In our book Anxious Kids, Dr. Jodi Richardson and I wrote about the “gut feelings” and “lump in the throat” children experience when nervous.

Far from being mere figures of speech, these sensations are the physical signatures of the vagus nerve—the longest and most influential nerve in the human body. Understanding how this nerve functions is essential to knowing how to calm an anxious child.

For parents navigating child anxiety, this internal superhighway acts as the ultimate reset button, shifting a child from panic to connection.

It serves as the brake pedal for the fight-or-flight response, physically slowing the heart rate and signaling safety to the brain.

Just like regular muscles, this nerve requires conditioning to maintain high “vagal tone,” which allows children to recover quickly from stressful events.

The good news is that you can actively strengthen this system.

By implementing specific vagus nerve exercises—such as slow, deep diaphragmatic breathing, humming, or cold-water splashes—you can instantly trigger a state of relaxation.

Furthermore, practising intentional co-regulation strategies allows your own calm presence to soothe your child’s nervous system, lending them your stability when they need it most.

It is the reset button that shifts a child from panic to calm and connection.

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What is the Vagus Nerve?

Think of the vagus nerve as a high-speed internal superhighway.

It starts at the base of the brain and winds its way down through the neck, heart, and lungs, all the way to the gut. Its primary job is to act as the commander of the Parasympathetic Nervous System—the rest-and-digest system.

When a child feels anxious, their fight-or-flight response takes over.

Their heart races, their breathing gets shallow, and their brain yells, “Danger!”

The vagus nerve is the brake pedal.

When it’s activated, it sends a signal to the brain saying, “It’s okay, we’re safe now,” which physically slows the heart and relaxes the muscles.

Tone is Everything

In the world of neuroscience, we talk about vagal tone.

Just like we exercise our muscles to keep them strong, we want children to have high vagal tone.

A child with high vagal tone can recover quickly from a stressful event. They might get a fright, but their body brakes effectively, and they return to calm within minutes.

A child with low vagal tone stays revved up long after the threat has passed. Being able to shift the vagal tone in children is a significant parenting and teaching tool.

The good news?

You can help your child tone this nerve through simple, daily habits.

5 ways to stimulate the calm command

You don’t need a medical degree to help your child manage their vagus nerve. You just need to know some vagus nerve exercises for anxiety.

Many of the tools we discussed in Anxious Kids work specifically because they stimulate this nerve.

1. Breathe low and slow

The vagus nerve runs right through the diaphragm.

When children take deep, belly-expanding breaths, they physically stimulate the nerve, sending an immediate message of safety to the brain. 

Here’s how: Encourage Box breathing or “blowing out the candle.” The key is to make the exhale longer than the inhale, as the exhale triggers the vagal brake.

2. Splash some cold water

A splash of cold water on a child’s face does more than make them shudder.

It acts as a biological circuit breaker.

Cold water activates a primitive reflex that quickly slows the heart rate through the vagus nerve to conserve energy and calm the system. 

Here’s how: If your child is spiralling into an anxious state, have them splash ice-cold water on their face or hold a cold, damp cloth to the back of their neck. It’s an instant physical reset for a racing heart.

3. Hmmmm, sing that song

Sounds strange, but humming works!

Because the vagus nerve links to the vocal cords and the muscles at the back of the throat, vibration acts as a strong stimulant.

That’s why humming often feels naturally calming during stressful times.

Here’s how: You don’t need to be a choir leader. Humming a low tune, gargling water after brushing your teeth, or even chanting “Om” together produces a vibration that directly stimulates the nerve.

4. Move mindfully

As we’ve long championed, movement is medicine to an anxious child (and adult).

Yoga, stretching, or simply hanging upside down on the monkey bars alters the pressure in the chest and abdomen, which the vagus nerve continuously monitors. 

Here’s how: When the worry bugs bite, get them moving. A few minutes of stretching, a bear crawl across the living room floor, or a rhythmic walk can be enough to shift the nervous system out of high alert.

5. Hug, laugh and connect

This is the part I love.

The vagus nerve is a crucial part of our Social Engagement System. Yes, it helps us connect to others. Build relationships. Forge friendships

It connects to the muscles in the face and middle ear, meaning it constantly scans for signals of safety from others. 

Here’s how: Laughter is a strong vagal stimulant because it involves rhythmic contractions of the diaphragm. Similarly, a long, heart-to-heart hug (holding for at least 20 seconds) releases oxytocin and tells the vagus nerve that it’s safe to reduce the stress response.

Co-regulation - your job as a parent

Perhaps the most important thing to know is that the vagus nerve is social. It is constantly scanning the environment—and you—for cues of safety.

When you stay calm, lower your voice, and maintain a steady gaze, your child’s vagus nerve reads your calm and begins to mirror it. It’s one of the best co-regulation strategies you can use.

This is why your own Parental Reset is so vital.

You aren’t just teaching them to be calm; you are literally lending them your nervous system until theirs is strong enough to take the lead.

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Of all the tools in a parent’s toolbox, there is one that stands taller than the rest.

It isn’t the ability to craft a perfect consequence, nor is it the knack for persuasive storytelling.

The skill I admire most—and the one that serves as the bedrock for all effective guidance—is composure.

In the heat of a child or family meltdown, composure is the circuit breaker.

Why Composure is A Parent’s Best Friend

Parents always achieve better results when they exert a steady influence rather than unnecessary pressure.

In a family context, composure is your greatest source of influence.

When a child is spiralling into a tantrum or a teenager is testing a boundary with red-hot intensity, they are looking for a steady point of reference.

If you meet their big emotions with high-volume reactions of your own, you give your child control over your emotions.

And yes, they’ll press those buttons as hard as they can.

But by maintaining your composure, you retain the lead.

You show them that while their feelings are big, they are not big enough to break the adult in the room.

Understand the Mechanics of a Calm Brain

Composure is not the absence of feeling; it is the mastery of it.

It’s a form of parental self-discipline that prioritises long-term relationships over the short-term impulse to win an argument, or not let your child get the better of you.

Parents who can maintain their composure adopt a leadership mindset. They know that the leader in any group is not the loudest, noisiest or brashest person, but the calmest and most composed.

When you stay calm, you operate from your prefrontal cortex - the logical, rational part of your brain.

This allows you to use emotion coaching, where you acknowledge your child’s frustration (”I can see you’re really upset that we have to leave”) without getting sucked into the vortex of the conflict or their upset.

When you lose composure, you operate from your limbic region, that part of your brain responsible for the fight-or-flight response.

And that’s when your rational thinking goes out the window (along with your dignity and empathy for your child’s plight)

There’s only one part of the brain to engage when you want composure - the pre-frontal cortex.

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The Building Blocks of a Composed Response

Developing this level of restraint doesn’t happen overnight.

It requires a commitment to a few core concepts and skills:

• The Pause: One of the most powerful tools in parenting is the three-second gap between a child’s provocation and your response. This pause is where composure resides. Develop the habit of stopping, looking away and taking a few deep breaths before responding to a child’s provocation. Practise this in non-stress situations.

• The Leaders’ Mindset: Instead of seeing a child’s behaviour as a personal attack, see it as a lack of skill. This shift in perspective makes it much easier to stay calm and helpful.

• Positive Discipline: Composure allows you to be firm and kind at the same time. You can enforce a boundary without the side-serving of anger that often causes children to shut down or rebel.

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Model for the Future

You are your children’s primary social teacher.

If you want them to handle stress with grace and composure, they need to see what that looks like in practice.

When you choose composure over impulsivity, you don’t merely solve a problem in the moment; you provide a blueprint for your child’s future resilience.

You teach them that power doesn’t come from who can shout the loudest, but from who can remain the steadiest.

Yes, it can be hard to maintain composure under pressure, especially when you're tired and stressed.

But composure takes practice, so it becomes your default response when the you-know-what hits the fan.

Finally…

Great parenting is rarely about being perfect.

It’s about doing the little things consistently well.

Next time the tension rises in your household, take a breath and remember: your composure is the greatest gift you can give your child in that moment.

It’s the silent signal that says, “I’ve got this, and I’ve got you.”

That’s exactly what your child needs when the heat is on.

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In the heat of a parenting moment, it’s easy to feel like you’re losing the battle.

You’ve asked your eldest to stop pestering his brother three times, but the poking continues.

He’s revved up, defiant, and quite clearly, he isn’t in the driver’s seat of his own behaviour anymore.

When a child loses control, nagging doesn’t work.

Threatening doesn’t work. You need to stop nagging because that doesn’t work.

What they need is a circuit breaker - a chance to reset.

The Power of the Reset -Positive Discipline

The Reset is a sophisticated evolution of the old-fashioned Time-out.

While a Time-out is often seen as a punishment, a Reset is an opportunity to shift their cognitive and emotional states.

A reset in positive discipline is a return to a calm state, which enables a child to think differently or more clearly.

When you say, “Go to your room and reset,” you acknowledge that they are currently unable to make good choices.

They aren’t naughty; they are dysregulated.

The room isn’t a prison; it’s a quiet space to lower the heart rate and get their brain back online.

The magic of the Reset lies in the return.

Don’t set a kitchen timer.

Instead, put the onus on them: “Come back out when you feel calm and ready to be part of the family again.” This shifts the focus from external compliance to internal self-regulation—the very cornerstone of agency and self-discipline.

Here’s how.

To reset, a child should:

1. Isolate themselves - go somewhere quiet- a bedroom or calm space.

2. Close their eyes - to remove visual distractions and access the part of the brain that governs emotions.

3. Take some belly breaths - to calm the fight-or-flight response.

4. Return when they feel calm and relaxed - they should feel their shoulders slump.

Practise this with your child in low or no-stress situations.

The ability to reset after poor behaviour, an anxious moment or experiencing self-doubt is one of the most important tools to give your child.

Here are five more.

Five more discipline tools that work

To parent with authority and empathy, you need a broad kit of tools and strategies that prioritise teaching over mere stopping.

Here are five essential tools to help you gain cooperation and foster character without the shouting matches.

1. Employ the broken record technique

Arguments require two people.

When a child tries to draw you into a negotiation over a non-negotiable rule, don’t take the bait.

State your requirement calmly and repeat it verbatim if challenged, such as saying, “I hear you, but it’s bedtime.”

Don’t vary your response. Stick to the script.

This prevents the logic-loop where you try to justify yourself to a child who isn’t ready to listen.

2. Check for the gap

Often, we discipline the behaviour without checking the underlying capability.

If a child consistently fails at a task, like packing up their Lego, there may be a gap in their organisational skills, or the environment may simply be too overwhelming.

Before moving to a consequence, ask: “Do you need a hand to get started, or can you do this on your own?”

This offers a scaffold of support without rescuing them, ensuring the child is set up for success rather than frustration-induced failure.

3. Use logical consequences

For discipline to stick and feel fair, the price must match the crime.

If a child treats their bike poorly, the bike is put away for the afternoon; if they make a mess, they clean it up.

Focus on the Three R’s: ensuring the consequence is Related, Respectful, and Reasonable.

This teaches accountability by showing the child that their actions have a functional, natural impact on their world, rather than just being a random act of parental power.

4. Just walk away (Parental Reset)

Sometimes, the person who needs the Reset most is the one standing in the doorway.

If you feel your own thermostat rising to a boiling point, the best leadership move is to temporarily withdraw before you lose your cool.

State your boundary clearly—“I’m feeling too frustrated to talk about this right now, I’m going to the kitchen to calm down”—and leave the room.

You are modelling the exact emotional regulation you want to see in your children, showing them that it’s okay to step away when things get heated.

And that is parenting at its finest.

5. Use behavioural scripting

When a child uses an inappropriate tone or makes an inappropriate demand, they often simply haven’t yet downloaded the correct social script.

Instead of just saying “Don’t be rude,” give them the exact words they should use, such as, “Try that again. Say: ‘Mum, can I please have a turn when you’re finished?’”

This shifts the interaction from a conflict to a coaching session, while keeping a connection with your child.

It works because it replaces a negative behaviour with a functional positive one, giving them the social skills they need to succeed in the future.

Finally

The ultimate aim of the authoritative parent isn’t to control your child; it’s to teach them to control themselves.

By using tools like the Reset, you move away from being a policeman (and judge and jury) and become a coach.

Next time the house feels like it’s spinning out of control, don’t join the chaos.

Keep your composure.

Hold the line with calmness, and trust that every time you stay calm, you are building your child’s capacity to do the same.

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In my work, I meet many exhausted parents, but it isn’t from a lack of good intentions.

It’s from a lack of leadership.

They’ve traded their authority for never-ending negotiations, and the result is a generation of children who feel like they’re in charge of a ship they don’t know how to steer.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when negotiation is fine.

It can be a good management technique, particularly over non-essential issues - “Should we have tacos or pasta tonight?” or “What movie should we see?”

But important issues like behaviour, safety and values aren’t up for negotiation - this includes bedtimes, wearing safety belts and how we speak to each other.

If you feel like you’re working harder than your child to manage their behaviour, the balance is off.

Stop being the negotiator and start being the firm, authoritative leader.

Authoritative parenting isn’t about getting tough—it’s about being the sturdy lighthouse your child needs to find their way through the fog.

Here are five tools to help you lead the way and avoid negotiating the non-negotiables.

1. Use Declarative Language

Don’t ask your child for permission to lead.

When you frame every instruction as a question, you invite a power struggle that shouldn’t exist.

