Quality Connection

Groundbreaking research from the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) highlights that warm parent-child relationships built on regular connection act as a major protective factor for youth mental health.

It fills their emotional tank and reduces attention-seeking behaviours.

Even brief moments of true presence create lasting memories and reinforce a child’s sense of belonging and worth within the family.

Expert Tip: Implement regular, ritualised One-on-one time. Set aside 10 to 15 undistracted, phone-free minutes when the child chooses the activity, and you follow their lead completely.

9. Parent Self-Discipline

An adult’s ability to regulate their own nervous system is a relatively new parenting tool. We’ve always known the value of parental calm, but we underestimated its positive impact on kids’ behaviours and emotional states.

It’s massive.

Dr Dan Siegel introduced the concept of co-regulation, demonstrating that a child’s developing nervous system relies on a calm adult to help it settle.

An escalated adult cannot calm an escalated child.

Expert Tip: Use the Pause-and-Press technique. When triggered, press your feet into the floor, take one slow belly breath, and drop your shoulders before speaking.

10. Flexibility and Adaptability

The psychological concept of a Good Fit holds that parenting must align with the child’s unique temperament and changing age to promote optimal psychological health.

This adaptability preserves the parent-child relationship across major transitions, such as adolescence.

Recognising that what worked yesterday might not work today allows you to grow alongside your child with grace and ease.

Expert Tip: Conduct a semiannual parenting audit. Ask yourself: “Does my current parenting style match my child’s current age and temperament, or am I parenting the child they were a year ago?”

Finally

By weaving these science-backed skills into your daily routine, you are setting your children up for a brilliant, confident future!

Change doesn’t happen overnight, so pick just one skill to play with this week, celebrate the small wins, and watch your family thrive.

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In our book Anxious Kids, Dr. Jodi Richardson and I wrote about the “gut feelings” and “lump in the throat” children experience when nervous.

Far from being mere figures of speech, these sensations are the physical signatures of the vagus nerve—the longest and most influential nerve in the human body. Understanding how this nerve functions is essential to knowing how to calm an anxious child.

For parents navigating child anxiety, this internal superhighway acts as the ultimate reset button, shifting a child from panic to connection.

It serves as the brake pedal for the fight-or-flight response, physically slowing the heart rate and signaling safety to the brain.

Just like regular muscles, this nerve requires conditioning to maintain high “vagal tone,” which allows children to recover quickly from stressful events.

The good news is that you can actively strengthen this system.

By implementing specific vagus nerve exercises—such as slow, deep diaphragmatic breathing, humming, or cold-water splashes—you can instantly trigger a state of relaxation.

Furthermore, practising intentional co-regulation strategies allows your own calm presence to soothe your child’s nervous system, lending them your stability when they need it most.

It is the reset button that shifts a child from panic to calm and connection.

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What is the Vagus Nerve?

Think of the vagus nerve as a high-speed internal superhighway.

It starts at the base of the brain and winds its way down through the neck, heart, and lungs, all the way to the gut. Its primary job is to act as the commander of the Parasympathetic Nervous System—the rest-and-digest system.

When a child feels anxious, their fight-or-flight response takes over.

Their heart races, their breathing gets shallow, and their brain yells, “Danger!”

The vagus nerve is the brake pedal.

When it’s activated, it sends a signal to the brain saying, “It’s okay, we’re safe now,” which physically slows the heart and relaxes the muscles.

Tone is Everything

In the world of neuroscience, we talk about vagal tone.

Just like we exercise our muscles to keep them strong, we want children to have high vagal tone.

A child with high vagal tone can recover quickly from a stressful event. They might get a fright, but their body brakes effectively, and they return to calm within minutes.

A child with low vagal tone stays revved up long after the threat has passed. Being able to shift the vagal tone in children is a significant parenting and teaching tool.

The good news?

You can help your child tone this nerve through simple, daily habits.

5 ways to stimulate the calm command

You don’t need a medical degree to help your child manage their vagus nerve. You just need to know some vagus nerve exercises for anxiety.

Many of the tools we discussed in Anxious Kids work specifically because they stimulate this nerve.

1. Breathe low and slow

The vagus nerve runs right through the diaphragm.

When children take deep, belly-expanding breaths, they physically stimulate the nerve, sending an immediate message of safety to the brain. 

Here’s how: Encourage Box breathing or “blowing out the candle.” The key is to make the exhale longer than the inhale, as the exhale triggers the vagal brake.

2. Splash some cold water

A splash of cold water on a child’s face does more than make them shudder.

It acts as a biological circuit breaker.

Cold water activates a primitive reflex that quickly slows the heart rate through the vagus nerve to conserve energy and calm the system. 

Here’s how: If your child is spiralling into an anxious state, have them splash ice-cold water on their face or hold a cold, damp cloth to the back of their neck. It’s an instant physical reset for a racing heart.

3. Hmmmm, sing that song

Sounds strange, but humming works!

Because the vagus nerve links to the vocal cords and the muscles at the back of the throat, vibration acts as a strong stimulant.

That’s why humming often feels naturally calming during stressful times.

Here’s how: You don’t need to be a choir leader. Humming a low tune, gargling water after brushing your teeth, or even chanting “Om” together produces a vibration that directly stimulates the nerve.

4. Move mindfully

As we’ve long championed, movement is medicine to an anxious child (and adult).

Yoga, stretching, or simply hanging upside down on the monkey bars alters the pressure in the chest and abdomen, which the vagus nerve continuously monitors. 

Here’s how: When the worry bugs bite, get them moving. A few minutes of stretching, a bear crawl across the living room floor, or a rhythmic walk can be enough to shift the nervous system out of high alert.

5. Hug, laugh and connect

This is the part I love.

The vagus nerve is a crucial part of our Social Engagement System. Yes, it helps us connect to others. Build relationships. Forge friendships

It connects to the muscles in the face and middle ear, meaning it constantly scans for signals of safety from others. 

Here’s how: Laughter is a strong vagal stimulant because it involves rhythmic contractions of the diaphragm. Similarly, a long, heart-to-heart hug (holding for at least 20 seconds) releases oxytocin and tells the vagus nerve that it’s safe to reduce the stress response.

Co-regulation - your job as a parent

Perhaps the most important thing to know is that the vagus nerve is social. It is constantly scanning the environment—and you—for cues of safety.

When you stay calm, lower your voice, and maintain a steady gaze, your child’s vagus nerve reads your calm and begins to mirror it. It’s one of the best co-regulation strategies you can use.

This is why your own Parental Reset is so vital.

You aren’t just teaching them to be calm; you are literally lending them your nervous system until theirs is strong enough to take the lead.

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Of all the tools in a parent’s toolbox, there is one that stands taller than the rest.

It isn’t the ability to craft a perfect consequence, nor is it the knack for persuasive storytelling.

The skill I admire most—and the one that serves as the bedrock for all effective guidance—is composure.

In the heat of a child or family meltdown, composure is the circuit breaker.

Why Composure is A Parent’s Best Friend

Parents always achieve better results when they exert a steady influence rather than unnecessary pressure.

In a family context, composure is your greatest source of influence.

When a child is spiralling into a tantrum or a teenager is testing a boundary with red-hot intensity, they are looking for a steady point of reference.

If you meet their big emotions with high-volume reactions of your own, you give your child control over your emotions.

And yes, they’ll press those buttons as hard as they can.

But by maintaining your composure, you retain the lead.

You show them that while their feelings are big, they are not big enough to break the adult in the room.

Understand the Mechanics of a Calm Brain

Composure is not the absence of feeling; it is the mastery of it.

It’s a form of parental self-discipline that prioritises long-term relationships over the short-term impulse to win an argument, or not let your child get the better of you.

Parents who can maintain their composure adopt a leadership mindset. They know that the leader in any group is not the loudest, noisiest or brashest person, but the calmest and most composed.