When giving an instruction, lower your pitch, use fewer words, and state the expectation as a fact. For example, instead of asking, "Can you put your shoes on now?" try stating: "It’s time to put your shoes on. We are leaving in five minutes." This subtle shift establishes you as the person in charge, removing unnecessary friction.

Provide your child with the structure they need to feel secure, rather than seeking consensus on house rules.

Here’s how: “It’s time to pack up. We are leaving in five minutes.” Lower your voice, use fewer words, and state the facts.

2. Be the Thermostat, Not the Thermometer

A child in meltdown is like a fire.

The flames spread quickly.

And you can’t put out a fire with more fire.

If you allow your own frustration to mirror theirs, you lose the ability to guide them back to calm.

Your stability is the anchor they need when their emotions overwhelm them.

Use your physical presence to lower the temperature. Be the mood you want to see in your child.

Here’s how: Stay physically still. Breathe. Move away momentarily if you still can’t calm down. Speak low and slow to reconnect with your child.

(An aside: Practise speaking low and slow in non-stress situations. If you want to be heard when your children are noisy, lower your voice. It’s anti-intuitive, but it works)

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3. Remember, “When/Then” is Your Best Friend

I’ve noticed over the years working closely with families that negotiation breeds nagging, while logic breeds responsibility.

Negotiation is hard work, particularly when dealing with young bush lawyers who are adept at turning everything into a deal.

Use logic to break the cycle. (It works gang busters with teens as well.)

By clearly linking a desired activity to a required task, you move from being a “nagger” to being a provider of opportunity.

It places the power—and the consequences—directly in the child’s hands.

Here’s how: “When your shoes are on, then we go to the park.” If the shoes stay off, the car stays in the driveway. No yelling required—reality does the hard work for you.

4. Step Back from the Rescue

Resilience and grit are built in the struggle zone, not in the comfort zone.

Fixing kids’ problems does them few favours.

Every time you swoop in to fix a minor problem, you rob children of a chance to develop their capacities. If you want a child to be resourceful, you need to give them a chance to develop their resources.

True confidence is built on overcoming challenges, not avoiding them.

Here’s how: Wait 20 seconds before intervening. If they’re stuck, offer a “micro-hint” rather than a total takeover. Let them feel the pride of saying, “I did it.”

5. Replace Punishment with Restoration

Arbitrary punishments, such as losing dessert for a messy room, create resentment and sneaky behaviour.

Restoration, however, focuses on the fix rather than the fail, teaching children that mistakes can be mended through effort.

This approach builds a bridge back to the relationship rather than a wall between you.

Here’s how: If they break a rule or hurt a sibling, the question isn’t “Why did you do that?” but “How will you make this right?” If they make a mess, they clean it. If they hurt a feeling, they perform a service.

Finally

Leadership isn’t about intensity; it’s about consistency.

You don’t need to overhaul your entire life by Monday. Pick one area where you’ve become a negotiator, or worse, a nagger. Maybe it’s bedtime, or maybe it’s how they speak to you. Hold that one line today with a calm, firm “no.”

Don’t explain yourself for the tenth time. Just be the firm leader.

Your kids won’t necessarily thank you for the change. Ultimately, they will feel safer and develop greater agency when you replace the mantle of management with the leverage of leadership.

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Our daughter organised her six-month exchange to Denmark when she was fifteen.

She didn’t do this by us doing more for her. Driving her everywhere. Cooking every meal. Getting her up in the mornings.

She got there because we did less.

There’s a current version of parenting that’s very managerial. It’s efficient, clean, and very safe. Kids get to school on time. They are always fed the most nutritious food available and are heavily involved in after-school activities.

The parent-manager makes this happen.

This was us with our eldest, and they remained very dependent on us. Until we changed.

With our next children, we shifted from parent-manager to parent-architect, shaping an environment that builds real capability.

It involved moving away from doing for them and moving toward providing the scaffolding they needed to do for themselves.

The activities we engaged in became part of our family culture. So much so that the next generation is coming through, with in-built agency.

“Look out, world, we’re coming, but in a good way.”

The shift from efficient parent-manager to parent-architect starts with a “do less, not more” mindset. It also gives kids the chance to problem-solve, learn from mistakes, and develop inner confidence in their own capabilities.

Magic!

Here are seven easy ways to get started.

1. Delegate meal preparation

Hand over the kitchen tongs.

Cooking is more than teaching a life skill. It signals that you trust their competence.

When a child follows a recipe or experiments with flavours, they are making a series of decisions with immediate, tangible results.

Start with one night a week where your child is the head chef for a simple dish.

You become sous chef—you do the chopping if they aren’t ready, but they make the executive calls on seasoning and timing.

2. Let them build

Let kids be designers of their own play.

Provide children with loose parts—such as old crates, PVC pipes, timber offcuts, or tyres.

Research shows that when materials have no single defined purpose, children must rely on their own internal drive and creative problem-solving.

To start, clear a corner of the yard and stock it with inexpensive hardware store finds or recycled goods. Apartment-dwellers can give over part of a room to building on a smaller scale.

Step back and resist the urge to tell them what to build; let the environment be the teacher.

(An aside: Lego and other construction-type toys, which thankfully are still popular with kids, only tap into part of their creativity as they often come in follow-the-plan-type kits.)

3. Navigate the ‘hood.

Spatial awareness and the ability to find one’s way are foundational to independence.

On your next walk to the park or shops, hand the lead over to your child.

Ask them to get the family there using landmarks or a basic map.

Get them to pay attention to their surroundings and take charge of the group’s direction.

Passive follower to active leader in a simple walk.

4. Solve problems collaboratively

The next time your child comes to you with a problem—a broken toy, a conflict with a sibling, or boredom—resist the fix-it reflex.

Instead, ask: “How can you handle this?”

Train their brain to look for solutions rather than obstacles.

Neuroscience teaches us that if they do this often enough, a pattern is created. Problem-solving becomes their default.

Start by making it a rule that they must bring a potential solution along with every complaint.

5. Facilitate family meetings

Replace the top-down managerial approach with a collaborative forum.

Use a weekly meeting to discuss chores, weekend plans, or recurring friction points. When children help draft the rules, they are far more likely to follow them because they have skin in the game.

Start with a simple agenda: what’s working, what isn’t, and what’s the plan for next week.

This teaches them that their voice can influence their community. That’s true agency.

6. Plan public transport routes

For older children, the ability to move through their city independently is a major milestone. It gives them something more valuable than money - autonomy!

Have them research the bus or train timetable for your next outing.

Let them check the platform numbers and signal the driver.

Feeling street smart is a powerful antidote to the anxiety of the unknown.

7. Make pocket money real

Do you get tired of your child always asking you to buy them ‘stuff’?

Hand over the decision-making on the purchase to your child. "Certainly you can buy that? You’ve got enough pocket money.”

This shift places the burden of choice squarely on their shoulders, moving from being a passive asker to an active decision-maker who is fully responsible for the outcome of their purchase.

That’s a powerful shift.

Finally…..

Building agency means less management of your child’s life and more designing for their independence.

By choosing to “do less,” you provide the scaffolding your child needs to build their own capability.

This shift from parent-manager to parent-architect trades daily efficiency for a family culture of grit, problem-solving, and genuine agency.

What’s one thing you can “do less” today to help your child do more?

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We’ve all experienced it!

The child who comes home from school and immediately starts spinning in circles, flopping onto the sofa, or perhaps—as I did as a boy—disappearing to their room to rock rhythmically for ten minutes on their bed.

As a parent, your first instinct is to tell them to “settle petal”, “find a calm charm”, or “take a chill pill”.

This approach so often misses the mark. Their movement continues, or it transforms into a petty argument.

Good intentions, but a lack of understanding results in an incorrect strategy.

In most cases, this movement isn’t a sign of hyperactivity but rather a brilliant, self-taught coping strategy.

I’ll explain.

Move beyond the five senses

You know about sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing. You heard about these senses in primary/elementary school.

But there is a hidden sixth sense that is arguably the most important for a child’s emotional well-being: The Vestibular System.

And it wasn’t something you were taught at school. And your parents wouldn’t have known about it either.

Tucked away in the inner ear, the vestibular system is your child’s internal spirit level.

It senses gravity and movement, telling the brain where the body is in space.

More importantly, it is directly hard-wired to the nervous system.

When the world feels too loud, too fast, or too demanding, the vestibular system is the volume knob that can turn the stress down.

How do kids turn the volume down?

Through movement….but not just any kind.

Remove the school day static

Modern childhood is high-pressure.

Between the sensory overload of a noisy classroom and the mental effort of behaving well and focusing all day, children often leave school with their brains full of static.

When a child rocks, swings, or paces, they are using rhythmic movement to:

• Lower their heart rate: Slow, repetitive motion acts like a natural sedative for the brain.

• Filter the noise: It helps them tune out the world and tune in to their own bodies.

• Reset their clock: It’s a transition ritual that says, “The school day is over; I am safe at home now.”

Rhythmic movement is the key to turning the volume down and removing the day's static. It provides instant and natural stress relief.

Build your child’s agency through self-regulation

One of the best gifts to give a child is agency—the sense that they have the power to influence their own lives and emotions.

Recognise that fidgeting or rocking (common forms of stimming) is actually a child’s way of managing their own stress.

Stop seeing it as a behaviour to be controlled and start seeing it as a competence.

By allowing them space for these movements, you teach them: “You know what your body needs. You have the tools to make yourself feel better.”

Try these simple strategies at home

You don’t need a gym, a course or fancy equipment to help your child use their vestibular system to de-stress.

Here are three simple resets for a pressured day:

1. The 10-Minute Cocoon

If your child is prone to meltdowns after school, give them permission for 10 minutes of rhythmic time.

This might be on a swing, a rocking chair, or simply rocking to and fro on their bed.

No screens, no questions—just movement.

2. Get those big limbs working

If your child seems anxious, give them something to push or pull.

Carrying a basket of laundry or doing wall pushes (pushing against a wall as hard as they can) provides deep pressure that works alongside the vestibular system to ground them.

Jumping on a trampoline, swimming a few laps of the pool, or doing some intense sports practice also does the trick.

3. Go for a walk

Never underestimate the power of a rhythmic, steady walk.

The left-right-left walking rhythm is one of the most effective ways for people of any age to deal with a stressful day.

For many kids, walking home from school is enough to remove the stress of their day. That’s a luxury that not every child enjoys.

Final thoughts

The next time you see your child moving in a way that seems pointless or repetitive, take a breath.

They aren’t being difficult; they are likely doing exactly what they need to do to find their centre and reset.

When you understand the why behind the movement, you can stop managing behaviours and start raising children who are the masters of their own calm.

And you’re giving them the advantage of agency over their lives.

Do you know a parent, teacher or coach who would benefit from this article? If so, sharing is easy.

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In a recent post, I explored how the worlds of leadership development and effective parenting have essentially merged.

Raising a capable, resilient child is, in many ways, the ultimate leadership project.

Since then, my inbox has been buzzing.

Many of you reached out asking for the “how-to”—the boots-on-the-ground ideas to help bring these concepts into the living room, the backyard, and the car ride to footy practice.

As I’ve often said, fostering leadership starts with a shift in our own lens.

It’s about cultivating a leadership mindset. We need to move beyond just seeing good behaviour and start noticing—and naming—specific leadership habits.

What You Focus on Flourishes

There’s a simple truth in parenting: what you notice gets repeated.

When you shine a light on a child’s budding leadership, you aren’t just giving them a pat on the back; you are reinforcing a self-image.

This is particularly true for eldest children who often look to us for cues on how to navigate their world, but the impact ripples through the whole family.

The Power of a Shared Vocabulary

If you want to change a culture, you have to change the language.

When leadership terms become part of your family’s “kitchen table talk,” they become embedded.

Once they are embedded, they become a natural part of how your children operate.

Eventually, these habits are passed down to the next generation. That is the kind of legacy that truly sticks.

To help you catch your kids “doing it right,” try using these specific phrases linked to the Young Leaders’ five building blocks of leadership.

The secret is to praise the process and the specific block they are using.

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1. Mastering presence (Presentation Skills)

The Focus: Presence and clarity.

What to look for: Steady eye contact, upright posture, and a clear, audible volume.

• “I noticed how you looked the coach in the eye when you asked that question. That showed real presence.”

• “I love how you projected your voice just now. It made it very easy for everyone to hear your idea.”

• “You stood tall even though you were nervous. That’s what owning the room looks like.”

2. Stepping up (Responsibility)

The Focus: Ownership of actions.

What to look for: Admitting mistakes without prompts, proactivity with chores, and taking the initiative.

• “I saw you realised you forgot your water bottle and went back for it without me asking. That’s taking ownership.”

• “You owned that mistake instead of blaming your brother. “ That takes a lot of integrity.”

• “You saw a mess you didn’t make and cleaned it up anyway. That’s the ‘buck stops here’ mindset.”

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3. Staying ahead of the game (Organisation)

The Focus: Structure and foresight.

What to look for: Planning ahead, managing gear, and keeping personal spaces functional.

• “I love how you mapped out your morning so we aren’t rushing. You’re mastering your own map.”

• “You checked your checklist before we left the house. That preparation makes the whole day smoother.”

• “I noticed you laid out your gear for tomorrow. You’re definitely staying ahead of the game.”

  ---

4. Moving from Me to We (Teamwork)

The Focus: Collaboration and empathy.

What to look for: Encouraging others, active listening, and navigating sibling dynamics smoothly.