When you stay calm, you operate from your prefrontal cortex - the logical, rational part of your brain.

This allows you to use emotion coaching, where you acknowledge your child’s frustration (”I can see you’re really upset that we have to leave”) without getting sucked into the vortex of the conflict or their upset.

When you lose composure, you operate from your limbic region, that part of your brain responsible for the fight-or-flight response.

And that’s when your rational thinking goes out the window (along with your dignity and empathy for your child’s plight)

There’s only one part of the brain to engage when you want composure - the pre-frontal cortex.

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The Building Blocks of a Composed Response

Developing this level of restraint doesn’t happen overnight.

It requires a commitment to a few core concepts and skills:

• The Pause: One of the most powerful tools in parenting is the three-second gap between a child’s provocation and your response. This pause is where composure resides. Develop the habit of stopping, looking away and taking a few deep breaths before responding to a child’s provocation. Practise this in non-stress situations.

• The Leaders’ Mindset: Instead of seeing a child’s behaviour as a personal attack, see it as a lack of skill. This shift in perspective makes it much easier to stay calm and helpful.

• Positive Discipline: Composure allows you to be firm and kind at the same time. You can enforce a boundary without the side-serving of anger that often causes children to shut down or rebel.

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Model for the Future

You are your children’s primary social teacher.

If you want them to handle stress with grace and composure, they need to see what that looks like in practice.

When you choose composure over impulsivity, you don’t merely solve a problem in the moment; you provide a blueprint for your child’s future resilience.

You teach them that power doesn’t come from who can shout the loudest, but from who can remain the steadiest.

Yes, it can be hard to maintain composure under pressure, especially when you're tired and stressed.

But composure takes practice, so it becomes your default response when the you-know-what hits the fan.

Finally…

Great parenting is rarely about being perfect.

It’s about doing the little things consistently well.

Next time the tension rises in your household, take a breath and remember: your composure is the greatest gift you can give your child in that moment.

It’s the silent signal that says, “I’ve got this, and I’ve got you.”

That’s exactly what your child needs when the heat is on.

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In the heat of a parenting moment, it’s easy to feel like you’re losing the battle.

You’ve asked your eldest to stop pestering his brother three times, but the poking continues.

He’s revved up, defiant, and quite clearly, he isn’t in the driver’s seat of his own behaviour anymore.

When a child loses control, nagging doesn’t work.

Threatening doesn’t work. You need to stop nagging because that doesn’t work.

What they need is a circuit breaker - a chance to reset.

The Power of the Reset -Positive Discipline

The Reset is a sophisticated evolution of the old-fashioned Time-out.

While a Time-out is often seen as a punishment, a Reset is an opportunity to shift their cognitive and emotional states.

A reset in positive discipline is a return to a calm state, which enables a child to think differently or more clearly.

When you say, “Go to your room and reset,” you acknowledge that they are currently unable to make good choices.

They aren’t naughty; they are dysregulated.

The room isn’t a prison; it’s a quiet space to lower the heart rate and get their brain back online.

The magic of the Reset lies in the return.

Don’t set a kitchen timer.

Instead, put the onus on them: “Come back out when you feel calm and ready to be part of the family again.” This shifts the focus from external compliance to internal self-regulation—the very cornerstone of agency and self-discipline.

Here’s how.

To reset, a child should:

1. Isolate themselves - go somewhere quiet- a bedroom or calm space.

2. Close their eyes - to remove visual distractions and access the part of the brain that governs emotions.

3. Take some belly breaths - to calm the fight-or-flight response.

4. Return when they feel calm and relaxed - they should feel their shoulders slump.

Practise this with your child in low or no-stress situations.

The ability to reset after poor behaviour, an anxious moment or experiencing self-doubt is one of the most important tools to give your child.

Here are five more.

Five more discipline tools that work

To parent with authority and empathy, you need a broad kit of tools and strategies that prioritise teaching over mere stopping.

Here are five essential tools to help you gain cooperation and foster character without the shouting matches.

1. Employ the broken record technique

Arguments require two people.

When a child tries to draw you into a negotiation over a non-negotiable rule, don’t take the bait.

State your requirement calmly and repeat it verbatim if challenged, such as saying, “I hear you, but it’s bedtime.”

Don’t vary your response. Stick to the script.

This prevents the logic-loop where you try to justify yourself to a child who isn’t ready to listen.

2. Check for the gap

Often, we discipline the behaviour without checking the underlying capability.

If a child consistently fails at a task, like packing up their Lego, there may be a gap in their organisational skills, or the environment may simply be too overwhelming.

Before moving to a consequence, ask: “Do you need a hand to get started, or can you do this on your own?”

This offers a scaffold of support without rescuing them, ensuring the child is set up for success rather than frustration-induced failure.

3. Use logical consequences

For discipline to stick and feel fair, the price must match the crime.

If a child treats their bike poorly, the bike is put away for the afternoon; if they make a mess, they clean it up.

Focus on the Three R’s: ensuring the consequence is Related, Respectful, and Reasonable.

This teaches accountability by showing the child that their actions have a functional, natural impact on their world, rather than just being a random act of parental power.

4. Just walk away (Parental Reset)

Sometimes, the person who needs the Reset most is the one standing in the doorway.

If you feel your own thermostat rising to a boiling point, the best leadership move is to temporarily withdraw before you lose your cool.

State your boundary clearly—“I’m feeling too frustrated to talk about this right now, I’m going to the kitchen to calm down”—and leave the room.

You are modelling the exact emotional regulation you want to see in your children, showing them that it’s okay to step away when things get heated.

And that is parenting at its finest.

5. Use behavioural scripting

When a child uses an inappropriate tone or makes an inappropriate demand, they often simply haven’t yet downloaded the correct social script.

Instead of just saying “Don’t be rude,” give them the exact words they should use, such as, “Try that again. Say: ‘Mum, can I please have a turn when you’re finished?’”

This shifts the interaction from a conflict to a coaching session, while keeping a connection with your child.

It works because it replaces a negative behaviour with a functional positive one, giving them the social skills they need to succeed in the future.

Finally

The ultimate aim of the authoritative parent isn’t to control your child; it’s to teach them to control themselves.

By using tools like the Reset, you move away from being a policeman (and judge and jury) and become a coach.

Next time the house feels like it’s spinning out of control, don’t join the chaos.

Keep your composure.

Hold the line with calmness, and trust that every time you stay calm, you are building your child’s capacity to do the same.

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In my work, I meet many exhausted parents, but it isn’t from a lack of good intentions.

It’s from a lack of leadership.

They’ve traded their authority for never-ending negotiations, and the result is a generation of children who feel like they’re in charge of a ship they don’t know how to steer.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when negotiation is fine.

It can be a good management technique, particularly over non-essential issues - “Should we have tacos or pasta tonight?” or “What movie should we see?”

But important issues like behaviour, safety and values aren’t up for negotiation - this includes bedtimes, wearing safety belts and how we speak to each other.

If you feel like you’re working harder than your child to manage their behaviour, the balance is off.

Stop being the negotiator and start being the firm, authoritative leader.

Authoritative parenting isn’t about getting tough—it’s about being the sturdy lighthouse your child needs to find their way through the fog.

Here are five tools to help you lead the way and avoid negotiating the non-negotiables.

1. Use Declarative Language

Don’t ask your child for permission to lead.

When you frame every instruction as a question, you invite a power struggle that shouldn’t exist.

When giving an instruction, lower your pitch, use fewer words, and state the expectation as a fact. For example, instead of asking, "Can you put your shoes on now?" try stating: "It’s time to put your shoes on. We are leaving in five minutes." This subtle shift establishes you as the person in charge, removing unnecessary friction.

Provide your child with the structure they need to feel secure, rather than seeking consensus on house rules.

Here’s how: “It’s time to pack up. We are leaving in five minutes.” Lower your voice, use fewer words, and state the facts.

2. Be the Thermostat, Not the Thermometer

A child in meltdown is like a fire.

The flames spread quickly.

And you can’t put out a fire with more fire.

If you allow your own frustration to mirror theirs, you lose the ability to guide them back to calm.

Your stability is the anchor they need when their emotions overwhelm them.

Use your physical presence to lower the temperature. Be the mood you want to see in your child.

Here’s how: Stay physically still. Breathe. Move away momentarily if you still can’t calm down. Speak low and slow to reconnect with your child.

(An aside: Practise speaking low and slow in non-stress situations. If you want to be heard when your children are noisy, lower your voice. It’s anti-intuitive, but it works)

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3. Remember, “When/Then” is Your Best Friend

I’ve noticed over the years working closely with families that negotiation breeds nagging, while logic breeds responsibility.

Negotiation is hard work, particularly when dealing with young bush lawyers who are adept at turning everything into a deal.

Use logic to break the cycle. (It works gang busters with teens as well.)

By clearly linking a desired activity to a required task, you move from being a “nagger” to being a provider of opportunity.

It places the power—and the consequences—directly in the child’s hands.

Here’s how: “When your shoes are on, then we go to the park.” If the shoes stay off, the car stays in the driveway. No yelling required—reality does the hard work for you.

4. Step Back from the Rescue

Resilience and grit are built in the struggle zone, not in the comfort zone.

Fixing kids’ problems does them few favours.

Every time you swoop in to fix a minor problem, you rob children of a chance to develop their capacities. If you want a child to be resourceful, you need to give them a chance to develop their resources.

True confidence is built on overcoming challenges, not avoiding them.

Here’s how: Wait 20 seconds before intervening. If they’re stuck, offer a “micro-hint” rather than a total takeover. Let them feel the pride of saying, “I did it.”

5. Replace Punishment with Restoration

Arbitrary punishments, such as losing dessert for a messy room, create resentment and sneaky behaviour.

Restoration, however, focuses on the fix rather than the fail, teaching children that mistakes can be mended through effort.

This approach builds a bridge back to the relationship rather than a wall between you.

Here’s how: If they break a rule or hurt a sibling, the question isn’t “Why did you do that?” but “How will you make this right?” If they make a mess, they clean it. If they hurt a feeling, they perform a service.

Finally

Leadership isn’t about intensity; it’s about consistency.

You don’t need to overhaul your entire life by Monday. Pick one area where you’ve become a negotiator, or worse, a nagger. Maybe it’s bedtime, or maybe it’s how they speak to you. Hold that one line today with a calm, firm “no.”

Don’t explain yourself for the tenth time. Just be the firm leader.

Your kids won’t necessarily thank you for the change. Ultimately, they will feel safer and develop greater agency when you replace the mantle of management with the leverage of leadership.

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Our daughter organised her six-month exchange to Denmark when she was fifteen.

She didn’t do this by us doing more for her. Driving her everywhere. Cooking every meal. Getting her up in the mornings.

She got there because we did less.

There’s a current version of parenting that’s very managerial. It’s efficient, clean, and very safe. Kids get to school on time. They are always fed the most nutritious food available and are heavily involved in after-school activities.

The parent-manager makes this happen.

This was us with our eldest, and they remained very dependent on us. Until we changed.

With our next children, we shifted from parent-manager to parent-architect, shaping an environment that builds real capability.

It involved moving away from doing for them and moving toward providing the scaffolding they needed to do for themselves.

The activities we engaged in became part of our family culture. So much so that the next generation is coming through, with in-built agency.

“Look out, world, we’re coming, but in a good way.”

The shift from efficient parent-manager to parent-architect starts with a “do less, not more” mindset. It also gives kids the chance to problem-solve, learn from mistakes, and develop inner confidence in their own capabilities.

Magic!

Here are seven easy ways to get started.

1. Delegate meal preparation

Hand over the kitchen tongs.

Cooking is more than teaching a life skill. It signals that you trust their competence.

When a child follows a recipe or experiments with flavours, they are making a series of decisions with immediate, tangible results.

Start with one night a week where your child is the head chef for a simple dish.

You become sous chef—you do the chopping if they aren’t ready, but they make the executive calls on seasoning and timing.

2. Let them build

Let kids be designers of their own play.

Provide children with loose parts—such as old crates, PVC pipes, timber offcuts, or tyres.

Research shows that when materials have no single defined purpose, children must rely on their own internal drive and creative problem-solving.

To start, clear a corner of the yard and stock it with inexpensive hardware store finds or recycled goods. Apartment-dwellers can give over part of a room to building on a smaller scale.

Step back and resist the urge to tell them what to build; let the environment be the teacher.

(An aside: Lego and other construction-type toys, which thankfully are still popular with kids, only tap into part of their creativity as they often come in follow-the-plan-type kits.)

3. Navigate the ‘hood.

Spatial awareness and the ability to find one’s way are foundational to independence.

On your next walk to the park or shops, hand the lead over to your child.

Ask them to get the family there using landmarks or a basic map.

Get them to pay attention to their surroundings and take charge of the group’s direction.

Passive follower to active leader in a simple walk.

4. Solve problems collaboratively

The next time your child comes to you with a problem—a broken toy, a conflict with a sibling, or boredom—resist the fix-it reflex.

Instead, ask: “How can you handle this?”

Train their brain to look for solutions rather than obstacles.

Neuroscience teaches us that if they do this often enough, a pattern is created. Problem-solving becomes their default.

Start by making it a rule that they must bring a potential solution along with every complaint.

5. Facilitate family meetings

Replace the top-down managerial approach with a collaborative forum.

Use a weekly meeting to discuss chores, weekend plans, or recurring friction points. When children help draft the rules, they are far more likely to follow them because they have skin in the game.

Start with a simple agenda: what’s working, what isn’t, and what’s the plan for next week.

This teaches them that their voice can influence their community. That’s true agency.

6. Plan public transport routes

For older children, the ability to move through their city independently is a major milestone. It gives them something more valuable than money - autonomy!

Have them research the bus or train timetable for your next outing.

Let them check the platform numbers and signal the driver.

Feeling street smart is a powerful antidote to the anxiety of the unknown.

7. Make pocket money real

Do you get tired of your child always asking you to buy them ‘stuff’?

Hand over the decision-making on the purchase to your child. "Certainly you can buy that? You’ve got enough pocket money.”

This shift places the burden of choice squarely on their shoulders, moving from being a passive asker to an active decision-maker who is fully responsible for the outcome of their purchase.

That’s a powerful shift.

Finally…..

Building agency means less management of your child’s life and more designing for their independence.

By choosing to “do less,” you provide the scaffolding your child needs to build their own capability.

This shift from parent-manager to parent-architect trades daily efficiency for a family culture of grit, problem-solving, and genuine agency.

What’s one thing you can “do less” today to help your child do more?

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We’ve all experienced it!

The child who comes home from school and immediately starts spinning in circles, flopping onto the sofa, or perhaps—as I did as a boy—disappearing to their room to rock rhythmically for ten minutes on their bed.

As a parent, your first instinct is to tell them to “settle petal”, “find a calm charm”, or “take a chill pill”.

This approach so often misses the mark. Their movement continues, or it transforms into a petty argument.

Good intentions, but a lack of understanding results in an incorrect strategy.

In most cases, this movement isn’t a sign of hyperactivity but rather a brilliant, self-taught coping strategy.

I’ll explain.

Move beyond the five senses

You know about sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing. You heard about these senses in primary/elementary school.

But there is a hidden sixth sense that is arguably the most important for a child’s emotional well-being: The Vestibular System.