• “It was great how you asked your friend what they wanted to play instead of just choosing. That’s lifting while you climb.”

• “I saw you encourage your teammate after they missed that shot. You’re building a stronger team.”

• “You listened to everyone’s ideas before making a plan. That’s exactly how great collaborators lead.”

  ---

5. Taking charge of the inner CEO (Emotional Intelligence)

The Focus: Self-regulation and awareness.

What to look for: Naming feelings, pausing before reacting, and using self-calming strategies.

• “I noticed you took a deep breath when you got frustrated with that puzzle. You’re doing a great job leading your ‘internal weather.’”

• “You recognised that your friend was feeling sad and gave them some space. That’s high-level tuning in.”

• “I’m impressed by how you named your frustration instead of acting on it. Your ‘Inner CEO’ is definitely in charge.”

Finally

By naming these behaviours—whether it’s the Organisation shown in a packed school bag or the Emotional Intelligence used to handle a disappointment—you are giving your child a vocabulary for lifelong success.

You help them see themselves not just as good kids, but as capable leaders.

Leadership isn’t a destination they reach at age eighteen; it’s a muscle they build every time they choose to own a mistake or lift up a friend.

It doesn’t take a massive overhaul of your parenting to raise a leader. It just takes a keen eye for the small things and the right words to reinforce them.

By catching them doing it right today, you are preparing them to lead the way tomorrow.

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Parenthood is a state of mind as much as an activity. It’s an identity that takes some people time to grow into.

I’ve seen my three adult children grow into parenting, much as I did four decades ago. 

A significant part of the parenting mindset involves accepting that there will always be some struggle.

This is beneficial because growth occurs through struggle:

No Hardship. No Learning. No Growth.

Good intentions won’t get you through your parenting struggles. Learning and applying new tools will.

Of course, when you overcome one challenge, another takes its place; such is the nature of the parenting experience.

So you are always learning and adding to your toolbox.

These five struggles are universal but are often overlooked.

1. Time tensions

Lack of time to do everything you want as a parent is a modern phenomenon.

Two decades ago, Quality time was a popular parenting concept. This was a simplistic solution to a complex issue.

What makes up quality time? Is some time spent in the company of children better than other times? Is dressing a toddler less valuable than playing with a toddler? Is time spent driving a teen to a friend’s house a different quality than listening to music together? Does high quality make up for a low quantity of time?

It doesn’t make sense.

Viewing time spent with kids through the relationship lens reveals how to allocate it effectively. If you want a strong bond with a child, the key is to enjoy one-on-one moments with them. It doesn't matter much what you do together, but that you share each other’s company, whether playing, sharing a meal, or walking to school. It’s how children learn about you, and you learn about your child—their interests, personality, and fears.

• First-born and last-born children frequently spend more time one-on-one with a parent than a middle child, so you must be organised or sneaky to ensure that you spend time with this cohort.

One-on-one time is one of the keys to strong relationships between parents and kids.

2. Sibling Squabbles

Question: What causes sibling fighting?

Answer: Having more than one child.

Sibling fighting, arguing, and squabbling are part of the parenting story. Not all siblings fight, but most do at some stage in their relationship. It varies between girls and boys, with the former being more verbal and the latter more physical, as a rule of thumb.

I’ve held seminars, written countless articles, and even written a book on sibling rivalry and the subsequent conflict, but I do not recommend focusing on fighting to parents. It’s a better use of your energy to build strong family connections and a strong family.

• Rituals are vital to building close, harmonious families. Family rituals such as shared mealtimes, celebrations and the unique ways you come together help bond people—families break down when rituals are absent.

• Downtime is the unorganised time when family members are at home together for no particular purpose. Samoan families, like many Polynesian families, are incredibly close. Their strong bonds are attributed to family members spending a lot of time together just enjoying each other’s company. In the highly structured lives of today’s Western families, downtime is a rare commodity, so cherish it when it happens.

3. Behaviour Balance

When I began my career as a parenting educator four decades ago, parenting education was code for behaviour management. Most people who attended a parenting program wanted to know how to raise cooperative, respectful, well-behaved kids.

Parenting education is way more varied now, but poor behaviour remains a core issue for parents.

Who doesn’t enjoy it when your child cooperates with you? No arguing. No procrastination.

Most parents would take a cooperative, well-behaved child any day!

One of my favourite tools for combating poor behaviour and teaching kids how to behave in the moment is the “Quiet Word.”

When your child is less than perfect in public or in private, go close enough for you to talk in hushed tones, touch their shoulder, get down to their level, and let them know that you disapprove of their behaviour and tell them how to behave.

The “Quiet Word” maintains their dignity and helps to keep them calm.

Choose the time and place for the “Quiet Word”. If they are angry or upset, let them calm down on their own before speaking to them.

4. Anxiety Awareness

In my 2019 book Anxious Kids, coauthored with Dr Jodi Richardson, I outlined many reasons why childhood anxiety is going through the roof, including more anxious parents, tight schedules, lack of free play, high expectations and more. Now, you can add COVID-19 lockdowns and social media to this list.

There are many tools parents can teach their kids to help them manage their anxiety, including deep breathing, emotional regulation, spending time in nature, exercise, mindfulness and more complex tools such as meditation and diffusion.

• But the best tool is giving your child a Mega-dose of Independence (thanks to the Anxious Generation for this term).

Independence reduces anxiety by exercising the psychological muscles needed to counteract stress. Most importantly, it builds confidence by exposing individuals to real-life situations unrelated to their fears. For example, if someone fears the dark, they could be asked to walk to the shop to get some milk.

Overall, exposure to new situations involving challenges helps build resilience, confidence, resourcefulness, flexibility, and the ability to take intelligent risks.

5. Agency Advantage

Your job as a parent is to make yourself redundant.

Yep, your job is to work your way out of a job. It’s always been the way, and it should always be.

We’re failing badly.

There are many reasons for this, but we’ve forgotten that our crucial task is to build children’s independence from the earliest possible age.

As families have shrunk in size, we’ve taken on many tasks that kids can do for themselves. If you have a neurodiverse child, your task is still to build their independence from the earliest possible age. You may need a more nuanced toolbox, but your goal is the same.

Want to benchmark your independence-building? Check out how you're faring in one of my most popular articles.

Teaching is the best independence-building tool. My modus operandi for teaching goes like this:

• You watch me.

• You help me.

• I’ll help you.

• I’ll watch you.

This method can be applied to anything, from tidying a bedroom to cooking a meal to walking to school on their own.

There you go—five struggles, six tools.

1. Struggle: Not enough time to build relationships. Solution: One-on-one time.

2. Struggle: Continual conflict between siblings. Solutions: Rituals and downtime to bring your family together.

3. Struggle: Poor behaviour. Solution: The Quiet Word.

4. Struggle: Childhood anxiety. Solution: Build independence.

5. Struggle: Building independence. Solution: Teaching skills to build their capacities.

As usual, don’t take on too much change at once. Pick an area of concern ot importance and start from there.

Think about the obstacles you’ll face or the barriers you must overcome to put the solution in place.

Think about the best way to go about using the accompanying tool.

Start small.

Expect resistance.

Plan for it.

Go for it.

Stick at it.

Look for small improvements at first.

Then prepare for exponential improvement as change gains momentum.

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For over thirty years, I’ve worn two hats: one as a parenting educator helping families thrive, and the other as a specialist in student leadership.

For a long time, these felt like two separate conversations.

But today, those worlds have merged.

Developing leadership in kids isn’t a job solely for teachers or coaches—it’s a fundamental part of modern parenting.

The good news 

You don’t need to sign your child up for expensive weekend seminars or “elite” boot camps. Leadership isn’t an extracurricular activity; it’s woven into the very fabric of your daily life.

From the way you handle a messy bedroom to how you debrief after a tough day at school, you are constantly laying bricks. You are the coach; they are the player. 

It helps to develop a leadership mindset as you navigate the “small things” at home.

Leadership is more than a nice idea.

According to research from the University of Illinois, leadership isn’t an innate “gift”.

Rather, it’s a set of skills cultivated through experiential learning—the kind of “learning by doing” that happens every day in a family home.

Their findings show that when you give kids the tools to manage themselves, their pro-social behaviour skyrockets. Their anxiety levels dip. They feel capable and ready for life.

These sound like pretty good parenting outcomes to me.

My leadership work focuses on five building blocks—presentation skills, responsibility, organisation, teamwork and emotional intelligence.

If you’d like to develop your child’s leadership potential using my five building blocks while you're managing their behaviour, developing their character, and teaching them essential success skills, these five ideas are a great place to start.

As a parent encourage your child to:

1. Speak with presence

Presentation Skills are about more than just public speaking. They are a set of skills used to project confidence.

Start by teaching your child to stand with their shoulders back and maintain eye contact. This sends a strong signal to their brains about their self-worth and capability.

Try it at the dinner table. Ask them to describe their day in a clear voice. No mumbling allowed. This builds the “outer shell” of leadership. It ensures their substance is actually heard. Small wins matter. Success leaves clues.

2. Own the results of your choices

Responsibility is the heavyweight among leadership capabilities.

In a world of “it wasn’t my fault,” you want to raise the person who says, “the buck stops here.” This means moving beyond just “doing chores.” It’s about fostering an ownership mindset.

When your child realises their soccer boots didn’t just “disappear” but were left in the park, let them feel that weight. Don’t rush to save them. They need to find the solution.

Responsibility is the bridge between being a passive observer and being in the driver’s seat.

It builds grit.

Ownership changes everything.

3. Map the path to the goal

Organisation is your child’s secret weapon.

They can have all the vision in the world, but if they can’t find their homework, that vision stays stuck in their head. You can teach this by respecting time and space in your daily routine.

Have them plan the steps needed for a weekend project. Or perhaps they handle the grocery list for one meal. This is how you turn a chaotic “maybe” into a structured “done.”

It is the discipline of preparation. It prevents the panic of the last minute.

Structure creates freedom. Simple beats complex.

(An aside: You may notice that boys need this type of assistance more than girls. They require a great deal of patient coaching in personal organisation. The use of visual aids such as charts, posters, and the like makes this easier for boys.)

4. Lift the people around them

Teamwork is where leadership meets the real world.

From a child’s perspective, teamwork is best expressed as developing a sense of ‘we’ rather than ‘me’.

There are many opportunities to reinforce this notion within a family, including

• Kids helping at home without being paid.

• A child helps a sibling who is struggling.

• A child joins a family activity, even when it doesn’t suit.

Helping your child recognise and bring out the best in siblings and peers is teamwork at its finest.

5. Tune into their internal compass

Emotional Intelligence is the final, and perhaps most vital, building block.

If your child cannot lead themselves, they cannot lead anyone else.

Help them label the heat of anger or the fog of sadness. When they pause before reacting, they demonstrate the highest form of intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is the building block that keeps the other four from crumbling when things get tough.

Self-awareness is powerful.

Help your child control the inside first.

Finally……

Raising a young leader isn’t about preparing the path for your child. It’s about preparing your child for the path.

By focusing on these five building blocks in your daily life, you give them a toolkit that works in the classroom, the boardroom, and everywhere in between.

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Developing and maintaining friendships is a dynamic process.

And that can present headaches for parents.

Most children experience some form of peer rejection throughout childhood.

One study found that even popular children were rejected about one quarter of the time when they approached children in school.

Most children experience social rejection and recover from it.

They move on and form constructive, worthwhile relationships with like-minded children, but some children benefit from additional support or coaching.

Several studies indicate that children can be coached in friendship skills; a supportive friendship coach can make a significant difference.

The strategies are simple and focus on teaching children a range of friendly behaviours, such as talking with others while playing, showing interest in others, smiling, offering help and encouragement when needed, being willing to share, and learning how to enter a game or social situation.

It is also useful to teach children alternatives to fighting and arguing when disagreements arise within groups.

Gender, giftedness and birth order matter

Gender impacts the ability to make friends. Girls are further advanced along the stages of friendship than boys during the primary school years.

Many boys need a parent to be their social coach, constantly reminding them of friendly behaviours and providing social scripts for tricky social situations, such as meeting a new friend, asking an adult for help and saying No to a peer or sibling who teases.

Gifted children are often further advanced along the continuum of friendship behaviours than their peers. They seek more intimate friendships at a much younger age than their peers. This challenges the perception that gifted children have poor social skills; it appears they have a different concept of friendship than those around them.

My birth order research reveals that second and middle children generally have more friends than firstborns. They are more adaptable and welcoming of children with different interests. Their negotiation skills, needed in the hurly-burly of playground politics, are more advanced, honed by years of practice of negotiating to get their needs met under the competitive eye of a firstborn.

Eldest children are more likely to be introverted, preferring to spend time with a smaller number of friends.

Regardless, all children benefit from exposure to supportive adults adept in coaching them in the art of making and keeping friends.

Coaching kids in the art of making and keeping friends

Here are ten ideas to help you coach your child in the art of making friends:

1. Put friendships on the conversation table

Establish a dialogue with your child about friendships so you can offer support when difficulties arise and provide ideas when needed.

Be upfront with your child and discuss the importance of building connections with children both inside and outside school.

Talk, don’t lecture.

Open lines of communication before children enter adolescence.

2. Identify what may be holding a child back

Identify and discuss any behaviour, such as teasing, bullying or self-centredness, that may prevent your child from making friends.

Sometimes a child’s remarks can irritate others to the extent that he or she is ostracised.