And it wasn’t something you were taught at school. And your parents wouldn’t have known about it either.

Tucked away in the inner ear, the vestibular system is your child’s internal spirit level.

It senses gravity and movement, telling the brain where the body is in space.

More importantly, it is directly hard-wired to the nervous system.

When the world feels too loud, too fast, or too demanding, the vestibular system is the volume knob that can turn the stress down.

How do kids turn the volume down?

Through movement….but not just any kind.

Remove the school day static

Modern childhood is high-pressure.

Between the sensory overload of a noisy classroom and the mental effort of behaving well and focusing all day, children often leave school with their brains full of static.

When a child rocks, swings, or paces, they are using rhythmic movement to:

• Lower their heart rate: Slow, repetitive motion acts like a natural sedative for the brain.

• Filter the noise: It helps them tune out the world and tune in to their own bodies.

• Reset their clock: It’s a transition ritual that says, “The school day is over; I am safe at home now.”

Rhythmic movement is the key to turning the volume down and removing the day's static. It provides instant and natural stress relief.

Build your child’s agency through self-regulation

One of the best gifts to give a child is agency—the sense that they have the power to influence their own lives and emotions.

Recognise that fidgeting or rocking (common forms of stimming) is actually a child’s way of managing their own stress.

Stop seeing it as a behaviour to be controlled and start seeing it as a competence.

By allowing them space for these movements, you teach them: “You know what your body needs. You have the tools to make yourself feel better.”

Try these simple strategies at home

You don’t need a gym, a course or fancy equipment to help your child use their vestibular system to de-stress.

Here are three simple resets for a pressured day:

1. The 10-Minute Cocoon

If your child is prone to meltdowns after school, give them permission for 10 minutes of rhythmic time.

This might be on a swing, a rocking chair, or simply rocking to and fro on their bed.

No screens, no questions—just movement.

2. Get those big limbs working

If your child seems anxious, give them something to push or pull.

Carrying a basket of laundry or doing wall pushes (pushing against a wall as hard as they can) provides deep pressure that works alongside the vestibular system to ground them.

Jumping on a trampoline, swimming a few laps of the pool, or doing some intense sports practice also does the trick.

3. Go for a walk

Never underestimate the power of a rhythmic, steady walk.

The left-right-left walking rhythm is one of the most effective ways for people of any age to deal with a stressful day.

For many kids, walking home from school is enough to remove the stress of their day. That’s a luxury that not every child enjoys.

Final thoughts

The next time you see your child moving in a way that seems pointless or repetitive, take a breath.

They aren’t being difficult; they are likely doing exactly what they need to do to find their centre and reset.

When you understand the why behind the movement, you can stop managing behaviours and start raising children who are the masters of their own calm.

And you’re giving them the advantage of agency over their lives.

Do you know a parent, teacher or coach who would benefit from this article? If so, sharing is easy.

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In a recent post, I explored how the worlds of leadership development and effective parenting have essentially merged.

Raising a capable, resilient child is, in many ways, the ultimate leadership project.

Since then, my inbox has been buzzing.

Many of you reached out asking for the “how-to”—the boots-on-the-ground ideas to help bring these concepts into the living room, the backyard, and the car ride to footy practice.

As I’ve often said, fostering leadership starts with a shift in our own lens.

It’s about cultivating a leadership mindset. We need to move beyond just seeing good behaviour and start noticing—and naming—specific leadership habits.

What You Focus on Flourishes

There’s a simple truth in parenting: what you notice gets repeated.

When you shine a light on a child’s budding leadership, you aren’t just giving them a pat on the back; you are reinforcing a self-image.

This is particularly true for eldest children who often look to us for cues on how to navigate their world, but the impact ripples through the whole family.

The Power of a Shared Vocabulary

If you want to change a culture, you have to change the language.

When leadership terms become part of your family’s “kitchen table talk,” they become embedded.

Once they are embedded, they become a natural part of how your children operate.

Eventually, these habits are passed down to the next generation. That is the kind of legacy that truly sticks.

To help you catch your kids “doing it right,” try using these specific phrases linked to the Young Leaders’ five building blocks of leadership.

The secret is to praise the process and the specific block they are using.

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1. Mastering presence (Presentation Skills)

The Focus: Presence and clarity.

What to look for: Steady eye contact, upright posture, and a clear, audible volume.

• “I noticed how you looked the coach in the eye when you asked that question. That showed real presence.”

• “I love how you projected your voice just now. It made it very easy for everyone to hear your idea.”

• “You stood tall even though you were nervous. That’s what owning the room looks like.”

2. Stepping up (Responsibility)

The Focus: Ownership of actions.

What to look for: Admitting mistakes without prompts, proactivity with chores, and taking the initiative.

• “I saw you realised you forgot your water bottle and went back for it without me asking. That’s taking ownership.”

• “You owned that mistake instead of blaming your brother. “ That takes a lot of integrity.”

• “You saw a mess you didn’t make and cleaned it up anyway. That’s the ‘buck stops here’ mindset.”

  ---

3. Staying ahead of the game (Organisation)

The Focus: Structure and foresight.

What to look for: Planning ahead, managing gear, and keeping personal spaces functional.

• “I love how you mapped out your morning so we aren’t rushing. You’re mastering your own map.”

• “You checked your checklist before we left the house. That preparation makes the whole day smoother.”

• “I noticed you laid out your gear for tomorrow. You’re definitely staying ahead of the game.”

  ---

4. Moving from Me to We (Teamwork)

The Focus: Collaboration and empathy.

What to look for: Encouraging others, active listening, and navigating sibling dynamics smoothly.

• “It was great how you asked your friend what they wanted to play instead of just choosing. That’s lifting while you climb.”

• “I saw you encourage your teammate after they missed that shot. You’re building a stronger team.”

• “You listened to everyone’s ideas before making a plan. That’s exactly how great collaborators lead.”

  ---

5. Taking charge of the inner CEO (Emotional Intelligence)

The Focus: Self-regulation and awareness.

What to look for: Naming feelings, pausing before reacting, and using self-calming strategies.

• “I noticed you took a deep breath when you got frustrated with that puzzle. You’re doing a great job leading your ‘internal weather.’”

• “You recognised that your friend was feeling sad and gave them some space. That’s high-level tuning in.”

• “I’m impressed by how you named your frustration instead of acting on it. Your ‘Inner CEO’ is definitely in charge.”

Finally

By naming these behaviours—whether it’s the Organisation shown in a packed school bag or the Emotional Intelligence used to handle a disappointment—you are giving your child a vocabulary for lifelong success.

You help them see themselves not just as good kids, but as capable leaders.

Leadership isn’t a destination they reach at age eighteen; it’s a muscle they build every time they choose to own a mistake or lift up a friend.

It doesn’t take a massive overhaul of your parenting to raise a leader. It just takes a keen eye for the small things and the right words to reinforce them.

By catching them doing it right today, you are preparing them to lead the way tomorrow.

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Parenthood is a state of mind as much as an activity. It’s an identity that takes some people time to grow into.

I’ve seen my three adult children grow into parenting, much as I did four decades ago. 

A significant part of the parenting mindset involves accepting that there will always be some struggle.

This is beneficial because growth occurs through struggle:

No Hardship. No Learning. No Growth.

Good intentions won’t get you through your parenting struggles. Learning and applying new tools will.

Of course, when you overcome one challenge, another takes its place; such is the nature of the parenting experience.

So you are always learning and adding to your toolbox.

These five struggles are universal but are often overlooked.

1. Time tensions

Lack of time to do everything you want as a parent is a modern phenomenon.

Two decades ago, Quality time was a popular parenting concept. This was a simplistic solution to a complex issue.

What makes up quality time? Is some time spent in the company of children better than other times? Is dressing a toddler less valuable than playing with a toddler? Is time spent driving a teen to a friend’s house a different quality than listening to music together? Does high quality make up for a low quantity of time?

It doesn’t make sense.

Viewing time spent with kids through the relationship lens reveals how to allocate it effectively. If you want a strong bond with a child, the key is to enjoy one-on-one moments with them. It doesn't matter much what you do together, but that you share each other’s company, whether playing, sharing a meal, or walking to school. It’s how children learn about you, and you learn about your child—their interests, personality, and fears.

• First-born and last-born children frequently spend more time one-on-one with a parent than a middle child, so you must be organised or sneaky to ensure that you spend time with this cohort.

One-on-one time is one of the keys to strong relationships between parents and kids.

2. Sibling Squabbles

Question: What causes sibling fighting?

Answer: Having more than one child.

Sibling fighting, arguing, and squabbling are part of the parenting story. Not all siblings fight, but most do at some stage in their relationship. It varies between girls and boys, with the former being more verbal and the latter more physical, as a rule of thumb.

I’ve held seminars, written countless articles, and even written a book on sibling rivalry and the subsequent conflict, but I do not recommend focusing on fighting to parents. It’s a better use of your energy to build strong family connections and a strong family.

• Rituals are vital to building close, harmonious families. Family rituals such as shared mealtimes, celebrations and the unique ways you come together help bond people—families break down when rituals are absent.

• Downtime is the unorganised time when family members are at home together for no particular purpose. Samoan families, like many Polynesian families, are incredibly close. Their strong bonds are attributed to family members spending a lot of time together just enjoying each other’s company. In the highly structured lives of today’s Western families, downtime is a rare commodity, so cherish it when it happens.

3. Behaviour Balance

When I began my career as a parenting educator four decades ago, parenting education was code for behaviour management. Most people who attended a parenting program wanted to know how to raise cooperative, respectful, well-behaved kids.

Parenting education is way more varied now, but poor behaviour remains a core issue for parents.

Who doesn’t enjoy it when your child cooperates with you? No arguing. No procrastination.

Most parents would take a cooperative, well-behaved child any day!

One of my favourite tools for combating poor behaviour and teaching kids how to behave in the moment is the “Quiet Word.”

When your child is less than perfect in public or in private, go close enough for you to talk in hushed tones, touch their shoulder, get down to their level, and let them know that you disapprove of their behaviour and tell them how to behave.

The “Quiet Word” maintains their dignity and helps to keep them calm.

Choose the time and place for the “Quiet Word”. If they are angry or upset, let them calm down on their own before speaking to them.

4. Anxiety Awareness

In my 2019 book Anxious Kids, coauthored with Dr Jodi Richardson, I outlined many reasons why childhood anxiety is going through the roof, including more anxious parents, tight schedules, lack of free play, high expectations and more. Now, you can add COVID-19 lockdowns and social media to this list.

There are many tools parents can teach their kids to help them manage their anxiety, including deep breathing, emotional regulation, spending time in nature, exercise, mindfulness and more complex tools such as meditation and diffusion.

• But the best tool is giving your child a Mega-dose of Independence (thanks to the Anxious Generation for this term).

Independence reduces anxiety by exercising the psychological muscles needed to counteract stress. Most importantly, it builds confidence by exposing individuals to real-life situations unrelated to their fears. For example, if someone fears the dark, they could be asked to walk to the shop to get some milk.

Overall, exposure to new situations involving challenges helps build resilience, confidence, resourcefulness, flexibility, and the ability to take intelligent risks.

5. Agency Advantage

Your job as a parent is to make yourself redundant.

Yep, your job is to work your way out of a job. It’s always been the way, and it should always be.

We’re failing badly.

There are many reasons for this, but we’ve forgotten that our crucial task is to build children’s independence from the earliest possible age.

As families have shrunk in size, we’ve taken on many tasks that kids can do for themselves. If you have a neurodiverse child, your task is still to build their independence from the earliest possible age. You may need a more nuanced toolbox, but your goal is the same.

Want to benchmark your independence-building? Check out how you're faring in one of my most popular articles.

Teaching is the best independence-building tool. My modus operandi for teaching goes like this:

• You watch me.

• You help me.

• I’ll help you.

• I’ll watch you.

This method can be applied to anything, from tidying a bedroom to cooking a meal to walking to school on their own.

There you go—five struggles, six tools.

1. Struggle: Not enough time to build relationships. Solution: One-on-one time.

2. Struggle: Continual conflict between siblings. Solutions: Rituals and downtime to bring your family together.

3. Struggle: Poor behaviour. Solution: The Quiet Word.

4. Struggle: Childhood anxiety. Solution: Build independence.

5. Struggle: Building independence. Solution: Teaching skills to build their capacities.

As usual, don’t take on too much change at once. Pick an area of concern ot importance and start from there.

Think about the obstacles you’ll face or the barriers you must overcome to put the solution in place.

Think about the best way to go about using the accompanying tool.

Start small.

Expect resistance.

Plan for it.

Go for it.

Stick at it.

Look for small improvements at first.

Then prepare for exponential improvement as change gains momentum.

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For over thirty years, I’ve worn two hats: one as a parenting educator helping families thrive, and the other as a specialist in student leadership.

For a long time, these felt like two separate conversations.

But today, those worlds have merged.

Developing leadership in kids isn’t a job solely for teachers or coaches—it’s a fundamental part of modern parenting.

The good news 

You don’t need to sign your child up for expensive weekend seminars or “elite” boot camps. Leadership isn’t an extracurricular activity; it’s woven into the very fabric of your daily life.

From the way you handle a messy bedroom to how you debrief after a tough day at school, you are constantly laying bricks. You are the coach; they are the player. 

It helps to develop a leadership mindset as you navigate the “small things” at home.

Leadership is more than a nice idea.

According to research from the University of Illinois, leadership isn’t an innate “gift”.

Rather, it’s a set of skills cultivated through experiential learning—the kind of “learning by doing” that happens every day in a family home.

Their findings show that when you give kids the tools to manage themselves, their pro-social behaviour skyrockets. Their anxiety levels dip. They feel capable and ready for life.

These sound like pretty good parenting outcomes to me.

My leadership work focuses on five building blocks—presentation skills, responsibility, organisation, teamwork and emotional intelligence.

If you’d like to develop your child’s leadership potential using my five building blocks while you're managing their behaviour, developing their character, and teaching them essential success skills, these five ideas are a great place to start.

As a parent encourage your child to:

1. Speak with presence

Presentation Skills are about more than just public speaking. They are a set of skills used to project confidence.

Start by teaching your child to stand with their shoulders back and maintain eye contact. This sends a strong signal to their brains about their self-worth and capability.

Try it at the dinner table. Ask them to describe their day in a clear voice. No mumbling allowed. This builds the “outer shell” of leadership. It ensures their substance is actually heard. Small wins matter. Success leaves clues.

2. Own the results of your choices

Responsibility is the heavyweight among leadership capabilities.

In a world of “it wasn’t my fault,” you want to raise the person who says, “the buck stops here.” This means moving beyond just “doing chores.” It’s about fostering an ownership mindset.

When your child realises their soccer boots didn’t just “disappear” but were left in the park, let them feel that weight. Don’t rush to save them. They need to find the solution.

Responsibility is the bridge between being a passive observer and being in the driver’s seat.

It builds grit.

Ownership changes everything.

3. Map the path to the goal

Organisation is your child’s secret weapon.

They can have all the vision in the world, but if they can’t find their homework, that vision stays stuck in their head. You can teach this by respecting time and space in your daily routine.

Have them plan the steps needed for a weekend project. Or perhaps they handle the grocery list for one meal. This is how you turn a chaotic “maybe” into a structured “done.”

It is the discipline of preparation. It prevents the panic of the last minute.

Structure creates freedom. Simple beats complex.