Others struggle sharing information about themselves, which is a no-no in the give-and-take game of friendships.

Don’t be squeamish. Be upfront with your child.

If they’re not great sharers, let them know, then set up situations that require them to share.

3. Put your coaching hat on

Teach social skills such as starting a conversation, being a good winner and loser, and holding others' interest during a conversation.

Playing games with family members is a great way for kids to pick up many of these skills.

Overt teaching - “Next time you want to play a game with……try……”

There are many ways to help kids acquire those skills. Including workshopping………

4. Workshop tricky scenarios

The social world for many children is far more challenging than the academic world.

Math is a breeze compared to meeting new friends, saying no to peer pressure or letting a friend know that their behaviour is annoying.

It helps to workshop different scenarios with kids, providing them with social scripts and alternative behaviours that they can try in sticky situations.

Next time they come to you with a problem, try workshopping different solutions with them.

5. Focus on soft power

Some children (okay, usually firstborns) struggle with keeping friends as they often use assertion (and aggression) rather than adaptability when they don’t get their own way.

Full-on assertion (”do it my way”) usually meets with rejection at some point.

Undoubtedly, soft power wins in the long run in the friendship arena.

Kids who can adapt, use humour, have a positive attitude, are helpful, and know how to stand up for themselves when behaviour is unjust or unfair do well with friendships.

These are all soft power skills that are the domain of firstborn girls, some secondborns and most youngest children.

6. Teach your child how to read the room

Children who struggle to make friends often charge in too quickly or hover too far away in play or social situations.

It helps to teach them to “read the room” in social situations. Encourage them to watch a group for 30 seconds to identify the game being played and the overall “vibe” before making an approach to join in.

This gives slow-to-warm-up personality types the chance to feel comfortable (and weigh different social options) in new situations and environments.

By coaching them to look for a natural entry point- like offering to retrieve a stray ball- you help them avoid the social friction that comes from awkward interruptions.

7. Leverage the “home ground” advantage

Social anxiety is often lower in a familiar environment.

Organise a “micro-playdate” with just one other child at your home, centred around a structured activity like Lego or baking. This controlled setting enables you to use friendship coaching in real time.

If a conflict arises over sharing, you can quietly pull your child aside to validate their frustration while helping them navigate the social “repair” needed to keep the play session going.

8. Develop a host mindset in your child

If your child likes to take charge and struggles with sharing, teach them how to be a good host.

Start by asking, “What does a good host do?” Make a list of behaviours that make others comfortable at home and in their company.

This shifts their focus from their own comfort to others’ comfort, building a foundation of empathy and emotional regulation.

9. Get them out and about

Encourage your child to participate in out-of-school activities or groups that offer opportunities to meet new people outside their school peer groups.

Friendships formed through shared interests are often very strong.

Birds of a feather flock together, so it’s more likely for children to find soul mates through shared hobbies and activities. Certainly, more likely than sitting at home in their bedroom………

10. Limit solitary activities

Alone time is really important for kids. It gives them the chance to process their day, relax, and feel comfortable in their own skin. However, it’s a balancing act.

Too much alone time means your child doesn’t have the opportunity to develop the basic skills they need to navigate the social world.

These skills don’t develop in a vacuum.

They develop through trial and error (and supportive coaching) in real-life, person-to-person situations.

So don’t be afraid to say “enough alone time.” Invite (or insist) them/they join the social world one interaction at a time.

Finally

Your goal as parents isn’t to collect friends for your children. It’s to help them develop the social “muscles” to connect when they want to, and the self-worth to be comfortable being alone.

Helping a child find their tribe is rarely about a single “grand gesture”; it is found in quiet, consistent social interactions in familiar and unfamiliar situations, as well as in supportive friendship coaching.

As you guide them through these challenges, remember that you aren’t just helping them find a friend for today—you are equipping them with the emotional intelligence to lead and connect for a lifetime.

Stay patient, keep the dialogue open, and celebrate the small “social wins.”

Their confidence will grow, one conversation, one interaction and one friendly gesture at a time.

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"I can’t believe he’d do that!”

This was Katie’s first thought when the primary school principal phoned to tell her about her son’s poor behaviour.

Ten-year-old Jai, along with some other boys, had mercilessly teased a classmate to the point that he refused to come to school.

Katie thanked the principal for letting her know, apologised on her son’s behalf, and said she’d handle it from there.

Katie experienced the full gamut of emotions, including: shock (“How could he?”), shame (“I'm ashamed of him?”), guilt (Where did I go wrong?), denial (“No, he wouldn’t do that!”), and finally acceptance (“Yes, he has made someone else feel unsafe.”)

What happened next was a masterclass in turning misbehaviour into a teachable moment for her son.

Katie wasn’t aware of it at the time, but she followed a 3-Step Teachable Moment Process that ensured her son felt listened to, was held accountable for his behaviour, and learned how to respond differently next time.

This process dealt with the past, present and future.

It’s non-accusatory, respectful and practical.

And it deepens rather than harms your relationship with your child.

Step 1: Explore what happened

Katie calmed herself and approached her son, who was playing quietly in his bedroom.

She sat down on the edge of his bed and told him what the principal had told her.

Jai’s first response was denial.

Katie was unconvinced.

His shoulders dropped, and he owned up to what he had done.

Katie then asked him to tell her exactly what had happened. She learned that her son joined two other boys in teasing their classmate unrelentingly, both inside the classroom and in the playground. While not the instigator, he happily followed along.

She knew her son was easily led, so his story made sense to her. He behaved less from malice and more to seek status among his peers.

Step 2: Make amends

Katie let her son know his behaviour was not okay.

She calmly reminded her son that everyone needs to feel safe at school and that his teasing had caused another child to feel unsafe.

What she said next was powerful.

“You need to make this right. You need to fix this.”

It was not about shaming him or punishing him.

It was about ensuring he takes responsibility for his actions through restitution.

In this case, Katie believed her son should make a heartfelt apology, stating what he did wrong, and reassuring the classmate that it won’t happen again.

Katie gave her son three suggestions to help him along: “You can either apologise by telephone, in person or record a video and send it to him.”

Jai chose to record a video.

Katie helped him work out what he should say and recorded his apology on her mobile phone.

Step 3: Workshop alternative responses

Katie found out what her son had done and made sure he made amends. It would have been easy for her to stop there.

But she went one step further to ensure Jai learns something positive from this situation.

Knowing her son could be easily led, she wanted to make sure he was equipped with some tools to help him respond next time he’s tempted (or invited) to join in and behave poorly.

Katie’s no fool. She knows there will be a next time.

They discussed different scenarios and possible responses Jai could use to avoid being drawn into situations he didn’t feel comfortable with.

They stopped when Katie was satisfied that Jai had several options to help him resist peer pressure to act up.

Recapping the process

Katie’s approach to discipline was pragmatic and educative.

It’s guided by the knowledge of two things.

First, good kids sometimes do bad/dumb/thoughtless things. So don’t be shocked or go into denial if your child doesn’t do something you're not proud of.

Second, children wear L Plates when navigating tricky social situations. To help your child navigate tricky social situations, take an educational, non-punitive approach.

When your child is involved in significant misbehaviour that harms another person’s rights, is unsafe, or is just downright stupid, take this pragmatic, educative approach.

Step 1: Explore what happened

Focus on the past. Discover the facts from your child’s perspective as well as from other people’s perspectives.

Key questions: What happened? What’s your child’s place in the misbehaviour? What were you thinking and feeling at the time?

Step 2: Make amends

Focus on the present. Help your child take responsibility and make amends. Put consequences in place.

Key questions: How can you make this right? How can you fix this?

Step 3: Workshop alternative responses

Focus on the future. Help your child learn from this mistake.

Key questions: What will you do differently next time? How can we help you make sure this doesn’t happen again?

Finally….

There is considerable confusion among parents right now about the role of discipline in parenting.

So let’s be clear.

Discipline has a prominent place on the parenting process.

However, discipline in 2026 is less about punishment and more helping your child be social, safe and fit into a civil society.

That’s a return to the essence of discipline - the term derives from the Latin meaning to teach.

Yes, discipline is a continuous educational process, and part of that process is turning misbehaviour into a learning opportunity.

And yes, some kids offer more learning opportunities than others.

That’s the way of parenting.

Frustrating? Yes.

But so rewarding when you see the results of your hard parenting efforts, usually much further down the track.

Hang in there, and the results will come.

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Feeling time-poor?

Got too many things on the go?

Never seem to be able to make time for your partner or kids?

If you nodded your head to any of these questions, then you’re not alone.

Lack of time and competing priorities have long prevented parents from being the kind of parents we all aim to be.

But there’s a solution…..and it’s not Quality Time.

My research into busy working parents revealed four key strategies for building a strong, happy, and healthy family.

Let’s explore these four tools together and discover how you can apply them to your family.

Tool # 1: One-on-One Time

The best way to build relationships with kids is to spend time with them.

I’m not talking about grand gestures such as going to the movies, although, as I’ll mention further on, that has its part.

Rather, the ordinary, everyday interactions you have with kids are key to relationship-building.

In my work with Australian children, I heard repeated stories about the simple times they spend with a parent doing every day stuff.

Getting breakfast.

Playing a game.

Watching a program together online or on TV.

Going for a walk.

It was always the everyday, low or no-cost activities they enjoyed one-on-one with a parent. Not with the whole gang.

Don’t let your partner explain your kids to you

Some parents have relationships with their kids vicariously through their partners- who spend a great deal of their time explaining the kids to them (“You know, Benny had a bad day at school today….”) and vice versa (“Your father is very busy at the moment”).

That’s not how relationships work.

Some parents are permanently separated from their kids due to work or other circumstances, which is incredibly tough.

If this is you, then make the most of the time you are together. Look for opportunities to spend time with each child individually.

Establish personal rituals that link you with each child, even when you’re not around. (More about this below)

Remember middle children

The research shows that eldest children and youngest children receive more one-on-one time with parents than middle children.

You may need to intentionally ask middle children to accompany you to the supermarket, or invite them to play a game with you.

Don’t leave bonding to chance.

Expert tips for One-on-One Time

1. Choose the same place: Recall a place or space where you experience successful connections with your child. You will have one. It may be a chair, a couch or a play space outside. Return to this place when you want to talk or feel at peace with your child.

2. Understand their connection preferences: Dr. Gary Chapman's work on love languages is profound. My three kids prefer to connect in different ways, and understanding this has been a real bonus. One enjoys chatting, another loves doing activities together, and the third responds to acts of service. Aligning with their love languages makes bonding easier.

3. Do things you enjoy with your child: Two reasons for this. First, when you share your passions, things you love or the activities you want, you are more likely to loosen up, relax and show your human side. Second, kids love it when you share something of yourself with them. It builds their sense of belonging and deepens their connection to you.

Tool # 2: Family Rituals

Rituals bind families together.

Without them, families inevitably break down.

Popular Australian Parenting educator Maggie Dent says, “Family rituals are positive, which strengthen the sense of warm connectedness in families. This makes sense, given that the number one biological need for every human is the hunger to belong, and to be accepted, valued and loved.”

So what makes a family ritual?

It’s anything that brings a family together regularly, whether to celebrate something special, such as a birthday, or other celebrations.

Make rituals your own

My family has developed its own set of rituals, including how we celebrate birthdays - yep, they are weird, noisy, with a silly version of the Happy Birthday song, and we also celebrate Christmas and other times of the year.

Regular mealtimes are the most critical ritual your family can have. There’s a high correlation between families that eat together at least five times a week and good mental health in teenagers.

This is presumably because parents can monitor their teens’ mental health more easily in this setting.

So when life is busy and catching up with everyone is hard, it’s the simple family rituals you’ve put in place that pull you all together.

• Your rituals are the super-glue that bonds you together into a tight family unit.

Expert tips for family rituals

1. Establish negotiables and non-negotiables: Work with children to determine which rituals they must attend and which they can miss. This is important for teenagers, whose social and school lives are increasingly busy. For instance, being home for a sibling’s birthday is non-negotiable; however, attending an aunt’s birthday may be negotiable.

2. Be flexible: Adapt your rituals to suit your family’s lifestyle. For instance, for many years I spoke to parents in schools and the community up to three nights a week, which made shared evening mealtimes with my family difficult. Our solution was to “do” mealtimes at breakfast. Slow and leisurely…..to a point…was the go. They were more than a fuel stop, as most breakfasts seem to be.

3. Make sure they happen: One thing stood out in my research into family rituals - they rarely occurred by accident. It usually took a parent—usually a mother—to ensure they happened and that everyone showed up.

Tool # 3: Personal Rituals

What interactions with you do your kids look forward to? Which interactions can they rely on?

Is it a Saturday morning walk? An evening bedtime story? Watching a game of sport together each week?

While one-on-one time is generally random, built on the bedrock of good intentions, personal rituals are set in stone. By their nature, they always happen.

• Kids can rely on them. That’s their magic.

They bring predictability to your relationships. They show you are reliable. They help build their sense of security and safety.

Expert tips for personal rituals

1. Turn routines into rituals: Bedtime routines that include reading to children or singing special bedtime songs or even just lying beside your child do far more than help your child fall asleep. When these routines are repeated, they create neural pathways that enhance loving connection.

As a grandparent, I always made sure I was the one who bathed my grandkids when they were little, as it was the only chance I had to spend time with them alone. I was the ‘bathguy’ whenever they stayed over on visits. (Explanation: two of my kids live a long way from us, so they inevitably stay over on family visits.)