(An aside: You may notice that boys need this type of assistance more than girls. They require a great deal of patient coaching in personal organisation. The use of visual aids such as charts, posters, and the like makes this easier for boys.)

4. Lift the people around them

Teamwork is where leadership meets the real world.

From a child’s perspective, teamwork is best expressed as developing a sense of ‘we’ rather than ‘me’.

There are many opportunities to reinforce this notion within a family, including

• Kids helping at home without being paid.

• A child helps a sibling who is struggling.

• A child joins a family activity, even when it doesn’t suit.

Helping your child recognise and bring out the best in siblings and peers is teamwork at its finest.

5. Tune into their internal compass

Emotional Intelligence is the final, and perhaps most vital, building block.

If your child cannot lead themselves, they cannot lead anyone else.

Help them label the heat of anger or the fog of sadness. When they pause before reacting, they demonstrate the highest form of intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is the building block that keeps the other four from crumbling when things get tough.

Self-awareness is powerful.

Help your child control the inside first.

Finally……

Raising a young leader isn’t about preparing the path for your child. It’s about preparing your child for the path.

By focusing on these five building blocks in your daily life, you give them a toolkit that works in the classroom, the boardroom, and everywhere in between.

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Developing and maintaining friendships is a dynamic process.

And that can present headaches for parents.

Most children experience some form of peer rejection throughout childhood.

One study found that even popular children were rejected about one quarter of the time when they approached children in school.

Most children experience social rejection and recover from it.

They move on and form constructive, worthwhile relationships with like-minded children, but some children benefit from additional support or coaching.

Several studies indicate that children can be coached in friendship skills; a supportive friendship coach can make a significant difference.

The strategies are simple and focus on teaching children a range of friendly behaviours, such as talking with others while playing, showing interest in others, smiling, offering help and encouragement when needed, being willing to share, and learning how to enter a game or social situation.

It is also useful to teach children alternatives to fighting and arguing when disagreements arise within groups.

Gender, giftedness and birth order matter

Gender impacts the ability to make friends. Girls are further advanced along the stages of friendship than boys during the primary school years.

Many boys need a parent to be their social coach, constantly reminding them of friendly behaviours and providing social scripts for tricky social situations, such as meeting a new friend, asking an adult for help and saying No to a peer or sibling who teases.

Gifted children are often further advanced along the continuum of friendship behaviours than their peers. They seek more intimate friendships at a much younger age than their peers. This challenges the perception that gifted children have poor social skills; it appears they have a different concept of friendship than those around them.

My birth order research reveals that second and middle children generally have more friends than firstborns. They are more adaptable and welcoming of children with different interests. Their negotiation skills, needed in the hurly-burly of playground politics, are more advanced, honed by years of practice of negotiating to get their needs met under the competitive eye of a firstborn.

Eldest children are more likely to be introverted, preferring to spend time with a smaller number of friends.

Regardless, all children benefit from exposure to supportive adults adept in coaching them in the art of making and keeping friends.

Coaching kids in the art of making and keeping friends

Here are ten ideas to help you coach your child in the art of making friends:

1. Put friendships on the conversation table

Establish a dialogue with your child about friendships so you can offer support when difficulties arise and provide ideas when needed.

Be upfront with your child and discuss the importance of building connections with children both inside and outside school.

Talk, don’t lecture.

Open lines of communication before children enter adolescence.

2. Identify what may be holding a child back

Identify and discuss any behaviour, such as teasing, bullying or self-centredness, that may prevent your child from making friends.

Sometimes a child’s remarks can irritate others to the extent that he or she is ostracised.

Others struggle sharing information about themselves, which is a no-no in the give-and-take game of friendships.

Don’t be squeamish. Be upfront with your child.

If they’re not great sharers, let them know, then set up situations that require them to share.

3. Put your coaching hat on

Teach social skills such as starting a conversation, being a good winner and loser, and holding others' interest during a conversation.

Playing games with family members is a great way for kids to pick up many of these skills.

Overt teaching - “Next time you want to play a game with……try……”

There are many ways to help kids acquire those skills. Including workshopping………

4. Workshop tricky scenarios

The social world for many children is far more challenging than the academic world.

Math is a breeze compared to meeting new friends, saying no to peer pressure or letting a friend know that their behaviour is annoying.

It helps to workshop different scenarios with kids, providing them with social scripts and alternative behaviours that they can try in sticky situations.

Next time they come to you with a problem, try workshopping different solutions with them.

5. Focus on soft power

Some children (okay, usually firstborns) struggle with keeping friends as they often use assertion (and aggression) rather than adaptability when they don’t get their own way.

Full-on assertion (”do it my way”) usually meets with rejection at some point.

Undoubtedly, soft power wins in the long run in the friendship arena.

Kids who can adapt, use humour, have a positive attitude, are helpful, and know how to stand up for themselves when behaviour is unjust or unfair do well with friendships.

These are all soft power skills that are the domain of firstborn girls, some secondborns and most youngest children.

6. Teach your child how to read the room

Children who struggle to make friends often charge in too quickly or hover too far away in play or social situations.

It helps to teach them to “read the room” in social situations. Encourage them to watch a group for 30 seconds to identify the game being played and the overall “vibe” before making an approach to join in.

This gives slow-to-warm-up personality types the chance to feel comfortable (and weigh different social options) in new situations and environments.

By coaching them to look for a natural entry point- like offering to retrieve a stray ball- you help them avoid the social friction that comes from awkward interruptions.

7. Leverage the “home ground” advantage

Social anxiety is often lower in a familiar environment.

Organise a “micro-playdate” with just one other child at your home, centred around a structured activity like Lego or baking. This controlled setting enables you to use friendship coaching in real time.

If a conflict arises over sharing, you can quietly pull your child aside to validate their frustration while helping them navigate the social “repair” needed to keep the play session going.

8. Develop a host mindset in your child

If your child likes to take charge and struggles with sharing, teach them how to be a good host.

Start by asking, “What does a good host do?” Make a list of behaviours that make others comfortable at home and in their company.

This shifts their focus from their own comfort to others’ comfort, building a foundation of empathy and emotional regulation.

9. Get them out and about

Encourage your child to participate in out-of-school activities or groups that offer opportunities to meet new people outside their school peer groups.

Friendships formed through shared interests are often very strong.

Birds of a feather flock together, so it’s more likely for children to find soul mates through shared hobbies and activities. Certainly, more likely than sitting at home in their bedroom………

10. Limit solitary activities

Alone time is really important for kids. It gives them the chance to process their day, relax, and feel comfortable in their own skin. However, it’s a balancing act.

Too much alone time means your child doesn’t have the opportunity to develop the basic skills they need to navigate the social world.

These skills don’t develop in a vacuum.

They develop through trial and error (and supportive coaching) in real-life, person-to-person situations.

So don’t be afraid to say “enough alone time.” Invite (or insist) them/they join the social world one interaction at a time.

Finally

Your goal as parents isn’t to collect friends for your children. It’s to help them develop the social “muscles” to connect when they want to, and the self-worth to be comfortable being alone.

Helping a child find their tribe is rarely about a single “grand gesture”; it is found in quiet, consistent social interactions in familiar and unfamiliar situations, as well as in supportive friendship coaching.

As you guide them through these challenges, remember that you aren’t just helping them find a friend for today—you are equipping them with the emotional intelligence to lead and connect for a lifetime.

Stay patient, keep the dialogue open, and celebrate the small “social wins.”

Their confidence will grow, one conversation, one interaction and one friendly gesture at a time.

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"I can’t believe he’d do that!”

This was Katie’s first thought when the primary school principal phoned to tell her about her son’s poor behaviour.

Ten-year-old Jai, along with some other boys, had mercilessly teased a classmate to the point that he refused to come to school.

Katie thanked the principal for letting her know, apologised on her son’s behalf, and said she’d handle it from there.

Katie experienced the full gamut of emotions, including: shock (“How could he?”), shame (“I'm ashamed of him?”), guilt (Where did I go wrong?), denial (“No, he wouldn’t do that!”), and finally acceptance (“Yes, he has made someone else feel unsafe.”)

What happened next was a masterclass in turning misbehaviour into a teachable moment for her son.

Katie wasn’t aware of it at the time, but she followed a 3-Step Teachable Moment Process that ensured her son felt listened to, was held accountable for his behaviour, and learned how to respond differently next time.

This process dealt with the past, present and future.

It’s non-accusatory, respectful and practical.

And it deepens rather than harms your relationship with your child.

Step 1: Explore what happened

Katie calmed herself and approached her son, who was playing quietly in his bedroom.

She sat down on the edge of his bed and told him what the principal had told her.

Jai’s first response was denial.

Katie was unconvinced.

His shoulders dropped, and he owned up to what he had done.

Katie then asked him to tell her exactly what had happened. She learned that her son joined two other boys in teasing their classmate unrelentingly, both inside the classroom and in the playground. While not the instigator, he happily followed along.

She knew her son was easily led, so his story made sense to her. He behaved less from malice and more to seek status among his peers.

Step 2: Make amends

Katie let her son know his behaviour was not okay.

She calmly reminded her son that everyone needs to feel safe at school and that his teasing had caused another child to feel unsafe.

What she said next was powerful.

“You need to make this right. You need to fix this.”

It was not about shaming him or punishing him.

It was about ensuring he takes responsibility for his actions through restitution.

In this case, Katie believed her son should make a heartfelt apology, stating what he did wrong, and reassuring the classmate that it won’t happen again.

Katie gave her son three suggestions to help him along: “You can either apologise by telephone, in person or record a video and send it to him.”

Jai chose to record a video.

Katie helped him work out what he should say and recorded his apology on her mobile phone.

Step 3: Workshop alternative responses

Katie found out what her son had done and made sure he made amends. It would have been easy for her to stop there.

But she went one step further to ensure Jai learns something positive from this situation.

Knowing her son could be easily led, she wanted to make sure he was equipped with some tools to help him respond next time he’s tempted (or invited) to join in and behave poorly.

Katie’s no fool. She knows there will be a next time.

They discussed different scenarios and possible responses Jai could use to avoid being drawn into situations he didn’t feel comfortable with.

They stopped when Katie was satisfied that Jai had several options to help him resist peer pressure to act up.

Recapping the process

Katie’s approach to discipline was pragmatic and educative.

It’s guided by the knowledge of two things.

First, good kids sometimes do bad/dumb/thoughtless things. So don’t be shocked or go into denial if your child doesn’t do something you're not proud of.

Second, children wear L Plates when navigating tricky social situations. To help your child navigate tricky social situations, take an educational, non-punitive approach.

When your child is involved in significant misbehaviour that harms another person’s rights, is unsafe, or is just downright stupid, take this pragmatic, educative approach.

Step 1: Explore what happened

Focus on the past. Discover the facts from your child’s perspective as well as from other people’s perspectives.

Key questions: What happened? What’s your child’s place in the misbehaviour? What were you thinking and feeling at the time?

Step 2: Make amends

Focus on the present. Help your child take responsibility and make amends. Put consequences in place.

Key questions: How can you make this right? How can you fix this?

Step 3: Workshop alternative responses

Focus on the future. Help your child learn from this mistake.

Key questions: What will you do differently next time? How can we help you make sure this doesn’t happen again?

Finally….

There is considerable confusion among parents right now about the role of discipline in parenting.

So let’s be clear.

Discipline has a prominent place on the parenting process.

However, discipline in 2026 is less about punishment and more helping your child be social, safe and fit into a civil society.

That’s a return to the essence of discipline - the term derives from the Latin meaning to teach.

Yes, discipline is a continuous educational process, and part of that process is turning misbehaviour into a learning opportunity.

And yes, some kids offer more learning opportunities than others.

That’s the way of parenting.

Frustrating? Yes.

But so rewarding when you see the results of your hard parenting efforts, usually much further down the track.

Hang in there, and the results will come.

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Feeling time-poor?

Got too many things on the go?

Never seem to be able to make time for your partner or kids?

If you nodded your head to any of these questions, then you’re not alone.

Lack of time and competing priorities have long prevented parents from being the kind of parents we all aim to be.

But there’s a solution…..and it’s not Quality Time.

My research into busy working parents revealed four key strategies for building a strong, happy, and healthy family.

Let’s explore these four tools together and discover how you can apply them to your family.

Tool # 1: One-on-One Time

The best way to build relationships with kids is to spend time with them.

I’m not talking about grand gestures such as going to the movies, although, as I’ll mention further on, that has its part.

Rather, the ordinary, everyday interactions you have with kids are key to relationship-building.

In my work with Australian children, I heard repeated stories about the simple times they spend with a parent doing every day stuff.

Getting breakfast.

Playing a game.

Watching a program together online or on TV.

Going for a walk.

It was always the everyday, low or no-cost activities they enjoyed one-on-one with a parent. Not with the whole gang.

Don’t let your partner explain your kids to you

Some parents have relationships with their kids vicariously through their partners- who spend a great deal of their time explaining the kids to them (“You know, Benny had a bad day at school today….”) and vice versa (“Your father is very busy at the moment”).

That’s not how relationships work.

Some parents are permanently separated from their kids due to work or other circumstances, which is incredibly tough.

If this is you, then make the most of the time you are together. Look for opportunities to spend time with each child individually.

Establish personal rituals that link you with each child, even when you’re not around. (More about this below)

Remember middle children

The research shows that eldest children and youngest children receive more one-on-one time with parents than middle children.

You may need to intentionally ask middle children to accompany you to the supermarket, or invite them to play a game with you.

Don’t leave bonding to chance.

Expert tips for One-on-One Time

1. Choose the same place: Recall a place or space where you experience successful connections with your child. You will have one. It may be a chair, a couch or a play space outside. Return to this place when you want to talk or feel at peace with your child.

2. Understand their connection preferences: Dr. Gary Chapman's work on love languages is profound. My three kids prefer to connect in different ways, and understanding this has been a real bonus. One enjoys chatting, another loves doing activities together, and the third responds to acts of service. Aligning with their love languages makes bonding easier.

3. Do things you enjoy with your child: Two reasons for this. First, when you share your passions, things you love or the activities you want, you are more likely to loosen up, relax and show your human side. Second, kids love it when you share something of yourself with them. It builds their sense of belonging and deepens their connection to you.

Tool # 2: Family Rituals

Rituals bind families together.

Without them, families inevitably break down.

Popular Australian Parenting educator Maggie Dent says, “Family rituals are positive, which strengthen the sense of warm connectedness in families. This makes sense, given that the number one biological need for every human is the hunger to belong, and to be accepted, valued and loved.”

So what makes a family ritual?

It’s anything that brings a family together regularly, whether to celebrate something special, such as a birthday, or other celebrations.

Make rituals your own

My family has developed its own set of rituals, including how we celebrate birthdays - yep, they are weird, noisy, with a silly version of the Happy Birthday song, and we also celebrate Christmas and other times of the year.

Regular mealtimes are the most critical ritual your family can have. There’s a high correlation between families that eat together at least five times a week and good mental health in teenagers.

This is presumably because parents can monitor their teens’ mental health more easily in this setting.

So when life is busy and catching up with everyone is hard, it’s the simple family rituals you’ve put in place that pull you all together.

• Your rituals are the super-glue that bonds you together into a tight family unit.