2. Make them special: If one-on-one is grounded in the everyday, personal rituals can be special events. A date with a teenager once a month, an ice cream with a young child each weekend, a special birthday movie once a year - are examples of special rituals that both you and your children will long remember.

3. Create greeting rituals: Welcoming and farewelling rituals for each child is essential. How you welcome and reconnect with children after a day away shows them that you have missed them and still love them.

With young children, leave a kiss on their palm. For others, there are special handshakes and or that oldie (but a goldie) “See you later alligator” to which they naturally reply, “in a while, crocodile.”

Tool # 4: Downtime

Pacific Islander cultures (e.g. Samoan, Tongan, Maori) are renowned for their strong family ties.

One feature they share is spending a great deal of time together, including extended family members. They don’t just gather for celebrations or special events; they go about their everyday lives, enjoying each other’s company.

My research on busy families found that close families in Western countries shared one factor that enabled the type of closeness evident in Pacific Islander families. They enjoyed downtime (also known as Mooch time) together.

Families who enjoyed some downtime together on a regular basis appeared happier and more tolerant of each other. They had closer ties, shared mutual interests and generally enjoyed each other’s company.

Downtime is the period spent together when little is happening. Family members are going about their lives, and interactions feel natural rather than contrived.

Lazy Sundays, easy evenings, do-nothing-much holidays here we come!!!

Expert tips for down-time:

1. Recognise its importance: Doing nothing can seem like a luxury, particularly when there are jobs to be done, or work is calling you. But regular time in the evening or at weekends, where nothing productive seems to be done, is good for your mental health and a boon for family relationships.

2. Guard it: Don’t be afraid to make a call on a child’s second/third organised activity for a day that takes you and/or them away from some downtime. Families in perpetual motion can easily grind to a halt and need someone to keep the guardrails up.

3. Organise it: If all else fails, call time on everyone being off in every direction and organise a family weekend away every so often so people can chill and enjoy each other’s company. The best parenting is intentional rather than accidental when it comes to building strong family bonds in this current era.

Putting It Into Practice

Okay, time get practical and create some change - if that’s what’s needed. Revisit the 4 tools above and answer these three questions:

1. What’s working?

Which of these tools is working for you at the moment? It may help to rank them by effectiveness.

2. What’s not working?

Which tools are either not in place or are not working for you? What are the barriers to success?

3. What will you work on?

Choose one tool to work on. Make it a focus of your attention over the next fortnight. Make a plan to put that tool into action. Plan how to handle any barriers.

Make a start

The most important part of forming a new habit is starting! If you want to start establishing family mealtimes, then start with one a week. Make it non-negotiable.

Start small. Experience success.

Repeat.

Then repeat and expand.

Now get cracking! You’ve important work to do.

Let me know how you went.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments or questions.

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I’ve been thinking about this a great deal lately:

“How can parents build the internal engine that allows their child to function without over-servicing them?”

The answer lies in a fundamental shift in how we view the parenting role.

Is it that of the mechanic who constantly tunes the engine, or the engineer who designs the engine to run on its own?

The mechanic role maintains a culture of Dependency, while the engineer role shifts to a culture of Redundancy.

It is a journey that requires parents to let go of the need to be needed.

Yes, it’s nice to be needed, but more satisfying to see your child develop autonomy and agency over their life.

Here are the five building blocks of the Redundancy Roadmap that will help you build your child’s strong, self-sustaining internal engine:

1. Build capacity through “safe struggle”

Struggle is a dirty word in the age of convenience and quick fixes.

But it’s through friction that real growth occurs.

Your child’s internal engine won’t start if it’s never had to overcome resistance.

Capacity is the emotional grit your child develops when they face a challenge and realise they didn’t break.

Try this: Apply the 10-Second Pause. When your child fumbles, don’t rescue. That silence is the ignition. It’s the moment they realise the solution must come from within them, not from you.

2. Install the “three before me” process

An engine needs a troubleshooting manual.

If your child’s first instinct is to yell for “Mum” or “Dad” the moment a problem arises, they aren’t using their own cognitive fuel.

They are passing their problem to you to own……..and fix.

As I’ve said so often…. “if you want your child to be resourceful, you need to put them in a position to develop their resources.”

That means giving them a chance to solve their own problems- whether social, learning or behavioural.

Try this: Teach them to breathe, brainstorm, and try before they seek a parental “consult.” This process shifts the labour from your shoulders to their brains, building neural pathways for self-sufficiency.

3. Shift to consultant leadership

A parent manager tells kids what to do; a parent consultant asks what the plan is.

To build an internal engine, you will need to stop being the “Command and Control” centre of your family.

That’s not about abrogating your authority.

It’s using a different method- questions and simple cues- to encourage kids to take charge of their own lives and reduce their dependency on you.

Try this: Use Consultant Language. Replace “Don’t forget your bag” with “What’s your plan for being organised for school today?” When you ask the question, you force them to engage their own internal drive.

4. Foster domestic competence

You can’t expect a child to feel powerful in the world if they are powerless in their own home.

True competence is built through contribution.

Yes, kids should help at home without being paid and start to take care of their own daily routines.

Try this: Apply the “Never Do” Rule to household life. If they can make the toast, clear the plate, or sort the laundry, then it’s time to teach them. These aren’t just chores; they are the “maintenance checks” that prove to the child they are a capable, contributing member of the family.

5. Hand over responsibilties one task at a time

Self-sufficiency isn’t a light switch; it’s a dimmer.

To build a reliable internal engine, you have to gradually increase the voltage.

Try this: Identify one area where you are currently “over-servicing”—perhaps it’s managing their homework schedule or their social calendar—and officially hand it over. Then build from there. Give them the Power to fail, to fix it, and eventually, to fly.

Finally……

Building your child's internal engine is a gradual process: one problem, one task and one job at a time. It requires self-discipline to step back so children have room to step up.

When we stop over-servicing, we stop growing fragile children and start raising “can-do” kids.

We also trade the exhaustion of being a 24-hour concierge for the deep satisfaction of seeing children stand on their own two feet.

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As schools in the southern hemisphere reopen, I’m following up on last year’s celebrated article with new reflections for the year ahead. Parents in the northern hemisphere will find this valuable too!

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As parents, we all want our children to succeed academically and develop a love for learning.

While teachers play a vital role in a child's education, parents also significantly influence their child's academic success.

Implementing a few proven strategies can help you create a supportive and enriching environment that nurtures your child's growth and development.

Here are five actionable ideas that will help you set the best possible environment for your child’s success, regardless of their age, ability or interests.

1. Establish a consistent routine

I know the term "Routine" will hardly send your pulse racing with excitement, but it’s an often-overlooked factor in parenting success.

Kids crave stability and predictability, as they feel safe and in control. Sometimes they use predictability against their parents (“Can’t I stay up later than 7 o’clock tonight?”), which is a behavioural issue I’ll address another time, but routines mostly serve kids and parents well.

Establishing a daily routine with set times for waking up, meals, homework, and bedtime can help children develop good habits and manage their time effectively.

Set a regular bedtime

School success is enhanced when a child’s physical needs are met. Sleep is perhaps the trickiest yet most vital part of the eat, play, and sleep physical triangle to meet.

According to the latest sleep research, maintaining consistent bedtimes and wake times is crucial in ensuring your child gets a good night’s sleep. Another important aspect is establishing a 45-60-minute bedtime routine.

A well-rested child is more alert, focused, and ready to learn.

Create a study schedule

“Homework,” “Reading time,” “Project work.” Regardless of the moniker, kids usually have tasks each night, ranging from reading books in the early years to completing assignments in the later years.

• Designate a specific time each day for homework and study. This helps children develop a routine and reduces procrastination. When my children were in primary school, I preferred doing homework before the evening meal. However, this didn’t work when after-school sports had to be negotiated, so we learned to be flexible with individual study schedules.

Include breaks, downtime and short bursts of work

Your child will do their best work when they’re rested, so help them balance work with free time. Discuss the need for short breaks, especially when working in front of a screen.

• Some children, especially boys, do their best work in short bursts, so consider introducing time limits for their work.

Expert tip: When setting routines, involve children in age-appropriate ways. When kids have input into a decision, they’re more likely to stick to it.

2. Foster a love for reading

Reading is a fundamental skill that underpins academic success in all subjects. Encouraging a love for reading from an early age significantly impacts a child's literacy skills and overall academic performance.

Some children are naturally drawn to reading.

Others would rather be doing something more active.

Adjust your expectations and your methods accordingly.

Read together

Set aside time each day to read with your child. Choose books that interest them and discuss the stories to enhance comprehension.

This is especially pertinent if your child isn’t entirely comfortable with reading.

Create a reader-friendly environment.

Are reading materials readily available in your home or apartment? Is there a quiet place for your child (and you) to read? Do you have lists and quotes posted on walls?

Consider how you can make reading easy, essential, and enjoyable for your child at home.

Model reading - dads too.

Children are wired to imitate, so if they see you reading books, magazines, and newspapers, this will become normal for them. (The same goes for using mobile phones, but that’s another story!)

Significantly, UK research has found that when dads model reading at home, boys are more likely to read as well. Like father, like son.

Expert tip: Go a little when you read to your kids. Use different voices. Have fun. Make the words (and yourself) come alive to make your child sit up and listen.

3. Communicate with teachers

A teacher is a parent’s best friend. They see a side of your child that you don’t see.

You may not always agree with everything your child’s teacher does, but it’s smart parenting to build a respectful relationship with them.

Base the relationship on open and regular communication, and be mindful that your teacher has many students in their class, not just yours.

Attend parent-teacher conferences

Make it a priority to attend parent-teacher conferences regularly to discuss your child's strengths, areas for improvement, and any challenges they may face.

Stay informed

Keep your side of the bargain by staying up-to-date with school newsletters, emails, and announcements, so you know what’s going on.

Collaborate on solutions

Work with teachers to develop strategies and solutions to support your child's learning needs. This collaborative approach ensures that home and school environments are aligned to help your child's success.

Expert tip: Avoid letting concerns linger too long before contacting your child’s teacher about a potential issue. When approaching your child’s teacher, choose the appropriate time, be specific about the situation and be open to collaboration.

4. Keep your expectations high, yet reasonable

Research consistently shows that parent expectations and attitudes impact how kids approach work.

This is one area of influence that you can control.

However, parent expectations of a child’s school success are tricky. If they are too high, they may give up. It’s all too hard.

Too low, and they’ll meet them. They’re merely cruising.

Above their current level, but with effort, within reach- now you’re talking.

Encourage your child to embrace challenges, learn from mistakes, and view setbacks as opportunities for growth, which can help them develop resilience and a positive attitude toward learning.

Praise effort, not just results

Focus on praising your child's effort, persistence, and hard work rather than solely on their achievements.

This reinforces the idea that effort leads to improvement, fostering a growth mindset that’s so helpful for learning.

Develop the skills of self-sufficiency

There’s a strong correlation between your child’s personal agency and success at school. You can quickly build your child’s competency and confidence by teaching them the skills of independence and autonomy.

Encourage self-reflection and goal-setting.

Help your child reflect on their learning experiences and identify areas for improvement.

Use questions such as “What can you learn from this?” “What will you do differently next time?” to encourage your child to reflect on their efforts and work toward improvement rather than be stymied by mistakes and challenges.

Expert tip: Encourage them to set goals and develop action plans to achieve them. This means breaking more significant tasks—e.g., a school project—into smaller chunks and planning work over a set period.

5. Create a positive learning environment

A positive and supportive learning environment at home can significantly impact a child's academic success.

Start by creating a learning-friendly environment and providing the necessary resources to help your child stay focused and motivated.

Create a designated learning area

Set up a quiet, well-lit, and organised study area where your child can complete homework and study without distractions.

Avoid having your child do homework in bed, as this habit can make them associate their bed with work, making it harder for them to sleep.

Provide learning resources

Ensure your child has access to the necessary supplies, such as books, stationery, and educational tools. Consider incorporating technology, such as educational apps and online resources, to enhance their learning experience.

Encourage curiosity and exploration

Foster a love for learning by encouraging your child to explore their interests and ask questions. Provide opportunities for hands-on learning experiences, such as science experiments, art projects, and educational outings.

Expert tip: Keep the learning space free of play and other activities so that children associate it with learning.

Finally….

Parents play a vital role in their children's academic success.

By establishing a consistent routine, fostering a love of reading, communicating with teachers, setting reasonable yet high expectations, and creating a positive learning environment, parents can provide the support and guidance their children need to thrive at school.

Your child can develop the skills and confidence needed to succeed academically and beyond with your support and encouragement.

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Most parenting advice is about how to keep our children close; I want to talk about how to let them go—one micro-habit at a time.

As parents, our greatest success isn’t in what we do for our children, but in what they can eventually do without us.

That means we need to make ourselves redundant (not irrelevant) as early as possible so kids can have agency over their own lives, relationships and emotions.

This is a strategic shift from being a manager who controls to a leader who mentors.

It’s about building the Triple C: Confidence, Competence, and Capacity.

• Confidence: Building self-belief by reducing anxiety and celebrating “glorious failures.”

• Competence: Equipping children with the technical and life skills to act independently.

• Capacity: Strengthening the emotional “muscles” required to navigate struggle and social complexity.

The easiest way to raise “can-do” kids is to follow the Redundancy Roadmap.