Expert tips for family rituals

1. Establish negotiables and non-negotiables: Work with children to determine which rituals they must attend and which they can miss. This is important for teenagers, whose social and school lives are increasingly busy. For instance, being home for a sibling’s birthday is non-negotiable; however, attending an aunt’s birthday may be negotiable.

2. Be flexible: Adapt your rituals to suit your family’s lifestyle. For instance, for many years I spoke to parents in schools and the community up to three nights a week, which made shared evening mealtimes with my family difficult. Our solution was to “do” mealtimes at breakfast. Slow and leisurely…..to a point…was the go. They were more than a fuel stop, as most breakfasts seem to be.

3. Make sure they happen: One thing stood out in my research into family rituals - they rarely occurred by accident. It usually took a parent—usually a mother—to ensure they happened and that everyone showed up.

Tool # 3: Personal Rituals

What interactions with you do your kids look forward to? Which interactions can they rely on?

Is it a Saturday morning walk? An evening bedtime story? Watching a game of sport together each week?

While one-on-one time is generally random, built on the bedrock of good intentions, personal rituals are set in stone. By their nature, they always happen.

• Kids can rely on them. That’s their magic.

They bring predictability to your relationships. They show you are reliable. They help build their sense of security and safety.

Expert tips for personal rituals

1. Turn routines into rituals: Bedtime routines that include reading to children or singing special bedtime songs or even just lying beside your child do far more than help your child fall asleep. When these routines are repeated, they create neural pathways that enhance loving connection.

As a grandparent, I always made sure I was the one who bathed my grandkids when they were little, as it was the only chance I had to spend time with them alone. I was the ‘bathguy’ whenever they stayed over on visits. (Explanation: two of my kids live a long way from us, so they inevitably stay over on family visits.)

2. Make them special: If one-on-one is grounded in the everyday, personal rituals can be special events. A date with a teenager once a month, an ice cream with a young child each weekend, a special birthday movie once a year - are examples of special rituals that both you and your children will long remember.

3. Create greeting rituals: Welcoming and farewelling rituals for each child is essential. How you welcome and reconnect with children after a day away shows them that you have missed them and still love them.

With young children, leave a kiss on their palm. For others, there are special handshakes and or that oldie (but a goldie) “See you later alligator” to which they naturally reply, “in a while, crocodile.”

Tool # 4: Downtime

Pacific Islander cultures (e.g. Samoan, Tongan, Maori) are renowned for their strong family ties.

One feature they share is spending a great deal of time together, including extended family members. They don’t just gather for celebrations or special events; they go about their everyday lives, enjoying each other’s company.

My research on busy families found that close families in Western countries shared one factor that enabled the type of closeness evident in Pacific Islander families. They enjoyed downtime (also known as Mooch time) together.

Families who enjoyed some downtime together on a regular basis appeared happier and more tolerant of each other. They had closer ties, shared mutual interests and generally enjoyed each other’s company.

Downtime is the period spent together when little is happening. Family members are going about their lives, and interactions feel natural rather than contrived.

Lazy Sundays, easy evenings, do-nothing-much holidays here we come!!!

Expert tips for down-time:

1. Recognise its importance: Doing nothing can seem like a luxury, particularly when there are jobs to be done, or work is calling you. But regular time in the evening or at weekends, where nothing productive seems to be done, is good for your mental health and a boon for family relationships.

2. Guard it: Don’t be afraid to make a call on a child’s second/third organised activity for a day that takes you and/or them away from some downtime. Families in perpetual motion can easily grind to a halt and need someone to keep the guardrails up.

3. Organise it: If all else fails, call time on everyone being off in every direction and organise a family weekend away every so often so people can chill and enjoy each other’s company. The best parenting is intentional rather than accidental when it comes to building strong family bonds in this current era.

Putting It Into Practice

Okay, time get practical and create some change - if that’s what’s needed. Revisit the 4 tools above and answer these three questions:

1. What’s working?

Which of these tools is working for you at the moment? It may help to rank them by effectiveness.

2. What’s not working?

Which tools are either not in place or are not working for you? What are the barriers to success?

3. What will you work on?

Choose one tool to work on. Make it a focus of your attention over the next fortnight. Make a plan to put that tool into action. Plan how to handle any barriers.

Make a start

The most important part of forming a new habit is starting! If you want to start establishing family mealtimes, then start with one a week. Make it non-negotiable.

Start small. Experience success.

Repeat.

Then repeat and expand.

Now get cracking! You’ve important work to do.

Let me know how you went.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments or questions.

Know anyone who’d benefit from reading Parenting Toolbox?

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I’ve been thinking about this a great deal lately:

“How can parents build the internal engine that allows their child to function without over-servicing them?”

The answer lies in a fundamental shift in how we view the parenting role.

Is it that of the mechanic who constantly tunes the engine, or the engineer who designs the engine to run on its own?

The mechanic role maintains a culture of Dependency, while the engineer role shifts to a culture of Redundancy.

It is a journey that requires parents to let go of the need to be needed.

Yes, it’s nice to be needed, but more satisfying to see your child develop autonomy and agency over their life.

Here are the five building blocks of the Redundancy Roadmap that will help you build your child’s strong, self-sustaining internal engine:

1. Build capacity through “safe struggle”

Struggle is a dirty word in the age of convenience and quick fixes.

But it’s through friction that real growth occurs.

Your child’s internal engine won’t start if it’s never had to overcome resistance.

Capacity is the emotional grit your child develops when they face a challenge and realise they didn’t break.

Try this: Apply the 10-Second Pause. When your child fumbles, don’t rescue. That silence is the ignition. It’s the moment they realise the solution must come from within them, not from you.

2. Install the “three before me” process

An engine needs a troubleshooting manual.

If your child’s first instinct is to yell for “Mum” or “Dad” the moment a problem arises, they aren’t using their own cognitive fuel.

They are passing their problem to you to own……..and fix.

As I’ve said so often…. “if you want your child to be resourceful, you need to put them in a position to develop their resources.”

That means giving them a chance to solve their own problems- whether social, learning or behavioural.

Try this: Teach them to breathe, brainstorm, and try before they seek a parental “consult.” This process shifts the labour from your shoulders to their brains, building neural pathways for self-sufficiency.

3. Shift to consultant leadership

A parent manager tells kids what to do; a parent consultant asks what the plan is.

To build an internal engine, you will need to stop being the “Command and Control” centre of your family.

That’s not about abrogating your authority.

It’s using a different method- questions and simple cues- to encourage kids to take charge of their own lives and reduce their dependency on you.

Try this: Use Consultant Language. Replace “Don’t forget your bag” with “What’s your plan for being organised for school today?” When you ask the question, you force them to engage their own internal drive.

4. Foster domestic competence

You can’t expect a child to feel powerful in the world if they are powerless in their own home.

True competence is built through contribution.

Yes, kids should help at home without being paid and start to take care of their own daily routines.

Try this: Apply the “Never Do” Rule to household life. If they can make the toast, clear the plate, or sort the laundry, then it’s time to teach them. These aren’t just chores; they are the “maintenance checks” that prove to the child they are a capable, contributing member of the family.

5. Hand over responsibilties one task at a time

Self-sufficiency isn’t a light switch; it’s a dimmer.

To build a reliable internal engine, you have to gradually increase the voltage.

Try this: Identify one area where you are currently “over-servicing”—perhaps it’s managing their homework schedule or their social calendar—and officially hand it over. Then build from there. Give them the Power to fail, to fix it, and eventually, to fly.

Finally……

Building your child's internal engine is a gradual process: one problem, one task and one job at a time. It requires self-discipline to step back so children have room to step up.

When we stop over-servicing, we stop growing fragile children and start raising “can-do” kids.

We also trade the exhaustion of being a 24-hour concierge for the deep satisfaction of seeing children stand on their own two feet.

Know someone who would benefit from reading this article? Sharing is easy.

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