To get there, I encourage parents to develop these five essential habits:

1. Practice the “Never Do” Rule to Encourage Self-sufficiency

This is the cornerstone of the Redundancy Roadmap.

It’s simple but difficult to execute: Never do for a child what they can do for themselves.

When we tie the shoes of a child who is capable of doing it, we aren’t being “helpful we are communicating that we don’t trust their competence.

Every time you hold back and let them struggle through a task, you are depositing into their “Confidence” account.

“What are you routinely doing for your child that they can do for themselves?”

2. Use The 10-Second Pause to Build Capacity

When life gets busy, expediency takes over. We often take the path of least resistance.

When a child fumbles for a word, struggles with a zipper, or hits a snag in a sibling game, our instinct is to dive in.

Problem solved. Move on with life.

Well-intentioned, but not doing kids any favours in the long run.

Instead, count to ten.

That ten-second gap is where a child’s Capacity grows.

It gives them the space to think, “I can handle this,” before you offer a scaffold of support.

If you want your child to be resourceful, you need to give them opportunities to develop their own resources. That means stepping back rather than rushing in when difficulties emerge.

3. Point Your Feet to Build Connection

Parenting is about presence, not just verbal commands.

When your child comes to you, stop what you are doing and physically point your feet toward them.

This tiny shift in body language moves the relationship from a transactional “management” exchange to a deep “leadership” connection.

It tells them they are heard, which is the foundational soil where Confidence grows.

This simple skill enables you to listen, guide, mentor, suggest- whatever your child needs.

Giving your child space to solve their own problems is different to emotional distance. Maintaining a strong bond is reassuring when they struggle, so that they know they aren’t alone.

4. Move to “Consultant” Language to Promote Resourcefulness

Do you constantly give orders to your kids?

If so, reduce the number of orders and start asking for plans.

Instead of saying, “Put your coat on, it’s cold,” try asking, “It’s raining outside—what’s your plan for staying dry on the way to soccer?”

By using consultant language, you are handing the “cognitive load” back to the child.

Yes, you're inviting them to solve their own problems and develop vital agency over their own lives.

They tackle their own problems, rather than giving them to you to solve.

Step back from being the manager of their life; step up to the role of mentor, helping them navigate their own way.

5. Use Side-by-Side Communication to Build Emotional Capacity

One of the most difficult parts of family life is talking to kids on a deeper, emotional level.

Much of our language with kids is transactional -” What do you want for dinner? How was your day? Time for bed.”

If you want kids to open up about what they’re thinking and feeling, you need to use specific tools.

One of the best ways to have deeper conversations with kids, especially boys, is to speak with them while they are engaged with you.

Side-by-side. Shoulder-to shoulder. Doing things together.

Wash the car together, go for a walk, or shoot some hoops.

When their hands are busy and their eyes are focused on the activity, their tongues often loosen.

The pressure is off, and the real conversation begins. It’s where you find out what your child thinks and feels.

This simple activity builds their Capacity to articulate their internal world without feeling under a microscope.

It builds their self-knowledge and self-regulation, which are essential to their future success.

The Long Road to Redundancy

Raising “can-do” kids doesn’t happen by accident.

It happens when we intentionally work ourselves out of a job.

It’s about stepping back, so they have the room to step up.

Yes, it’s about becoming redundant as a parent, but not in one step.

It’s a gradual process, one problem, one process and one piece of personal power at a time.

Finally…….

My challenge to you. Pick just one area where you are currently “over-servicing” your child. Maybe it’s making their bed, packing their sports bag, or resolving a recurring argument for them.

Apply the Redundancy Roadmap.

Step back, use the 10-Second Pause, and watch what happens. You might be surprised at just how capable your “can-do” kid actually is when given the space to lead.

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Parenting is an incredible journey, but it shouldn’t feel like a constant scramble to keep up.

Modern advice often shifts, but the core foundation of raising a good human remains consistent.

That’s why these timeless principles exist—they smooth the path and simplify the day-to-day choices.

After decades spent working with countless families, I’ve had a front-row seat to what genuinely works and what simply doesn’t.

Stop guessing; start building.

Here are the nine valuable lessons every parent should know.

1. Forge a strong family identity

The path to what you want for your kids—confidence, resilience, success, happiness—is found by giving them a strong sense of who they are and where they come from.

It's about establishing a family identity.

Think of it as your family's brand—what you stand for, your core values, and your unique traditions.

This isn't about being perfect; it's about creating a shared history.

For example, my family has a "no screens at the dinner table" rule. It's not just a rule; it's part of our identity—we value connecting and communicating with one another.

When children know their family's story, they feel a sense of belonging that provides a solid foundation to face the world.

Expert tip: Use family rituals, such as mealtimes, birthdays, and other celebrations, to build a strong, close family.

2. Learn to laugh at mistakes

Perfection and parenting shouldn’t be in the same sentence!

We're all going to mess up, and that's okay.

What's not okay is taking ourselves too seriously.

When you make a mistake—maybe you lose your cool and yell, or you forget to pack their lunch—don't hide it.

Instead, own your mistakes with a sense of humour.

It shows your kids that it's human to be imperfect and that the world won't end when you make a mistake.

It models resilience and teaches them to forgive both themselves and others.

Kids don't need perfect parents; they need real parents.

Expert tip: Use playful banter to build a connection. Parents who use banter are more likely to have serious conversations with children and teens about real-life issues such as sexuality, mental health and body image.

3. Let kids struggle

It's natural to want to protect your child from pain and disappointment. It hurts to see them struggle.

But struggle, disappointment, loss and other challenges are part of life.

Forgot their homework? Let them face the consequences with their teacher.

Lost a game? Let them feel the disappointment.

A friend moved home? Sitting with sadness is difficult, but necessary.

When you constantly step in to solve their problems, you're robbing them of the chance to develop crucial life skills.

The best thing you can do for your kids is to let them struggle a little.

Of course, you should be there to offer support and a listening ear, but you shouldn't swoop in and fix it for them.

Allow them to face adversity, and you're teaching them problem-solving, resilience, and the satisfaction of overcoming a challenge on their own.

Expert tip: Tell your children about the times you’ve struggled, letting them know how you overcame your problems.

4. Focus on strengths, not just weaknesses

We tend to focus on what our kids aren't doing well.

Their grades could be better, their room is a mess, or they aren't listening.

While it's essential to address these issues, it's just as important, if not more so, to highlight their strengths.

Notice when they're being kind to their sibling, praise their effort in a hobby they love, or acknowledge their creativity.

When you celebrate their natural talents and positive traits, you build their confidence and motivate them to lean into what they do well.

This positive reinforcement creates a much more encouraging and supportive family environment.

Expert tip: Purposefully set your antennae to pick up kids’ positive behaviours and their strengths rather than what they can’t do.

5. Give kids real responsibility

Children thrive on having a sense of purpose and making a contribution.

Giving them chores and responsibilities isn't about getting free labour; it's about building their competence and sense of belonging.

Starting from a young age, give them tasks that are manageable for their age and ability.

They can help set the table, sort laundry, or feed the family pet.

When they contribute to the household, they feel valued as part of the team.

This feeling of being needed builds their self-worth and teaches them that their actions have a positive impact on the family as a whole.

And avoid rescuing when they inevitably make a mistake. That takes the responsibility away.

Expert tip: Use a roster or chores chart to distribute family chores and responsibilities. Visual charts remove the authority from you to ensure jobs are done. “It says it’s your job on the roster!”

6. Avoid making decisions out of guilt

Parenting is a constant balancing act, and it's easy to feel guilty, especially if you're a busy working parent.

It’s hard with the current child-focused parenting era we’re in.

Maybe you missed a school event or had to say "no" to something they really wanted.

While it's important to acknowledge your feelings, as a general rule, avoid making decisions based on guilt.

Giving in to a child's demand just because you feel bad about something else sends the wrong message.

It teaches them that they can manipulate you with your emotions. Instead, make decisions based on what is best for the child and the family in the long run.

Expert tip: Develop the habit of taking a few breaths and stepping away for a few seconds before speaking to kids when you’re stressed.

7. Use the power of routines

Kids feel safe and secure when they know what to expect. You know this, but sometimes we get tired and forget, or get lax on dinner times, bedtime and the like.

But routines provide a sense of stability and predictability that reduces anxiety and power struggles.

This isn't about having a rigid, minute-by-minute schedule.

It's ensuring a general flow to your days—a predictable routine for mornings, mealtimes, and bedtime.

For example, a bedtime routine might involve brushing teeth, reading a book, and then a quick chat about the day.

This structure makes life simpler for you and your children and promotes a calm family life.

Expert tip: Develop two routines. Have a weekday routine and a more relaxed weekend routine, so you don’t feel like you’re always on the hamster wheel.

8. Discipline with dignity

Discipline is about teaching, not punishing.

It should be done in a way that preserves a child's self-esteem.

When you're correcting a behaviour, remember to focus on the action, not the child.

Instead of saying, "You're a bad boy for hitting your sister," say, "Hitting is not okay.

Teach kids to use their words to express their feelings.

This approach separates the behaviour from the child's identity and reminds them how to make better choices next time.

It reinforces the idea that they are good kids who sometimes make poor choices.

Expert tip: Refer to behaviour as a choice they make. This reinforces that behaviour is driven by them rather than emotions.

9. Connect before you correct

Before you jump into a lecture or a correction, take a moment to connect with your child. This is especially important during those moments of high emotion.

If your child is upset or acting out, get down to their level, make eye contact, and acknowledge their feelings.

Say something like, "I can see you're really frustrated right now."

This simple act of empathy shows them that you see and hear them.

Once they feel understood and connected to you, they will be much more receptive to your guidance.

Expert tip: Choose the time and place for speaking with kids, taking their behaviour into account. Avoid talking when you or they are angry, and it's always easier to discuss things in private than in public.

Finally…

Embrace these lessons not as rigid rules, but as helpful principles.

Trust your instincts, celebrate small wins, and play the parenting long game.

Be present when you're with your kids, but always keep an eye on the future because that’s when your current parenting efforts usually bear the biggest fruit.

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The most potent force shaping a girl’s view of herself and the world isn’t her mother, her friends, or social media—it’s the quality time spent with her father.

Fathers are a daughter’s first blueprint for the male world, and the quality of that early relationship is absolutely vital for her future confidence and choices.

But for many dads, once their daughter moves past the toddler years and into primary school, the ‘how’ of bonding can become a bit fuzzy.

The old script of tickling games and roughhousing starts to run out of steam, and a daughter’s interests might feel, well, a little foreign.

This is where many fathers miss a massive opportunity.

The most valuable investment a dad can make in his daughter’s life isn’t money or big holiday trips—it’s time together focused on a shared activity.

When you step into your daughter’s world, or invite her into yours, you’re not just having fun; you are actively building her character, resilience, and self-belief. It’s parenting gold.

Your Involvement Sends A Strong Message

Some fathers shy away from joining their daughters in their interests because they feel ill-equipped. “I can’t do ballet,” “I don’t know how to braid hair,” or “I’m useless at drawing.”

As an at-home dad when raising my girls in the early 2000’s, I can relate to this.

But those were my hang-ups, not theirs.

I soon realised that I didn’t have to be the perfect dad, just be present. The same principle applies to fathers and daughters in the 2020’s.

When you sit on the floor and build a complicated LEGO set, play basketball outside, or make a snack with your daughter, you send her three powerful messages:

1. “Your world is important to me.”

2. “I value your choices and your interests.”

3. “It’s okay for men to be involved in things that aren’t traditionally male.

That third point is huge.

By willingly embracing her world—be it competitive chess, making stop-motion videos, or reading the next instalment of a fantasy series—you affirm her passions, regardless of what society deems “girly” or “boyish.”

This helps break down limiting gender stereotypes and gives her permission to be exactly who she wants to be.

Building her Confidence

The real pay-off comes in the form of your daughter’s confidence.

Loads of evidence link a father’s involvement in his daughter’s life to greater self-confidence during the teen years and beyond. You do this in two ways.

1. Take an interest in her interests. Be interested in what she is doing. Ask questions about her hobbies. Join her in activities. Don’t be a bystander in her life.

2. Introduce her to your interests. Bring her into your hobbies and interests. If you’re a cricket nut, a car enthusiast, or a fishing nerd, give her the chance to join in. It’s through shared passions that strong father-daughter bonds are built.

Keep it Practical

You don’t need a huge time commitment; you need consistency and presence.

Here are three simple, practical ways to make shared interests a habit:

1. The 15-Minute Rule.

Pick an activity she loves—maybe reading a book aloud together or helping her sort her Pokémon cards—and dedicate 15 minutes of fully present, focused time every day. It’s better than two hours on a Sunday when everyone is tired. Your consistent presence is the key ingredient.

2. The Project Pivot.

Instead of just asking about her day, turn an existing chore or activity into a project you tackle together. Need to fix the squeaky back door? It’s now a ‘Father-Daughter Engineering Challenge.’ Need to choose new garden plants? It’s a ‘Horticultural Mission.’ You get the job done, she learns a practical skill, and you build a memory together.

3. The ‘No Commentary’ Zone.

When she’s showing you something she’s proud of (a piece of art, a story, a high score in a game), your job is to listen and observe—not to critique, coach, or fix.

Just offer genuine curiosity: “Tell me how you made this section work.” or “That was clever, how did you figure that out?”

Validation comes from paying attention, not from offering advice.

Finally……

The primary school years are a vital time for a dad to establish his role as a prime source of love, confidence, and respect in his daughter’s life.

If you're not sure how, do what men do best—make it up as you go along.

Loosen up. Have fun. Enjoy the time you spend with your daughter.

It will relax you and pay dividends later, when she moves into adolescence and relationships can get a little testy.

She may not want to spend as much time with you then, but you’ll have enough credits in your Relationship Bank Account to have some real influence in this interesting stage of your daughter’s life.

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What does it truly take to raise a good man in today’s world?

Shaping a child who is kind, confident, and capable is the ultimate parenting goal.

Raising boys, however, often comes with its own specific challenges—a blend of loud, boundless energy and sometimes maddening unpredictability.

Yet, buried beneath the noise is a crucial need for focused guidance and a strong connection.

The good news?

You don’t need to struggle alone or invent a complex parenting system. I’ve distilled the best advice into 13 simple, research-backed tools.

These strategies are designed to help harness your son’s natural energy, fostering a confident, happy, well-behaved boy who is ready to meet life head-on.

Tool 1: Play Dirty (and Rough).

The notion of roughhouse play has been around for a long time.

Little boys love it - as do many girls.

Roughhouse play - when you’re on the floor in a full-on wrestle with a boy - is more than having fun.

When done safely, roughhouse play teaches boys about boundaries, self-control, and reading social cues.

As Dr Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play in the US, has found, rough-and-tumble play helps boys develop the “social brain” and can be a powerful antidote to aggression.

Expert Tip: Before you start, set a clear boundary. “We’re going to play wrestle, but when I say ‘stop’ you have to stop immediately.” This simple rule teaches him to respect boundaries and control his impulses in the heat of the moment.

Tool 2: Build their Emotional Literacy

”Big Boys don’t cry!”

Oh, please. Yes, they do.

And they should.

Raising an emotionally intelligent boy means teaching him to identify and express his feelings in healthy ways.

Don’t shut down healthy emotions such as tears (when they’re appropriate and not attention-seeking).

Instead, create a safe space for the tears to flow.

Research from the University of Sussex in the UK found that parents who discuss emotions with their sons have children who are more socially competent and empathetic. This involves giving emotions a name, helping them recognise different emotions, and providing them with tools to regulate their feelings.

Take a deep breath, anyone!

This longitudinal study found that boys who can identify and express their feelings are less likely to act out in aggressive ways because they have a healthy alternative for dealing with strong emotions.

Expert Tip: Use a “feeling check-in” at the dinner table. Ask each family member to share one high point and one low point of their day, and name the feeling associated with it. This normalises talking about emotions and provides him with a safe space to share.

Tool 3: Give your Son Real Responsibility

Anyone who has followed my writing would know my strong penchant for assigning chores to boys and girls, without paying them.

This is more than expecting kids to pull their weight - and think “We” not “Me’.

Research from the University of New South Wales in Australia found that chores are essential for a boy’s development.

Their study found that boys who regularly participate in household chores from an early age are more likely to have a stronger sense of social responsibility and agency, which are key predictors of later success. It builds his confidence and a sense of contribution to the family unit.

This, in turn. gives a boy a sense of belonging and purpose.

Expert Tip: Give your son a job that other people rely on. Whether it’s setting the meal table, feeding a pet or taking over the family garbage system as an early teen, these tasks make them feel important and elevate their sense of contribution.

Tool 4: Allow Him to Mess up… and Learn

You may have already discovered that your son is a highly heuristic learner.

That is, he learns many of his prime lessons from experience, whether positive or negative.

You can tell your son all you like not to touch the wet paint, but he’s more than likely to find out for himself.

“Yep, it’s wet. Now my hand is full of wet paint.”

He may do it several times until the lesson sinks in.

When he messes up, don’t rush in to fix it (or roll your eyes). Let him experience the natural consequences of his actions, like forgetting his homework or leaving his lunch box behind.

As Dr. Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessing of a B-Minus, argues, allowing boys to experience setbacks and disappointment is essential for their long-term well-being and happiness. Fixing mistakes, she says, robs a boy of the opportunity to develop grit and resourcefulness.

Expert Tip: When he fails, instead of offering solutions, ask questions. “What do you think you can do about this?”, “How can you fix this?” or “What did you learn from this?” This encourages him to find his own solution to the problem, rather than relying on you.

Tool 5: Expose Him to Positive Role Models

Boys learn how to be male from the men in their lives.

It’s that simple.

This is why having a positive male figure in their life is essential.

As the renowned Australian psychologist Steve Biddulph highlights, there is a “father stage” of boyhood, around ages 6 to 14, when a boy’s father becomes the primary parent in terms of interest and activity.

This relationship provides a blueprint for what it means to be a good man. When a father is absent, a positive male mentor (an uncle, a grandfather, a family friend) can fill this vital role.

A good role model provides a blueprint for healthy masculinity, showing boys how to manage their emotions, relate to others, take care of their well-being, and much more.

The presence of healthy role models has been shown to reduce the incidence of risky behaviours. A longitudinal study from the University of Melbourne in Australia found that a strong, positive male role model is a significant protective factor against dangerous behaviours in boys, including aggression and substance abuse.

Expert Tip: Deliberately expose him to positive male role models. This could be through a sport you both enjoy, a hobby like fishing, or simply spending time with a trusted male family member.

Tool 6: Use Boy-friendly Discipline

Yelling, nagging, and punishments often backfire.

Instead, focus on clear boundaries and positive reinforcement. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, advocates for “connect before you correct.”

His brain research shows that a child is more receptive to a parent’s guidance when they feel understood and connected to them.

This makes him more likely to cooperate and learn from his mistakes.

Expert Tip: When a behaviour needs correction, get down to his level, make eye contact, and speak in a calm voice. A simple phrase like, “I’m going to wait until you are calm to talk about this,” can do wonders.

Tool 7: Encourage Healthy Risk-Taking

Most boys have a natural urge to push boundaries and test limits. Yep, it’s a kid-thing, but it’s more common for boys than girls.

Just watch two seven-year-old boys involved in some free play (that is, free from adult eyes) and eventually they will dare each other to….. well, you can use your imagination on that one.

The point is, boys are prone to pushing each other — and themselves — higher, faster, lower, deeper, and yes, sillier.

Instead of squashing this, channel it into healthy risk-taking.

A 2017 study from the University of Washington found that boys who were allowed to engage in “risky” outdoor play had a lower risk of anxiety and phobias. This is true for both genders.

Nothing new there.

However, the researchers found that boys who engaged in risky outdoor play were also less likely to engage in risk-taking behaviours as teenagers, having learned to assess risk during childhood. That is significant!

Expert Tip: As a boy climbs, don’t hover and shout “be careful!” from below. Instead, offer quiet support. “You can do it. I’m here if you need me.” This tells him you trust his ability and judgment, which builds his confidence.

Tool 8: Practise Patience.

Raising boys requires a deep well of patience.

They can be slow to listen, quick to act, and prone to messy mistakes.

A study from the Max Planck Institute in Germany showed that mothers and fathers who practice patience raise boys who are more emotionally secure and have fewer behavioural problems.

They also don’t raise their eyebrows, inhale or turn away when boys are slow to pick things up, annoy them or just cbs (can’t be stuffed).

They know that their sons have L plates when it comes to learning new things, behaving well and adjusting to new social situations.

A patient parent responds to a boy’s needs rather than reacts emotionally to their behaviour.

And patience, like any habit, takes practice, so you won’t always get things right.

Expert Tip: When your patience is wearing thin, try the “three-second rule.” Before you react, take a deep breath and count to three. This gives your brain time to switch from an emotional response to a thoughtful one.

Tool 9: Practise Shoulder-to-Shoulder Communication

Boys usually communicate differently from girls.

For many boys, communication works better when it’s shoulder-to-shoulder rather than a face-to-face conversation.

It also works better when it’s activity-based.

They might open up while you’re working on a car, throwing a ball, or fishing.

Instead of forcing a chat, look for these moments of “side-by-side” communication. As Dr Michael Gurian, a leading US expert on raising boys, suggests, understanding this communication style is key to building a strong relationship and getting them to open up.

Expert Tip: If you want to have a difficult conversation with your son, don’t sit him down and stare at him. Take him for a drive, go for a walk, or throw a frisbee around. The activity creates a comfortable space for him to talk without feeling put on the spot.

Tool 10: Teach Him to Respect Himself, Others and His Environment

Respect is a big issue at the moment—especially when it comes to boys. It starts with respecting himself, spreading to others and to the environment in which he lives (including his bedroom)

Respect forms the basis of every healthy relationship.

Every relationship.

Boys must learn this at home first. Yes, schools teach it, but parents generally have more currency than teachers when it comes to this vital relationship skill.

Respect is a two-way street.

It’s not about respecting your elders any more. Treat your son with respect, and expect him to treat you with the same respect.

It’s a mutual arrangement.

Expert Tip: Expect your son to use good manners. Manners are respect in action. Good social manners (please, thank you, you’re welcome) are powerful door openers at all levels of society because they epitomise respectful behaviour. Teach them to your son and he’ll go a long way.

Tool 11: Prioritise Physical Activity

Boys need to move. They need to burn off energy.

Also, many boys think better when they move.

Whether it’s sports, hiking, or just running around the yard, physical activity is vital for their physical and mental health.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends at least 60 minutes of moderate-to-vigorous physical activity for children each day.

Research from the University of Copenhagen in Denmark has consistently shown a link between regular physical activity and a reduction in symptoms of ADHD and anxiety, as well as improved cognitive function.

I suspect you know this stuff, but sometimes it’s good to be reminded that your son “should go outside and play.”

Expert Tip: Make it fun, not a chore. Instead of saying “You need to exercise,” say “Let’s see who can run to that tree the fastest!” or “Let’s have a family dance party.”

Tool 12: Create a “No Phone” Zone

As our lives become more digital, it’s crucial to create boundaries around screens and other electronic devices.

I know you’ve heard this before, but screen time limits are essential for boys, as they develop face-to-face social skills more slowly than girls do, which are crucial for success in all areas of life.

Yes, girls’ early brains are geared toward developing social, fine-motor, and verbal skills, while boys’ early brains focus on gross-motor, visual, and spatial abilities.

For girls, social niceties are caught, while for boys they’re often taught.

Expert Tip: Make family dinner a “no phone” zone for everyone, including you. When you put your phone away, you’re not just setting a rule—you’re showing him that he and your family are more important than what’s on your screen.

Bonus Tool 13: Don’t Just Love Him, Like Him.

Tell your boy that your love is unconditional. No matter his mistakes, struggles, or successes, your love remains constant.

More than this, let your son know that you like him. That he is a likable soul. Tell him you enjoy spending time with him. You enjoy his company.

Want to cut straight to your son’s heart?

Tell him you’re proud of him — and why. That will stop him in his tracks, particularly if it comes from his father.

Boys ache for parental approval, so give it to him in words and actions. You don’t need research to tell you that.

Expert Tip: Tell him you love him, but also show him through your actions. Give him a hug when he’s had a tough day, leave a note in his lunch box, and be his biggest cheerleader. These small gestures reinforce that your love is an enduring force in his life.

Finally………….

Raising a boy to be kind, confident, and capable doesn’t require complex strategies—it needs a good heart and a clear mind.

The thirteen tools you’ve just read are not just good ideas; they are research-backed practices that build the foundational skills your son needs: from the emotional regulation taught during roughhouse play to the self-reliance fostered by meaningful responsibility.

Your son is watching and learning, absorbing lessons about emotion, effort, and what it means to be a good person from the role models and environment you provide.

By choosing to step back and let him mess up and learn, to prioritise shoulder-to-shoulder communication over a face-to-face interrogation, and to like him for who he is, you are actively shaping his future success and happiness.

Putting into practice

You don’t have to implement all thirteen tools at once.

To start building a stronger, more connected relationship with your son today, pick one tool from this list—perhaps scheduling ten minutes of safe roughhouse play or implementing a simple feeling check-in at dinner—and commit to practising it for the next week.

Which simple tool will you choose to implement today to make the most significant positive difference in your son’s life?

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“I can’t do this. It’s too hard,” mumbled 10-year-old Zoe, pushing a cardboard box away in frustration.

The assignment—a complex diorama of an Amazon rainforest ecosystem, a major, multi-week school project—looked more like a mountain than the fun challenge it had seemed an hour ago.

The sheer number of elements, the detail required, and the blank shoebox were overwhelming.

She was about to give up, not due to lack of ability, but because she couldn’t figure out the first small step to take.

The Goldilocks Zone of Struggle

This story shows the difference between productive effort and destructive frustration.

Natural struggle is necessary; it’s the mental friction that fires the brain’s synapses, builds problem-solving skills, and deepens learning.

If a task is too easy, the brain doesn’t grow.

However, when a task feels too big—when the difficulty exceeds a child’s current ability to tackle it unsupported—that friction turns into a destructive burn.

Unsupported struggle leads to frustration, tears, and a feeling of failure, ultimately causing a child to withdraw from similar challenges in the future.

Your Parenting ‘Scaffolding’ Strategy

So, how do you help them get to the finish line without doing the work for them?

You use a brilliant strategy straight out of educational psychology called Scaffolding.

Think about a construction crew building a skyscraper.

They don’t just start balancing on the roof!

They first put up that temporary metal frame—the scaffolding.

It holds everything up, gives the builders a secure place to stand, and allows them to focus on the task: building a strong, lasting structure.

As soon as that building can stand on its own, the scaffolding is removed.

Scaffolding is the temporary support you provide to bridge the gap between what your child can do with help and what they can do all by themselves.

It’s not spoon-feeding; it’s smart, targeted support that leads to independence.

Three Guiding Principles to Scaffold Successfully

If scaffolding is your temporary support structure, you need to know precisely how to build it—and more importantly, when to take it down.

Good scaffolding doesn’t rescue your child; it gives them just enough help to succeed.

Here are the three essential principles to keep in mind when applying this tool.

1. Identify the Sweet Spot

It’s essential to find the sweet spot between what your child can do entirely on their own and what they can’t do at all, even with help.

Your job is to find the challenge that’s “just right.”

• Too easy? They get bored. No struggle, no growth.

• Too hard? They get frustrated and quit (like Zoe with the whole diorama).

• Just right (The Goldilocks principle)? They need your help to start or solve a tricky part, but they can handle most of the work themselves. This is where real learning happens.

The key is to step back first to and identify their struggle.

Avoid rushing in with solutions; observe where they get stuck. That’s the sweet spot for scaffolding support.

2. Break Down the Task

Your child can’t build a skyscraper by starting on the tenth floor. They need the foundation laid first.

When you see your child getting overwhelmed, step in and act as the project manager, not the builder.

• Model the first step: Instead of telling Zoe to “start the diorama,” sit beside her and say, “Let’s make a plan. Step 1 is figuring out the layout. You draw the river, I’ll label the zones.” Model the behaviour, then hand the tool over.

• Use Checklists and Visuals: Complex tasks always feel more manageable when they’re broken into small, conquerable chunks. A to-do list that says “Create a list of 5 animals” instead of “Make a rainforest” is less intimidating and more doable.

• Focus on Process, Not Perfection: If you focus on the outcome, you’re encouraging dependency. Scaffolding focuses on teaching the skill. Say, “How did you figure out the scale?” not, “That tree should be taller.”

3. Fade and Withdraw Support

This is the most crucial principle and the sign that your scaffolding is hitting its mark

Your support should be temporary, so know when to step away.

If you keep the scaffolding up forever, the building will never be able to stand on its own!

• Your goal as a parent is Redundancy: You want to make yourself obsolete (but not irrelevant). Every time you help, think: “How can I make sure I don’t have to do this part next time?”

• Shift Responsibility to your child: Start by doing 80% of the work and having them watch. Soon, they do 80%, then check. Eventually, you are just signing the permission slip and asking, “When do you plan to start?”

• Embrace mistakes: If you withdraw support and they mess up, that’s okay! They’ll be learning a valuable lesson from the natural consequence (missing a deadline, getting a lower mark) rather than from your nagging.

These three principles—finding the sweet spot, breaking down the task, and knowing when to fade—are the foundation for raising capable, confident, and independent kids.

Putting Scaffolding Into Practice

Scaffolding isn’t just for school projects; it’s your go-to strategy for raising capable kids in every area of life.

Here are three practical techniques you can use today:

1. The Power of “Tell Me What You’ll Do” (Chores & Routines)

It’s easy to get stuck in the cycle of nagging. You tell your kids exactly what to do, which forces them into a dependent or resistant role.

Scaffolding flips this script by prompting them to take ownership.

The Problem: “Go clean your room. Don’t forget to make your bed, put away your laundry, and vacuum.” (100% parental management).

The Scaffolding Approach (Shifting Responsibility): Instead, focus on the result, then ask them to outline the steps. “I see your room needs to be cleaned before dinner. Tell me the first three steps you’ll take to get that done.“

By having them articulate the plan, you are making them the project manager. The support you provide is simply helping them visualise the task and prioritise, not physically doing it.

2. Pre-Gaming the Problem (Social & Emotional Skills)

Kids can get overwhelmed by situations and tasks.

Scaffolding is brilliant for building social resilience by preparing them for potential challenges before they happen.

The Problem: You send a shy or anxious child to a birthday party and expect them to handle all the social anxiety on the fly.

The Scaffolding Approach (Modelling and Rehearsal): If your child is struggling with saying “no” to a peer or needs to apologise to a sibling, practise the conversation beforehand. Play the role of the sibling or friend and let your child try out different lines.

This low-stakes rehearsal provides them with the language and emotional script they need to handle the real situation independently when the moment arrives. You are giving them a template, not a bailout.

3. The “Check-In” Not the “Take-Over” (Homework and Learning)

Homework often turns into a power struggle because kids sense they can rely on you to catch their errors or make sure they do it. Homework then becomes your responsibility.

Scaffolding means being available, but maintaining distance.

The Problem: Sitting right next to them, pointing out every mistake as they make it, or, worse, redoing their work.

The Scaffolding Approach (Guided Questions): When they get stuck, resist the urge to give the answer. Use smart, targeted questions to guide their thinking back to the solution.

• Instead of: “No, you forgot to carry the one.”

• Try: “What rule do we use for this type of problem? Show me where the example in the textbook is.”

• Instead of: “Your sentence is incomplete.”

• Try: “Read that sentence out loud. Does it sound like it’s finished? What’s missing?”

By asking questions, you teach them the process of self-correction—the ultimate goal of independence. They learn that the answer is within their reach.

The Path to Kids’ Agency and Parental Freedom

The greatest gift of scaffolding is that it gives your child their independence and, perhaps surprisingly, gives you your time back.

While it’s initially time-consuming, it saves you lots of time and energy down the track.

However, its main aim is to develop real agency in your child.

The Shift from Fixer to Facilitator (of Learning & Growth)

Scaffolding is a strategic approach to parenting that sets your kids up for future success.

When you practice the principles of finding the sweet spot, breaking down tasks, and quickly fading your help, a massive shift occurs:

• Your child’s confidence soars. They learn, through repeated small successes, that they are capable of handling bigger challenges. The “I can’t do this!” sigh of frustration is replaced by the satisfying, quiet concentration of ownership.

• You become the facilitator, not the fixer. Your role changes from constantly fixing problems to occasionally checking in and offering guidance. You spend less time nagging and more time building relationships.

The ultimate measure of successful parenting isn’t how well your children perform while living under your roof; it’s how well they manage life when they eventually leave it.

So, the next time your child hits a wall, resist the urge to jump in and take over.

Instead, pause, offer a tool, show them the first brick, and then step back. You are building a secure, independent structure that will last long after the temporary supports are gone.

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Hello readers,

This special newsletter, focusing on encouragement—one of the most essential tools in a parent’s toolbox—includes a section expecially for fathers. Something a little different, but important.

This newsletter is available to all Paid subscribers and our Parenting Toolbox School Members, who can share it with their school community.

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Encouragement is one of the best tools to have in your parenting toolbox.

It builds confidence, competence and courage in kids.

Each element supports the other, paving the way for kids’ growth, development and learning.

It derives from the French term coure’, meaning ‘to give heart’.

Now, that’s got to be the most wonderful, influential skill to have, whether you’re an employer, coach, friend, or parent. It’s also versatile, as it can be used with perfectionists, low-risk takers, deeply discouraged kids, and more.

Encouragement takes many forms, such as:

• Cheering a friend on at the end of a fun run

• Boosting a family member when they’re having a bad day

• Putting your arms around your teenager when they’re disappointed with exam results

• Lighting up your face when a young child begins to walk

These are all instinctive, spur-of-the-moment, encouraging acts that everyone can relate to.

But how do you give heart to a child or teen who really needs it.

When they’re really struggling, when life sucks, or worse, they think they suck. When they don’t try because they want to avoid failure.

Here’s the thing: It’s often hardest to encourage kids who need it the most. They can make us feel discouraged, too.

Here’s how to ensure you use encouragement effectively to make a lasting difference to those who receive it—whether it's your child, a family member, a work colleague, or a friend.

1.     Keep it real

There’s a recent trend to heap praise on kids just for standing and drawing breath! We do kids a disservice when our praise becomes like a nervous tic!

We don’t genuinely support kids when we praise them just for the basics of life. It’s pointless.

Make sure your encouragement is meaningful. Give it when kids really need it – when they’re self-belief is lagging; when they think they can’t succeed; when they’ve lost a game for the umpteenth time in a row.

Expert tip: One way to keep it real is to use specific, descriptive language. “That was brilliant, the way you did your homework straight after school. I can see you’re really thinking about it. Keep up the good efforts.”

2.     Choose the right time

Timing is everything with communication. And yes, encouragement is a form of communication, albeit a very significant form.

Wait until an angry child has calmed down before you offer your encouragement.

Help them calm down. Cuddle them if you can. The same goes with an angry teen, but maybe hold off on the cuddles. Then again, maybe not.

It’s pointless encouraging kids when their emotions are high. They won’t take your messages on board.

Expert tip: Wait until their shoulders slump, which is a sign that they’re ready to listen.

3.     Focus on ICE

You’ve probably noticed I’ve avoided (mostly) using the term ‘praise’. That’s because praise and encouragement are diametrically different.

Praise focuses on the results (good marks, a big score, winning a game) of what a child does, and encouragement focuses on the process.

That’s a big difference. Rather than praise the results, which keeps kids reliant on the approval of others for their self-esteem, focus on these three processes:

Improvement: “You’re getting better at….”

Contribution: “Yep, you’re becoming a valuable member of the team.”

Effort: “Yowsers! If you try any harder, you’ll burst a fupher valve.”

The theory goes something like this: Focus on the processes (encouragement), and the results will invariably come.

My life experience backs this up 100%. I hope your life experiences support this as well.

A caveat: I’ve worked with some parents who have had very few encouragers in their lives, so they can’t relate to encouragement in any way, shape, or form. If you can relate to this, seek out encouraging people and watch how they go about it.

4.     Say it like you mean it.

Here’s a little trick to try.

Say the following with your palms out, facing down, “Wow! That was such a good effort!”

How did you go? My guess is you sounded a little flat. Unenthusiastic!

Now offer the exact words of encouragement with your palms out, facing upwards.

Notice any difference? If not, repeat the process.

Hopefully, you were more animated with your palms up.

The point?

You can say “Well done, you!” all you like, but your facial expression and body language offer the real encouragement. Palms ignites your relational side, and that makes all the difference.

Expert tip: Become animated when you encourage so the message sinks in.

5.     Add a little touch for emphasis

Parents of neurodiverse children will know that a gentle touch on their child’s arm while they talk, dramatically increases the likelihood that the message will be taken on board.

The same principle applies to encouragement delivered to any child or teen.

Touch amplifies the message, so don’t be afraid to put your hand on your child’s shoulder, arm or hand while offering your gems of encouragement.

NB: The above applies only if your child is comfortable with this type of physical contact.

6.    Keep the ‘buts’ to yourself

There’s nothing like an encouraging comment delivered by a parent with a caveat attached to burst a child’s bubble.

“You tried really hard at school this year…but imagine what you could have achieved if you were more consistent with your homework!” 

Yowsers! That “well done …..but” kills the mood and the effect!

The words after ‘but’ are the only ones that count.

Let the encouragement do its thing and save the ‘buts’ and the accompanying messages for another time.

7.     Keep it short

Don’t rave. Deliver your encouraging message…with enthusiasm…like you really mean it because you should….with no buts.

And move on.

A final word….or two

Everyone needs encouragement. No one is immune to experiencing disappointment or struggling to succeed. 

Everyone needs an injection of genuine hope and belief from a friend or family member.

That’s why encouragement is one of the most important and verstaile tools in your parenting toolbox. You can use to boost confidence, persistence and effort.

It’s a genuine life skill that you can pass on to your kids.

It also becomes part of your family culture, which is an article for another day.

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An Extra Dash for Dads

Many fathers struggle to encourage their sons, expecially their eldest boys.

They may offer lip service to encouragement, but too often their words aren’t supported by genuine belief.

“Not (or never) good enough” is the default response for many dads when faced with their son’s efforts.

No matter how hard their son tries.

And most sons want their dad’s approval.

No, they yearn for it.

Yet some men hold back their approval.  They make it conditional on meeting their expectations.

It’s almost as if giving approval to them might somehow mean they are endorsing their behaviour or performance.

Men’s expectations can be too high for their sons. Many dads forget what it was like to be a boy. They forget how long it took them to grow up and achieve mastery in any area.

Sadly, many fathers forget that it takes longer to ‘grow’ a boy than it does a girl.

And isn’t it different when it comes to our daughters?

We are more accepting. More able to encourage and give them the boost they need.

Why the difference?

A couple of theories. One is that many fathers simply repeat how they were parented. Their dads were tough on them, so they passed the same discipline to their sons, even though they swore they’d be different.

Another theory is related to the Generative Fathering theory, which I’m a fan of.

That is, fathers are tough on their sons because they want the next generation to survive and thrive without them.

And they can only do so if they are capable. It’s a survival of the fittest thing. So their dads push and push and …..you know the rest.

There’s a lot of truth to this! That may have been a suitable method in an age long-gone, but it’s hardly acceptable in the 21^st Century.

We need to do better.

Regardless of the theory, we need to do better by our sons, who want their father’s approval and encouragement. Neither should be withheld because they don’t meet our expectations.

Our sons are not put on this earth to please us or live our dreams. We do want to be proud of our sons. But that only happens when they make their own way in the world and forge their own path.

In the meantime, be a dad who is quick to encourage and slow to criticise.

A dad who shares his knowledge but not his judgment.

A dad who is mightily impressed by his son’s humanity and less so by his deeds.

A dad who favours relationships over rules and remembers how hard it is for a boy to make his way in the world.

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